Hands Off, Mom?

Posted on May 3, 2010 
Filed Under Fathering, Parenting, Personal

This past weekend my wife was at a retreat for women in our church, and she told me about some of the conversations she enjoyed having with the ladies. They had a lot of fun, shared some tears, and it was a great time for her. One of the many topics the women covered over coffee or as they hiked around the beautiful national forest caught my attention: moms who can’t seem to let go.

Dena made the observation that several of the younger mothers at the retreat had checked in on their families to make sure everything was all right. They expressed relief that their husbands had not experienced a trip to the emergency room, that the kids had made it to that soccer practice, and that the home was not in chaos. I guess they couldn’t stand being away from their kids for a day or two, fearing that something would go awry and they’d not be able to help fix the problem.

Fat chance of my wife calling me to check in! After parenting for more than 20 years, Dena has “let go” of the household management when she goes away. When she goes on a retreat, Dena leaves all the worries and cares of our household behind. She detaches. She turns off the cell phone (or, as was the case this time, lets the battery go dead). She invests fully in the new surroundings, the opportunity to think and talk without interruption, the ability to refresh. So after she left Friday morning for the retreat center, Dena was out of touch until she returned Sunday evening. We could have gone to Texas for the weekend and she wouldn’t have known until she came back.

As we talked about this, I asked Dena if, as we’ve mellowed over the years, she’s learned that her time away is hers, and that caring for the home isn’t something she has to think about all the time?  She noted that, unlike many of the younger moms at the retreat, we’ve got mostly older children, and that has helped us gain a longer-term perspective on parenting. “It’s harder letting go,” she said, “even for a weekend, when your children are small.” I can understand that.

When I asked if perhaps those younger moms aren’t entirely sure if they can trust their husbands with the kids? “Well, that might be the case for one or two of the ladies,” she replied. No specific dads came to mind, but I can guess that some men are just clueless about managing the children and home. They’d not do well at juggling the kids’ needs and schedules, or what to do in a medical emergency. Most fathers I know, however, have done just fine when their wife has been gone for a time.

I’m glad Dena can get away and do so with no worries about the kids. Over the years I’ve demonstrated that I’m capable of driving our kids to their obligations and activities, preparing reasonably healthy meals and solving problems. Things aren’t necessarily taken care of the way SHE would handle them, but when Dena returns from a weekend away the children are alive and well…and the house is usually fairly clean and orderly.

I hope those young moms who interrupted their weekend retreat to call home found the time away relaxing, and that all was well when they got home Sunday. And I hope that in the near future, they’ll be able to let go…release…and trust their husbands to manage the home in their absence. As indispensible as Mom is, she can be – temporarily – replaced.

Comments

2 Responses to “Hands Off, Mom?”

  1. Lynn on May 3rd, 2010 4:36 pm

    This topic is a great one for the moms and dad to discuss before she leaves. It is a blessing to have a spouse who, like mine, can take care of the kids and the house while the mom is gone. She needs to realize that he won’t do it the same way she does and that is ok. I have left many prepared meals and came home to find that he took them out to McDonalds. Now,I don’t prepare as much…frees me up.
    One thing the Dads should be aware of, though, is that there is nothing so deflating to a wife who has had a wonderful, refreshing time away than to have her walk into a messy kitchen with a sinkful of dishes waiting for her or a house with toys or clothing strewn around for her to pick up. I’m not talking about perfection…just order. Why would anyone want to go away to relax if they have to come back and find their work doubled? Might as well stay home and slog along. Part of the gift of giving your wife time away is doing her chores, too. Men who realize that they may have to give up their own agendas to sub for mom and do her work (and get the kids to bless mom by helping out) are few and far between, but they are priceless!!! Wives of these men don’t need to call home, but can relax and learn what God wants to teach them in their time away. And when this wife comes home refreshed (and gets to stay that way upon arrival)she has much more to give to both kids and husband.

  2. Candice on June 3rd, 2010 6:35 am

    This is a good post, John. Very readable. And the real image of Dena ads a lot! Loved the Kawasaki link about images. I agree 100%!!

    Keep blogging.

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