Protecting Your Marriage

Posted on March 31, 2010 
Filed Under Focus on the Family Broadcast, Marriage, Personal

Earlier this week we had a great conversation on Focus on the Family with author Jerry Jenkins. While I’ve personally appreciated a number of the 170 or so books he has written, the topic of conversation was his classic, Hedges. In it, Jerry offers some practical, common-sense ways a person can build hedges – protective barriers – to keep his marriage strong and solid. While his ideas might seem “prudish,” as Jerry describes them, I’ve got to say I’ve found his suggestions invaluable. And I’ve tried to live out those very things, trying to make sure my relationship with Dena stays solid.

Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve added to Jerry’s excellent advice – and here are some additional “hedges,” or perhaps, “John’s personalized hedges.” I offer them here with the hope that you’ll want to know more about the concept, and that you’ll go listen to the broadcast and that you’ll also buy Jerry’s book. With that, my own hedges:

Proudly wear my wedding ring, especially when I travel. I know this sounds silly, but I often try to keep it between me and the folks I am visiting, as kind of a shield to protect me from stupid thoughts, and to remind others I am married – and glad for it.

When on the road, I try to call home every evening. After the meetings are over and I go back to my hotel room, the loneliness sets in. That’s when I want to talk with my beloved wife and be reminded of her love and my commitment to her.

I display family photos on my cell phone and computer screen. I like to show others pictures of my kids and wife. And it is always good to be reminded of my love for them, and my true desire to live a life of integrity for them.

I tell stories about my kids. Lots of stories. That reminds me of my unique role as their dad, and it keeps me connected to my family.

I follow Jerry’s advice, which he calls the Billy Graham Principle, of never dining, traveling or being alone with another woman. Once I became quite uncomfortable when, at an out-of-town meeting, I almost found myself having lunch alone with a woman – the rest of the party didn’t show up. I frantically called my wife, and when she didn’t answer, I called my assistant back at the office, because I wanted someone to know what had happened. Fortunately, the others did finally show up. Still, this is a powerful concept, and a matter which I do not take lightly.

I talk regularly and honestly about potential temptations with an accountability partner. And several key co-workers. And my wife. Shining the light of day on temptations seems to rob them of their power.

Alright, that’s most of my list. And I’m really grateful to Jerry for his insights and advice in this book and conversation. What about you? Do you have any protective barriers in place to keep your marriage strong and undefiled?

Comments

2 Responses to “Protecting Your Marriage”

  1. Paul on March 31st, 2010 11:55 pm

    My wife and I are big fans of the concept of hedges, and see it as one of several important principles for maintaining a healthy marriage. We heartily endorse the kind of practical measures that Billy Graham routinely took, which involve deliberately avoiding scenarios in which any type of fuse might be lit – or even appear to be lit. We could summarize the principle using a portion of a single verse from the New Testament: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality…” (Ephesians 5:3). Here’s our own amplified version:

    “If whatever you are contemplating could remotely be interpreted as inappropriate, or might raise the slightest question of impropriety, or would require an explanation to your spouse, or set you up for trouble if the other person turned out to be a wacko, even if your every thought and intention is perfectly innocent and honorable, don’t do it.”

    Add italics to the last three words…

  2. Protect Your Marriage : Off the Air on December 29th, 2010 11:29 am

    [...] Here’s a previous post about that book and concept, and the programs with Jerry Jenkins. I suggest you listen – with your spouse – and map out specific ways to keep the relationship strong and intact. [...]

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