Caring For Elderly Parents

Posted on October 29, 2009 
Filed Under Focus on the Family, Marriage, Physical Health, Social Concern, Spiritual Life

A good friend just moved his father from the home he had known for 30 years to an assisted living facility. It was a tough decision, but dementia was starting to affect daily life and had already caused a few near-accidents. It was an interesting process to talk through, and I made mental notes because one day I may have to work through similar circumstances within my own family. In fact, I recently blogged that I had spent some time with my in-laws, who are working through some physical challenges and starting to need a bit of help every now and then with the difficulties with life.What will happen when they need continual care? Who will help shoulder that assignment?

Having watched my friend and some relatives navigate the dynamics of family relationships when an elderly parent needs care made me realize that some families experience more tension than others in such a season. A regular family feud can erupt if the nearest relative “has” to provide the required supervision and assistance. For that reason, it was with some interest that I read this article about making a contract, of sorts, to pay a sibling when the burden of caring for Mom or Dad becomes rather extensive.

Over at the main Focus site you’ll find quite a few helpful articles about caring for elderly parents, which cover topics like these:

I wonder if you’ve found a particularly helpful resource or approach to caring for an elderly parent? Let me know.

Comments

2 Responses to “Caring For Elderly Parents”

  1. Anonymous on November 2nd, 2009 10:40 am

    “A regular family feud can erupt if the nearest relative “has” to provide the required supervision and assistance. For that reason, it was with some interest that I read this article about making a contract, of sorts, to pay a sibling when the burden of caring for Mom or Dad becomes rather extensive.”

    For thirteen years prior to my mother’s passing, I drove her to doctor appointments, home from the emergency room and/or hospital stays, and would drive across town to take her to the grocery store. If she would call to say she was unexpectedly in the hospital, I would dash up to see her. While at her bedside she would send me down to the gift shop for a newspaper or magazine, and I would go fetch it. The days she was being discharged, I would sit with her the extra hours and wait for the paperwork to be finished, then there were the stops at the pharmacy.

    I did this for very little financial reimbursement, except for parking and gas compensation, which I never asked for; mother would just say, “Here’s ten dollars for parking and gas.” And, she wasn’t always easy to have as a passenger. Being in the car in city traffic made her nervous.

    My sister lived an hour away, my brother didn’t drive. Mother was divorced and hadn’t remarried, so there was no one else for whom it was “convenient” to help her. It wasn’t that I didn’t need the time to work, or that reimbursement wouldn’t have come in handy, as I could have used the time and money as much or more than others.

    During the final year of mother’s life, my husband had taken a job several states away and we had to relocate. When mom had surgery I flew home to help take care of her for two weeks. I was not reimbursed for airfare. That trip was no vacation, though mom and I did have some “bonding” moments. A couple years after my moving mother became terminally ill, and I drove for three days to go up and sit with her. I drove home, and then drove back again as soon as I could. Because my mother’s place had been vacated by her Power of Attorney, I had to stay in hotels, and that cost me into the thousands of dollars of which I was not offered reimbursement by the relative who certainly would have reimbursed herself in that situation. Mother passed away. Two weeks after the funeral I drove home once more; this time with a sharp ache in the middle of my stomach that lingered from the grief.

    What was willed to me didn’t seem like much for all those years, but I didn’t file a lawsuit for more, as at the time I was grieving and I couldn’t see taking a relative to court and fighting. I was told by the sibling who served as Power of Attorney that things were split evenly amongst our mother’s three children. Seven years later I still wonder if that is true.

    We haven’t really spoken since mother’s funeral. All correspondence after our mother’s death was through a “middleman,” the attorney who handled the humble estate settlement. I haven’t heard from that relative since then. I think they didn’t like me inquiring why they emptied out mother’s apartment when they did, and put all her things in locked storage without asking mother or consulting with me. They controlled everything, without allowing others to share in the “wrapping up” of our mother’s life. It hurt like hell. To this day I have to work at forgiveness. The family has never seemed the same.

    While it isn’t too late to double-check the figures, I just say, “To heck with it.” Taking care of mother was something I did out of love. My ultimate compensation comes from God, who “repays” within. My conscience is clear.

    Recently my father sent me a photo of my siblings and I when we were children. I don’t remember having seen that photo before so this made it special to receive. Now I can recall mother taking the snapshot, and her running indoors and getting some cookies and telling me to hold them, also having me push one of my ankle socks lower than the other. I think I asked her why I should do such a silly thing. But now I know: fifty years later it is so fun to see myself at around five or six, with socks askew and remembering the fig bars she placed in my hand, along with my brother and sister at either side.

    That I can remember that moment so long ago is priceless, and means just as much as the twenty thousand dollars more I thought I should have been given. Thirteen years of routine physician appointments is a long time. But the stress from having argued at length in the courts would have been too much. I thought not getting into a legal battle would preserve our relationships, though we still never communicate.

    I will not let that happen again. Next time I will ask more questions. And whether necessary or not, I will have an attorney too.

    You don’t need to print this if you think it too personal. If the telling serves as any help of what to prepare for to other families in order to avoid splintering relations, then I don’t mind sharing.

  2. Admin on November 3rd, 2009 3:25 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing what you’ve learned! I hope that your story will benefit others.

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