Slumber Party Guidelines?

Posted on June 11, 2009 
Filed Under Fathering, Parenting, Personal

Recently my wife and I had to consider an exception to our “no slumber party” rule. In essence, our standard is that our kids aren’t allowed to go overnight sleepovers. We have a number of reasons for that rule, mostly to do with watching over their hearts and guarding against unhealthy influences during their impressionable years.

While our children are disappointed by this seemingly over-protective standard, they’ve accepted it. I think one reason is because we’ve allowed them to still participate – in a limited way – in some parties. That means we let them join the gathering for a few hours, and that we pick them up around 10 or 11 at night, before the “slumber” part of the event begins. Now, I’m rather fond of my sleep, but if I can say, “Yes,” to at least some of a party, but in order to adhere to my own established rules I have to trudge out of the house at 10:30 on a Friday evening, so be it.

I’m wondering what your thoughts are? Do you allow your children to go over to a friend’s house for a sleepover? If so, at what age, and under what circumstances? Or do you restrict – or prohibit – such parties? Leave a comment, and let’s dialogue.

Comments

10 Responses to “Slumber Party Guidelines?”

  1. Randall on June 11th, 2009 3:27 pm

    Yes, we allow sleepovers, though we usually have them at our house. But we do allow occasional sleepovers with the caveat that we know the family, the host girl, and the planned activities. We also use the sleepovers for teaching opportunities. We have found that when our daughter has had a sleepover, she let’s us know what has happened and sometimes expresses a desire to never to have a sleepover there again. We use such times as teaching times and we have also found that our daughter remembers what we have taught her. Look, we can’t keep her out of the world but we can teach her how to deal with the world. And that’s what we try to do.

  2. Barry on June 11th, 2009 3:52 pm

    Our girls are now 22 and 25. We were very “strict” on sleepovers. We had a lot of smaller group sleepovers at our home. They could not go elsewhere for a sleepover if we did not know the family well… and that was no guaranty. We always talked to the parents to find out what videos they were planning to watch.

    On more than one occasion we were shocked at the movies Christian parents would allow young teen girls to watch.

    One of my favorite stories from those days… Our youngest was at a friend’s for a birthday sleepover just a few houses down. Our daughter told us the next day that they were telling each other scary stories. She spoke up and said: “I can tell you a really scary story that is true!!” She then gave an 11 year old’s version of the Rapture. She ended up with all the girls standing in a circle, holding hands, and our little girl led them all in the sinner’s prayer. sigh… She got married two weeks ago. Gave her promise ring to her husband on their first night together. (I can scarcely breath) We are not perfect parents. We don’t have perfect kids. We are making it through in His grace.

  3. Lynn on June 11th, 2009 5:08 pm

    OK…this is a subject I have gotten flack on (more from parents than my kids)…I did not let them stay overnight in group sleepovers until their own 8th grade graduation sleepover in our own home. It was hard to hold the line, but when the kids saw that I was right about the sleepers never sleeping (while the parents headed to bed) they understood (as much as their age could). My theory is that anything said after midnight is rarely anything they should be talking about.(Exception is when they are older and get into spiritual discussions.)
    I listened to alot of other parents’ experiences plus used my own experiences and judgement. One mom of tweens and younger even stayed with the kids all night (she is alot of fun), but when she had to leave the room for 15 minutes one of the girls enlightened all the others of the “facts of life” and some of the kids were not ready.
    I did let my kids stay overnight with one trusted friend or have one friend over to our home. Even then the kids might not sleep much and parents miss that they aren’t sleeping. ( One of my friends woke up at 2am and heard the TV upstairs and went up to find her and my daughter still staring at a movie. She turned it off and they fell over asleep! That never was repeated on threat of no more sleepovers!))
    Even church sleepover events are questionable. Our pastor’s wife invited all Jr. High girls for a sleepover. I decided to let our daughter go with a trusted friend. The pastor’s wife had things planned and kept them up late with a movie and a talk about purity and modesty. She sent everyone to bed and she went to bed with with her husband. They both woke up much later to find girls running around the house and raiding the refrig.
    What I did was tell my girls that if they wanted to go to a friend’s sleepover that we would come and get them at 10pm and then bring them back for breakfast in the morning. They bucked it at first, but when they found that was the only way they would be allowed to go, then they went with it. They had fun and found that they were usually the most rested in the morning. (When they hit later teens they didn’t even bother going back for breakfast because nobody would be up until their parents came for them.)
    I agree that “watching over their hearts” is key in making decisions about sleepovers. Our kids seem to understand that it is because we love them that we say no.(And sometimes they admitted to being glad for the rule.)Some homes and parents were more trusted than others, but we just made a general rule about no group sleepovers so we didn’t differentiate or insult friends. It was just our “family rule”. It did help that other friends’ families had the same rule, but I would still do it even if we are the only ones. We are the parents who stand before God on our own kids.

  4. Beth on June 12th, 2009 10:22 am

    So what’s the difference between letting your kids stay to 11 or letting them sleep over? It seems like anything that’s going to happen is going to happen by that time.

  5. Michele on June 12th, 2009 3:52 pm

    Yes I have allowed my girls to sleep over at their friends home, but I have had the privilege to also become friends with their parents. We homeschool and the girls friends have also become family friends. It just another perk about homeschooling, I have become blessed with close personal friends. A small group of us have been able to actually do life together, we have been in and out of each others homes and have been there in the good times and bad. We have been able to school together, laugh together, cry together and most importantly share with one another our faith and our priority to honor God together. We hold one another in check. As the girls have become teens, I have seen their spiritual growth and trust in them to make good choices. They truly don’t want to spend the night with someone who does not hold their beliefs.

  6. LaJoy on June 12th, 2009 5:36 pm

    My husband and I have 2 children (15 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son) and we do allow them to attend sleepovers. We decide each event on an individual basis depending on how well we know the other parents and our level of comfort about where, when and kinds of activities will be at the party. However, our greatest advantage is allowing our kids to invite their friends to our house. When our daughter was 11 we anticipated the teenage years by enclosing our garage and turning into the ultimate family room complete with a theatre screen. Our children know we will always welcome their friends so often plans are made to just come to our house. That way we meet their friends, know who they are hanging out with and keep them close for us to supervise. We find that is the best arrangement for us.

  7. Robert on June 13th, 2009 1:00 pm

    Do Boy Scout and Girl Scout camp-outs count as sleep-overs?

  8. Lisa on June 14th, 2009 6:04 pm

    I think every parent needs to decide what is right for their family in regards to slumber parties. We allow them for our 2 daughters 9 and 12. They have been been participating in sleepovers starting in 1st grade. They are such a right of passage especially for girls. They are usually a fun filled craft fest, fort building fest, baking fest etc. It’s all great wholesome fun. It has given them great childhood memories. There is one friend who isn’t allowed to participate. She too can stay until 10:30 but then has to go home. Everyone feels sorry for her. She has accepted it but I know it makes her feel weird and different not to be able to spend the night.

    As our girls get over the sleepovers will present more of a challenge I’m sure. But they will be faced with many such challenges in life about making good choices etc. I’m not so sure that sheltering them from the world is particularily helpful. If a parent is confident in the way they have raised their kids then they need to trust in their child and God and let them handle the mulitude of situations they will encounter in the real world.

    Until then, sleepovers are a popcorn eating, movie watching giggle fest!

  9. Nan on June 23rd, 2009 9:33 pm

    I think there are perfectly fine and safe sleepovers with friends you know.
    What is not fine is the disrespectful talk the next day when a too tired kid is reeling around the house.
    To me, this is a sign the child is too young.
    In some schools girls really bond with sleepovers and your child being the only non-attendee could leave her with no invites for the year. Not sure what this proves, and parents take umbrage at being judged – as if I don’t trust them with my daughter.

  10. Nati on March 29th, 2010 4:11 pm

    of course i let my child go to slumber parties, her first slumber party over her friends house was at 10 years old. Her first slumber party at my home was her 10th birthday, she is now 12, and is having her 13th birhtday/ slumber party in a few days. I understand that you get worried, but you have to trust your children! let them go to a slumber party, they will have so much fun. My daughter either sleeps over someone elses house, or has a sleepover at our house, EVERY WEEK nearly!! x

Leave a Reply

Comments are moderated and will not appear on johnfullerblog.com until they've been approved. While we are eager to facilitate conversation by publishing most comments, we may withhold one from time to time if we deem it offensive, vulgar, overly personal, cynical, disrespectful, irrelevant, redundant or unnecessarily contentious.
Comments on John Fuller's blog may not refer specifically to any current electoral candidate, or any measure on a current ballot – at any level of local, state, or federal government. Focus on the Family is a non-profit 501(c)(3) entity, and therefore cannot take a position on specific votes. Nor can we display any such statements on our Web sites. Likewise, we cannot discuss here the personal viewpoints of people like Dr. Dobson or Jim Daly on political candidates or ballot measures. Any posts to this forum which violate these rules will be removed. There is an alternative venue for this type of discussion. Some activities of this nature are undertaken by Focus on the Family Action, a 501(c)(4) organization, and its media outlet, Citizenlink.
Finally, if you would like to contact our ministry directly, please feel free to do so from one of our FAQs.