Parents: Assess The Past

If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will. Every parent does.

It is a rather abrupt, startling, odd sense. You stop for just a moment.

“I sound just like my dad.”

Or, “That was just how my mom would have done it.”

“Where’d THAT come from?”

For good or bad, we’re products of our parents and their personal characteristics. We tend to emulate – intentionally or not – the approach to raising kids that we saw modeled as we grew up. If they were strict in discipline, we’re likely to be the same with our kids. If they were “strong, silent” types who didn’t engage with children, we’re prone to continue that legacy. If they nurtured and showed grace, our own kids are probably going to experience that in their lives, as well.

If you are about to become a parent, or are fairly new to the role, it is important to recognize that heritage you’ve received (whether you like it or not).

Understanding who you are – and why – is a critical first step in being a better dad.

Now, some of us have or had a good relationship with our parents. For others, that relationship is strained. For some, it was broken so early, or irretrievably, that there’s just nothing there. Still, like some dormant illness the patterns are there, the tendency is just waiting to be repeated.

What to do? Well, Ken Canfield is an expert on fathering, and he suggests the following six questions to determine what baggage you’re bringing into your role as a new dad (full article here).

  1. In reflecting on your relationship to your father or father figure, how would you describe his support of you?
  2. Did he regularly show you affection?
  3. Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  4. Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  5. Did he abuse you or another family member?
  6. Would you say he was a good example?

I’m glad for these questions that Ken raised. They are good starting points to help you consider who you are – and “from whence you came.”

The past does affect the present, and if you’re going to choose the right future, you need to understand the road you’ve been traveling. On the Focus on the Family radio program we addressed the issue of baggage, and other facets of fathering, as we talked about my new book, First Time Dad. Listen here.

Download the first chapter, get the discussion guide, read my “Ten Friendly Warnings” for new dads and buy the book by clicking on the links to your right.

Fatherhood Lost

The program earlier this week about how men are affected by abortion touched many listeners. Here’s the summary from one of our phone reps of a particularly poignant comment:

An anonymous caller shared that she was touched greatly by the broadcast “Fatherhood Lost.” She always had a hardened heart against women who had had an abortion because she has struggled with trying to conceive unsuccessfully. Now she sees it from another view. With tears streaming, her heart has now been softened by what these women go through as a result of their mistake.

Another caller said that

he has been affected by abortion several times throughout his life, and appreciates (the broadcast).

Listen here.

Connecting With Focus

“Why am I here? Because Focus on the Family has been part of my life for the past 20 years. You’ve helped me in my marriage and in raising my kids. I’m grateful for all Focus has done, and it just seemed like I had to be here today!”

It is something we hear frequently. Focus on the Family is indeed a special ministry, and God has enabled us to really connect with people in many deep ways. That comment was from a woman I met while in Vancouver, BC last weekend for the dedication of a new headquarters for Focus on the Family Canada.

The new building – paid for at move-in! – is phenomenal in every way, but as I told FOF Canada president Terence Rolston, what really makes the place special is the staff. Energetic, enthusiastic, dedicated to the mission and obviously appreciative of and affectionate toward each other, the folks who make up Focus Canada are a terrific group.

During Friday’s ribbon cutting ceremony, a private banquet that evening and then during Saturday’s open house, I met some wonderful friends of the ministry. There were some folks who flew across the country to participate in the events. One family we greeted drove 10 hours to the Vancouver area. A woman I met said she made a four hour drive to join the festivities. Along the way there were many similar reminders of the doors God has opened for Focus to speak into the lives of men and women, boys and girls.

Why do folks feel such a connection to Focus? I believe it is God’s doing, a response to our prayers that He use our efforts in significant ways. We ask Him often to touch lives through what we do.

Every day we hear reports and stories about just that – ways in which Focus has been used by God to make a lasting impact on someone.Here’s a particularly poignant account of a life changed:

“I am one of Focus on the Family’s silent supporters. I’m silent in the sense that you don’t know that I’m here, but I am. I first heard your program on the radio when I was an eighteen-year-old runaway. Your broadcast, and others like it, helped me to return to my faith and family. I am now reconciled with my family (which I thank God came about before my father’s sudden death), happily married, and expecting our first child. Your wisdom and guidance have been invaluable to me over the years. As I have struggled to reestablish my faith, you have provided a refreshing guide to ‘practical’ Christianity that I have desperately needed.”

If God has used Focus in YOUR life, would you please let us know? Make a comment below. Visit our Facebook page and leave a story (or at the least, “Like” us). Call us (800-232-6459). Or drop a note to Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995. (if you are in Canada, our contact info is here).

Finally, as this is really a spiritual effort, would you please pray with us? We have specific ways you can pray for Focus on the Family here.

Thanks again to the talented, hard-working staff in our Canada office, to the many who participated in the events last week, and most of all, to God for His on-going goodness and work.

Father’s Day Contest Winners

Thank you to everyone who entered the First Time Dad contest! It was great to hear your questions and stories about first-time parenthood.

Congratulations to the contest winners!

Daily winners received an autographed copy of my new book First Time Dad:

Jerry
Angel
Paul
Lori
Timothy
Kayse
Shirley 

And now, announcing the grand prize winner: 

JORDAN

will receive a first-time dad tool belt, an autographed copy of First Time Dad, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, a Starbucks gift card, and a Ryrie ESV Bible.

And as you celebrate Father’s Day tomorrow, I want to encourage you with some favorite verses:

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon. 

“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

God bless!

Dads and Work

(And in honor of the upcoming holiday on Sunday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?

My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.

“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”

I was stunned by the revelation. I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and to be available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.

For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin building their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to home. All too often, work wins out.

What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? Famed Christian scholar C.S. Lewis offered this insight:

Men tell not only their wives but themselves that it is a hardship to stay late at the office or the school on some bit of important extra work. But it is not quite true. It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, “Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow” … A terrible bore … Ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons, but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.

There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids, but a fear of being deemed insignificant is, sadly, very high on the list.

A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.

Fatherhood, on the other hand, rarely offers measurable results or clear indicators of success, and the payoff for all that effort may not come for many years. 

So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task. The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.

Listen to John Fuller talk more about being a dad on Part 1 and Part 2 of the broadcast titled “New Dads: Embracing the Journey Ahead.”

This article first appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was originally titled “Tug-of-Work.” Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com

Truett Cathy

As we approach Father’s Day, I wanted to spotlight a man who works hard to build boys. (And in honor of the upcoming holiday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

Truett Cathy is probably best known for his Chick-fil-A restaurants, and while I really like the food he helped make popular, I’m most appreciative of the work he does to help boys who face the prospect of growing up without a father.

Mr. Cathy has been mentoring youngsters for more than sixty years. He runs a camp and foster-care program designed to help give children of broken homes a second chance at life. It’s an inspiring effort! Boys are matched with mentors and father figures, and some are even placed in full-time Christian foster homes.

Many are given the opportunity to work side by side with Mr. Cathy on a beautiful farm in the rolling hills of Rome, Georgia. (Here’s a link to his WinShape Homes)

Truett Cathy is more than a nice guy with business savvy. He knows how boys think. Most important, he knows what they need: a father, or—at the very least—a strong male role model.

Mr. Cathy travels the country with a simple but strong message: You can make a difference! It’s better to build boys than to have to mend men.

If you’re a man just embarking on the fatherhood journey, I hope you’ll recognize the tremendous responsibility – and privilege – ahead. You’re preparing to build your son or daughter, a monumental task given today’s prevailing forces. But you CAN make a huge difference in that child’s life.

As we approach Father’s Day, grab onto the role God has entrusted you with, and give it your best. You work hard for your paycheck. You strive to win on the soccer field. You are a perfectionist when it comes to detailing your car. The child you have is far more important than any of those (temporal) things…and deserves everything you’ve got.

By the way, even if you don’t have children, or yours are grown and gone, consider being a mentor to a boy. I have some co-workers who are involved in Big Brothers, and they love it. Friends like Joe White are all about speaking into the lives of young men and calling them to a deeper faith (read about CrossBow here).

The bottom line: the next generation wants, yearns for, and needs us. We’d do well to follow Truett Cathy’s wonderful dedication to build into the lives of boys – and girls.

Father’s Day Contest

Perhaps the most powerful influence in the world is that of a dad on his child. Not only did I have a father who modeled in word and deed what it meant to be a good dad, but I have the awesome privilege of being a dad of six children along with my wife, Dena. Next week, Sunday, June 19th, is Father’s Day.

 And so, to celebrate, I have teamed up with my publisher, Moody Publishers, to give away some great prizes over the week leading up to Father’s Day!

Daily winners will receive:

One grand prize winner will receive this prize package:

 

Enter to Win:

Enter to win by leaving the answer to the ONE of the following questions in the comment section of this blog post:

1)      What is one of your favorite first time dad stories?
2)      What is some of the best first time dad advice you’ve received?
3)      What is one question all first time dads ask?

Get Extra Entries by: 

1. Tweeting the following about this contest (must include the website link):
Enter to win a First Time Dad prize package! http://johnfullerblog.com

2. Join John Fuller on his Facebook fan page
Become a fan by clicking on the “Like” button. If you are already a fan, use the “Share” link on John’s page to post it to your wall.

 You must leave an additional comment on this blog post letting me know you did any of the above to receive the extra entries.

Deadlines & Winners

FAQs

Can I enter if I am not a first-time dad?
Yes, anyone can enter. Perhaps you want to win the contest to give the information to your husband or to friends who are expectant parents.

Why isn’t my comment on the blog showing up?
Please note that all comments must be approved by the moderator before they appear on the blog. It may take a few hours for your comment to appear, but all contest entry comments will be counted.

*This contest is in no way sponsored, endorsed, or administered by, or associated with daddytoolbelts.com, Starbucks, or Facebook. The tool belt and gift card were purchased by Moody Publishers for this contest.

Prizes unclaimed after 10 business days subject to forfeiture.

God bless!