Taking On A Toddler
Posted on June 30, 2008
Filed Under Fathering, Photo, Personal, Parenting
Came across this journal entry from about two years ago and thought it might be helpful to a dad (or mom) out there. Can you relate?
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Took my toddler for a walk today. He had been rather content for most of the day. We did have some trouble down at the pool, as he had a difficult time concentrating. From “I want in” to “I want out,” he bounced back and forth. Eventually I tired of his lack of consistent interest, and so we went back home.
Eating seemed to help settle things down. After a nice little snack, we took a walk. Well, I walked, he rode his “bike.” Picture one of those plastic Big Wheel kind of things, only smaller. He cannot reach the pedals yet – almost! – and so scoots it around with foot power. Rudimentary travel method, but it works for him. And any way that he can burn some energy is a good thing!
We tooled around for a while. As we got to the apparent point of no return, at which he would start to fade, Little Man decided to challenge me. Now, I had been pretty relaxed and so I was up for battle. And I did indeed win. Along the way, his dispassionate expressions and stares seemed to say, “What, are you talking to me? Not sure I can read you. Huh?” And thus the parenting skills were applied.
Now, I try to make these times of disobedience, in which it is clear he is challenging my authority, unpleasant for the child. I think a child who is willingly disobedient ought to have some consequences for such behavior. That outcome ought to be bothersome, at the least, and I prefer it to be an unwelcome outcome of their behavior. You know, it just seems that such a child should feel some…discomfort. That’s how I signal that I am not going to tolerate their defiance, and it seems to work. My two strong-willed kids have responded to such parenting techniques.
So on our walk, when he clearly disobeyed, I picked the boy up off his bike, hoisted him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and scooped up the vehicle with my free hand. He does not like this posture. However, I find it easy, and it also restrains him so that he cannot in anger hit or scratch me (it happens). Thus we “walked” toward home. Somewhere along the way, he effectively convinced me that he was ready to follow my lead. So put him down, and he got back onto his bike. A moment later he looked up at me, thrust his hand up into the air, and grabbed my hand.
This was a “keeper” moment. After disciplining him, my son literally reached out to me, wanting my involvement and physical touch. Have to admit that felt pretty good!
Then later, at bedtime, he was pretty wound up, and would not quiet down. So I held him tightly. Very tightly. Not to a point of hurting him, just to let him know “I am serious about this, you’ve gotta settle down and get to sleep.” He fought me. Wiggle, scream, claw at my back, arch his back, bang his head on my shoulder, writhe as if in great pain (he wasn’t). On and on and on for almost 10 minutes. Whew!
Then, the breakthrough. He calmed down a bit, and fought me less. Finally, after a few more minutes, he settled into my shoulder. Head nestled up against mine, he accepted the warmth, the touch, the safety and security that I offered. Sigh. Contentment. Peace. It was a great moment, and I drank it in.
In these two incidents, a 35 month-old, 35 pound boy tried to take me on. He exerted his will, defied me and said, “No.” He clearly did not want to obey me. He would do as he pleased. In response to that challenge I held firm, laid down the law and expected him to accept my direction. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t threaten. I acted. I let him know in no uncertain terms that he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t disregard me. My intent was to help him see that I love him, but he’d have to go my way.
Somehow, in these encounters, I think he got that message.
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Update: That Little Man turned five last week. He continues to challenge boundaries and our authority, but thatr’s just part of his DNA. In many, many ways he is a wonderfully delightful boy. And he still responds to a calm, measured parent’s loving direction!
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