Parents: Assess The Past

Posted on June 29, 2011 
Filed Under Fathering, Focus on the Family Broadcast, Parenting

If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will. Every parent does.

It is a rather abrupt, startling, odd sense. You stop for just a moment.

“I sound just like my dad.”

Or, “That was just how my mom would have done it.”

“Where’d THAT come from?”

For good or bad, we’re products of our parents and their personal characteristics. We tend to emulate – intentionally or not – the approach to raising kids that we saw modeled as we grew up. If they were strict in discipline, we’re likely to be the same with our kids. If they were “strong, silent” types who didn’t engage with children, we’re prone to continue that legacy. If they nurtured and showed grace, our own kids are probably going to experience that in their lives, as well.

If you are about to become a parent, or are fairly new to the role, it is important to recognize that heritage you’ve received (whether you like it or not).

Understanding who you are – and why – is a critical first step in being a better dad.

Now, some of us have or had a good relationship with our parents. For others, that relationship is strained. For some, it was broken so early, or irretrievably, that there’s just nothing there. Still, like some dormant illness the patterns are there, the tendency is just waiting to be repeated.

What to do? Well, Ken Canfield is an expert on fathering, and he suggests the following six questions to determine what baggage you’re bringing into your role as a new dad (full article here).

  1. In reflecting on your relationship to your father or father figure, how would you describe his support of you?
  2. Did he regularly show you affection?
  3. Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  4. Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  5. Did he abuse you or another family member?
  6. Would you say he was a good example?

I’m glad for these questions that Ken raised. They are good starting points to help you consider who you are – and “from whence you came.”

The past does affect the present, and if you’re going to choose the right future, you need to understand the road you’ve been traveling. On the Focus on the Family radio program we addressed the issue of baggage, and other facets of fathering, as we talked about my new book, First Time Dad. Listen here.

Download the first chapter, get the discussion guide, read my “Ten Friendly Warnings” for new dads and buy the book by clicking on the links to your right.

Comments

One Response to “Parents: Assess The Past”

  1. Jacqueline on July 11th, 2011 6:18 pm

    Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. John Fuller is “right on” in terms of stating how past interactions with parents affect how we relate to others and bond with our children. We need to know our roots and, in some cases, uproot the evils of our past and start again being a new creature in Christ.
    http://www.jacquelinerbanks.com

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