How The Baby Can Affect Your Marriage

Intuitively, most new parents understand that everything changes when their first baby arrives. But there’s an interesting emotional reaction that takes place, and it reflects both mental and physical processing differences between men and women.

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal,

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child, according to data from the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle..Conflict increases and, with little time for adult conversation and sex, emotional distance can develop.

The research indicates that mothers’ satisfaction in their marriages plummets immediately; for men, the slide is delayed a few months.

This is both interesting to me, and also affirming of my own observations of new parents. It seems pretty common for women to feel at least a bit unhappy after delivering a child – hormones have been deeply affected, there is a dramatic weight change, sleep deprivation occurs, and there is the uncertainty of just how to do this “Mom thing” well.

Contrast that with men, who often feel sidelined by all the attention – by his wife and by others in their lives – on the baby. His wife is less available to him, emotionally and physically, and his level of involvement with that new little one is rather limited. It takes a while for all this to accumulate and impact him. One day, however, he awakens to find himself feeling detached and at least a little unsatisfied with the relationship.

I tried to address this in my new book, First Time Dad. In fact, I’ve devoted three chapters to this very subject, with two specifically offering ideas for how a new dad can love his wife during this time of transition. Here is a thought about our own experiences after our first child was born.

We had been married almost four years when three simple words, “It’s a boy!” changed our lives. Overnight, our date nights were history—at least that’s how I felt at the time. As new parents, we were overwhelmed, exhausted, and insecure. We kept waiting for life to return to normal, but it never did.

Our ultimate romantic fantasy was eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m not kidding.

Looking back, beyond deep – deep! – joy in having a son and the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with this new life, it was an exhausting, exhilarating, stressful time for both of us as individuals and as a couple.  We had to wrestle through some things and there were many bumps along the way.

Having “been there” and survived, one of the most helpful things I can recommend to new dads is this:

Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have young kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.

I’ll offer another piece of advice if you are struggling making the adjustment to being new parents:

Find a trusted pastor or counselor with whom you can talk things through.

If you don’t have someone like that in your life, call 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with a Focus counselor. They can have an initial conversation with you, and even make a reference for someone in your area to help you successfully navigate these trying – but rich and rewarding – days.

Five Things To Get Ready For Parenthood

If you’ve got a few months – or less! – before the arrival of your first child, how can you possibly get ready for your new role as a dad or mom? Here are five ideas to consider:

1. Engage with quality books and videos about parenting. There are dozens and dozens of good resources from well-regarded experts. I’ve referred to many of my favorite books and videos throughout my own book, First-Time Dad. Take advantage now of the seasoned, wise advice of others. Very soon you’ll be too busy to read, listen and watch as much as you might want.

John holding his young son, Zane, as they left Vladivostok, Russia for the long journey home.

2. Spend time with experienced parents. Watch them. Watch their kids. Make mental notes. Write things down. Launch conversations from their experiences with their kids. Find a mentor couple to walk you through the coming days, someone to offer experienced perspectives to help you as a new parent.

3. Discuss with your spouse your hopes, fears, and expectations about being a new parent. Talk about your pasts. Address your expectations about how you will approach this monumental task. Make sure that, where you have differences, you’ve talked those through and come to a shared understanding of areas of common ground you can agree on.

4. Pray about your new parental responsibilities. Ask God to help you be the parent your child needs, and to supply what you lack.

5. Journal about the road ahead. Gals: You know what I mean. Guys: This is something a lot of men struggle with, as such thinking can lead to . . . feelings. And many men run from emotions. But consider taking the time, even if you are very busy, to think things through to deep levels—and to record those reflections on your computer or in a journal. It can help to express your thoughts and feelings— in real time, as you encounter various situations.

Learn more about parenting here. And if you’re a new dad, give our radio program about my book a listen here or get the free sample chapter as a download here.

Dad, Remember The Days

I recently had the privilege of being a guest on the Focus on the Family radio program, talking about my book, First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need To Know. In the book I’ve tried to offer new fathers an optimistic, and realistic, look at expectations about parenting.

As I’ve reflected on my fatherhood journey, there are many wonderful memories. I was asked to pull together some photographs capturing a few of my favorite moments. Here are just a few…I’ve got so many times with our kids etched upon my mind. And if you stop by, lots of them are posted on my office wall, too!

Looking back over the years, wondering how in the world our  two oldest boys are are now adults out in the workforce, I can only say. “Dad, remember the days. Drink them in…because they go by mighty quickly. Maximize the times you spend with those kids God has blessed you with, and make it your goal to become their best friend.”

Now, someone grab a tissue for me?

A proud first time dad! Here’s John with Dakota, in 1990. Time has sped by quickly - he graduates from college next month!

In 1991 John and Dena welcomed Seth into the family. What a fine young man!

Wonderful memories of fishing at Rainbow Falls with the boys in celebration of Seth’s 4th birthday. These moments don’t just happen – it takes some work and planning to make special times happen.

Our kids have always enjoyed the water. And we’ve had lots of trips to various campgrounds. Here are the three oldest “cooling their heels” in Jenny Lake, Teton National Park in 1995. One of my favorite pictures!

Advice For New Parents: Ice Cream

At the time we were expecting our first child, Dena and I were volunteering with the college group at church. The “kids” threw a baby shower for us, and a cherished gift, which I still have, was a small notebook with suggestions for being good parents. It has some priceless perspectives for new parents!

Over the next weeks I’ll share some of the golden nuggets of advice from these scholars. Here’s the first installment.

My advice to you is to make sure you feed your new baby ice cream whenever the opportunity arises.

“Why,” you might ask? Well, when I was little my mother would treat my brother, sister and me to Dairy Queen after our Saturday morning swim lessons. The problem was that I was too young at the time to realize that my mom only ordered an empty cone for me – no ice cream! As I matured, I finally realized what I was missing, and boy did I get angry! I’m not sure I can ever forgive my mother for that.

So if you think your baby will never know — beware! One day he will find out. He will grow up wondering what else he missed out on.

‘Tis better to have a fat baby than a bitter baby.

Let your baby indulge in ice cream!

It took many years, but I think Dena and I are starting to see the wisdom in this advice. In fact, we just had ice cream yesterday. Trying to make up for lost time…

Dad, Grab The Moment

Alright Dad (and Mom, too!), here’s a little challenge for you. It isn’t hard, it won’t require a lot from you…but it’ll be worthwhile, I promise.

Today, and in the next few days, let me encourage you to do one thing that’ll make a difference in your child’s life: Pay attention to – and grab – the moment.

Here’s an example. Last night, my 12 year-old daughter, Tauvi, asked to play a bit on the computer. I told her yes, for a short while – but then I wanted to play a card or board game with her. She was good with that, and shortly we gathered at the dining room table for a card game. We enjoyed 25 minutes or so together, just the two of us. I made little comments, she made little jokes. I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything, really. There wasn’t a big agenda. I didn’t bring up anything serious. We just spent time together. It didn’t cost anything, and it wasn’t difficult to do this. All I had to do was pay attention to the moment. The payoff was great: I had almost half an hour of uninterrupted time with my girl. Priceless!

Another example. This happened today, actually. Earlier this morning I thought of my 9th grade daughter, Saige,and how it’d be fun to surprise her with lunch. I quickly calculated the time and expense, and decided it was worth the effort. So I hopped into the car, drove to the school and took her  to a nearby place for a bite to eat. It was less than $5 and an hour of my time, but the unexpected nature of our visit allowed things to be casual and relaxed. Just the environment for us to unwind and have some special time together. Another rather easy thing to do, this didn’t require pre-planning, or big expense. All that was really needed was for me to pay attention to and grab the moment.

By the way, as we drove back to school, Saige said something that pointed out how important taking advantage of “moments” can be.

“Just before you came, Dad, I was thinking about you. There’s something special about a daddy-daughter relationship, isn’t there?”

Wow. As I drove, I fought the urge to tear up.I could have lost it right there! And my heart welled up in gratitude to God. Saige got it! She knows that I love her – and that I like her. In this simple act she was reminded that I enjoy being with her. There’s something powerful in that knowledge, particularly for a teenager. When you show, through your actions, that you have time for your child, you’re giving a wonderful gift. And you’ll get something out of that investment, now and perhaps later, as well.

I’m so glad that I listened to that inner voice to engage with my kids, that I saw – and that I was able to grab onto – the  moment.

So, from one dad to another, let me encourage you to have your eyes open to the moments God gives you with your children, and to do something – almost anything, really – with your child. Spend some time together.

Make the moments count.

(By the way, I share similar stories and perspectives in my new book, First Time Dad, which comes out next month. Links to pre-order and some free related materials are over on the right sidebar of this blog…)