Can You Forgive?

Posted on July 28, 2008 
Filed Under Dr. Dobson's Broadcast, Focus on the Family, Life, Spiritual Life

rt-books.jpgWhat’s one of the hardest things in the world? Forgiving someone who hurt you. Here’s what some listeners told us about a series we presented with Dr. R.T. Kendall:

  • Having heard the broadcast, she called to ask how to forgive someone (in her case, an older brother) who doesn’t want to be forgiven.
  • …heard today’s broadcast about forgiveness and while she understands the principles being conveyed by Dr. Kendall, she thinks it’s very important to clarify the issue of child molestation. She thinks what was said could encourage child molesters to tell children that ‘God says you must forgive me and not tell anyone’. She wants FOF to emphasize more clearly the necessity for children to tell a responsible adult about abuse being perpetrated.

Clearly, we’re touching a nerve here. How about you? How hard is it for you to forgive?

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about you, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of your or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What forgiveness is not:

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

Comments

6 Responses to “Can You Forgive?”

  1. Kimberly on May 21st, 2008 7:34 pm

    I have to keep forgiving and re-forgiving over and over again my step-mother who was physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up. She and my father married when I was 6 yrs old, shortly after my mother died. She still is emotionally and at times verbally abusive to me now, but takes the role as victim. I cannot begin to tell you how many times in the last 33 years I have forgiven her. My question is if I have really forgiven her at all. She does keep doing some of the same things that she knows hurt me and we have discussed them, but I find myself back at square 1–angry and needing to let go again. Sometimes it is harder than others.

  2. Jeanne Apodaca on May 22nd, 2008 12:42 pm

    I’ve been trying to forgive and forget a relationship I had with someone for 14 years, he basically told me I was unworthly of him, because he wanted to remain celibate and faithful to the Lord, and moved in another woman within a month. He almost married her, and 3 years later, came back at my door, I took him in for 6 months, and recently went back to this woman again. He even called me to tell me how in love and how he “clicks” with her, and can’t spend a day without her. Every day, even though I say I forgive, my heart still hurts. I see them everyday. I pray every day to forget him, but he creeps into my dreams. I wish to stay focused on the Lord, but this is difficult for me.

  3. Melissa on May 22nd, 2008 7:38 pm

    Dear readers; Having been the molested growing up, and having lived through my mother divorcing a couple of times; I have to say that forgiveness is vital for your health. The power of forgiveness is real - and is for you - not really for the person who wounded you. God encouraged me that it would take time to heal because the wounds occurred over time - and the healing would take time. Be merciful with yourself and forgive the one who injured you. God is faithful to lift you up and bind your wounds. And - yes you will have to forgive the other person and yourself 70 x 7 as the memmories flood back or when you anger rages. In cases of abusive relationships, distance from them is advisable and good and may help the healing. The greatest tool I ever found was reading the word of God endlessly. It is so full of love and mercy and so healing. Also encourage others to pray for you - you don’t have to be specific. Eventually the old person filled with heartache falls away - and God causes your heart to become new again. Be patient with yourself.

  4. Jan Fout on May 23rd, 2008 5:58 pm

    I heard R.T. Kendall on yesterday’s broadcast and have to agree with him on this. Forgiveness is hard, and must be done over and over again. I have found that every time the thought about the person or situation pops up, it must be brought back into subjection to Jesus by actively releasing it/him or her and choosing to forgive again. At first, that may be many times per day. Eventually it gets easier and the emotions begin to follow the will as it should be. I too was molested as a child, by my father. It took many years to reach the point of forgiveness, and several more to make it stick. But it DOES work! Praise God! I’ll never forget the night he called, keeping me up till late in the night, telling me how he’d met the Lord. This was just a few months after I initially forgave him. (Just between me and the Lord…I never brought it up with my dad.) I wonder how long I tied up his salvation with my wounded, hard heart. I know how long I tied up my own growth by it.

  5. M Todd on July 31st, 2008 9:33 am

    Has real forgiveness been reduced to being nice and trying to forget the wrongs done by others when in reality biblical forgiveness is an active process requiring both parties.

    When the apostles asked if someone does me wrong and repents how many times should I forgive? (paraphrased) The answer is 7 X 70, but what is left out of the modern day equation is the repenting part. The first step in repentance is acknowledging the wrong and asking for forgiveness.

    So often you hear the same story, I forgave someone for the wrong, but they continue to do wrong against me or will not even acknowledge they did anything wrong. Some put undue pressure on the person being wronged by telling them to continue in the abusive relationship as some act of Christianity when in reality no real forgiveness, repentance, or reconciliation has happened.

    The Bible gives a practical solution to this problems. One requires separation from the wrong doer to protect the believer; two, the wronged person is not to attempt retaliation. And most importantly the wronged person is to stay open to accepting the repentance and be willing to forgive.

    The reality is sometimes a believer is hurt and no reconciliation is seen. The best they can hope for is seeking the Lord’s healing strength to remain tender and loving and move on. Sometimes that requires removing yourself from the relationship

  6. Carrie on November 8th, 2008 6:56 am

    I don’t know how I feel about the explanations of the seven steps to forgiveness and what forgiveness is not. I was molested by my stepdad from the ages of 12 to 16 years old. I had told my school counselor what was going on, who in turn reported this to the police and child protective serices. He was temporarily removed from the home, and so was I. However, at my mother’s request I asked the school counselor to ask child protection to let him back in. I was not ready to do this, but did this believing it was what I had to do. I do believe he was saved during all this, however I still harbor some resentment that I don’t feel as if either of them gave me any time to deal with what had happened or heal from it then. Also, I felt tremendous pressure from the members of our church then to forgive. That was 16 years ago, and I have just recently began really dealing with and trying to forgive him and healing. The reason I say though that I don’t know how I feel about the explanation of forgiveness is because it seems as though one of the seven steps is saying to keep the wrong being done a secret thus protecting the perpetrator and allowing it to continue or worse for them to do it to someone else. Please help me to understand what it is that is meant by these explanations

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