Leavin’ Home?

Posted on May 9, 2010 
Filed Under Focus on the Family Broadcast

We’re about to celebrate the graduation of our second child from high school, and rather than prepare to head off for college, he recently decided to take a “gap year.” There’s a growing trend among 18 and 19 year-olds to delay their freshman year of college, opting instead to work, volunteer, or perhaps travel. This gap year often helps clarify goals and interests. I think it is fine for Seth to take a year to be certain of his projected career path before committing to a degree and all the attendant costs of college.

In the course of discussing this planned year off, we’ve made it clear that Seth is welcome to stay at our home, but that we’ll be expecting a modest amount of rent, and that he’ll need to think about his own car (he’s been using one of our vehicles to drive siblings around and help us out).  Perfectly reasonable, we agreed. Seth is also considering moving out and living on his own. I can’t blame him for that, as we have a fairly small house and very little privacy and quiet.

All of this came to the front of my mind as I read in the Wall Street Journal about young adults who don’t leave home, or who return home. Here’s what really grabbed me:

A big difference between today’s young adults and their grandparents, however, is that today’s twenty-somethings are being supported by their parents, instead of helping to support the family, as young adults did in the early 20th century…Parents at all income levels are spending 10% of their annual incomes to help their young adult children, the study says.

That’s rather astounding to me! Spending 10% of my salary on a child who could – should – be on his or her own seems wrong to me. While the article is informative, it is the comments left by readers of this piece that really are fascinating. Many are, like me, a little dumbfounded by the amount of support some parents lavish (yes, lavish) on their adult children who are not yet showing independence.

I don’t want to be harsh, but I’ve looked at the parenting process as one of preparing a child for maturity, and that means a life of independence and self-provision. I don’t understand why a parent would want to empower a grown child with significant financial support.

Maybe when my children are on-their-own I’ll send a gift every now and then, as seems appropriate. But I’m in no position, nor am I of the inclination, to give my adult kids 10% of my income so they can live a comfortable lifestyle, stay with me while looking for a “dream job,” or otherwise shirk responsibility. So, we’re making it clear that we’re happy to contribute to Seth’s college expenses, but that there’s no financial assistance for a gap year. I want my kids to succeed, but when they hit 18 or 19, it’s up to them to define what success is and how they’re going to attain it. Away from home.

Writing this, I am reminded of Deuteronomy 32:11, “Like an eagle stirs up its nest…” (ESV). Indeed, that’s what I’m suggesting here. Just as the mother eagle pushes the eaglet out of the nest, forcing it to fly or die, I think parents should stir up the home/nest so the child can learn to fly. It seems reasonable and pretty natural, doesn’t it?

If you’re working through this kind of issue of establishing some healthy boundaries for your adult child, here’s the first in a series of articles you might find helpful.

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