How The Baby Can Affect Your Marriage

Posted on April 29, 2011 
Filed Under Fathering, Focus on the Family Broadcast, Parenting

Intuitively, most new parents understand that everything changes when their first baby arrives. But there’s an interesting emotional reaction that takes place, and it reflects both mental and physical processing differences between men and women.

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal,

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child, according to data from the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle..Conflict increases and, with little time for adult conversation and sex, emotional distance can develop.

The research indicates that mothers’ satisfaction in their marriages plummets immediately; for men, the slide is delayed a few months.

This is both interesting to me, and also affirming of my own observations of new parents. It seems pretty common for women to feel at least a bit unhappy after delivering a child – hormones have been deeply affected, there is a dramatic weight change, sleep deprivation occurs, and there is the uncertainty of just how to do this “Mom thing” well.

Contrast that with men, who often feel sidelined by all the attention – by his wife and by others in their lives – on the baby. His wife is less available to him, emotionally and physically, and his level of involvement with that new little one is rather limited. It takes a while for all this to accumulate and impact him. One day, however, he awakens to find himself feeling detached and at least a little unsatisfied with the relationship.

I tried to address this in my new book, First Time Dad. In fact, I’ve devoted three chapters to this very subject, with two specifically offering ideas for how a new dad can love his wife during this time of transition. Here is a thought about our own experiences after our first child was born.

We had been married almost four years when three simple words, “It’s a boy!” changed our lives. Overnight, our date nights were history—at least that’s how I felt at the time. As new parents, we were overwhelmed, exhausted, and insecure. We kept waiting for life to return to normal, but it never did.

Our ultimate romantic fantasy was eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m not kidding.

Looking back, beyond deep – deep! – joy in having a son and the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with this new life, it was an exhausting, exhilarating, stressful time for both of us as individuals and as a couple.  We had to wrestle through some things and there were many bumps along the way.

Having “been there” and survived, one of the most helpful things I can recommend to new dads is this:

Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have young kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.

I’ll offer another piece of advice if you are struggling making the adjustment to being new parents:

Find a trusted pastor or counselor with whom you can talk things through.

If you don’t have someone like that in your life, call 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with a Focus counselor. They can have an initial conversation with you, and even make a reference for someone in your area to help you successfully navigate these trying – but rich and rewarding – days.

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