Impact of Fatherlessness

I just spent a delightful weekend away with my family. We were away in the mountains, with no internet, and lots of time together. It was great! We played games, talked, and relaxed as a family. I tried to spend individual time with each of the five who made it (our oldest lives on the East Coast), and was grateful for the meaningful ways we connected. With the warmth of the weekend on my heart and mind, earlier today I was reflecting on some startling stats about kids who don’t have a dad in their lives.

Did you know the United States is the world’s leader in fatherless homes? The impact is breathtaking: 63 percent of youth suicides come from fatherless homes, and 75 percent of all adolescent patients in drug treatment centers come from homes without a dad.

In his book, It’s Better to Build Boys than Mend Men, Truett Cathy offers some other insights about the trouble children from fatherless homes experience. They are:

• 5 times more likely to commit suicide.

• 32 times more likely to run away.

• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

• 14 times more likely to commit rape.

• 9 times more likely to drop out of school.

• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.

• 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.

• 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

Such revelations should drive every wayward father home and cause every dad teetering on divorce to do whatever he can to salvage his marriage.

And if you ARE home, Dad, those statistics should push you to spend time – quality and quantity time – time with your children. You should do that because it is the right thing. Because your child needs you. And because it is wonderfully rewarding!

Have a little boy? Or maybe a teen boy? For a father who really wants to shape his son’s future, let me suggest there is an outstanding set of resources from my friend Robert Lewis. His book, Raising A Modern Day Knight, has been wonderfully helpful to me in bringing up three boys, and I’ve recommended it for years. Additionally, let me suggest a cool – free! – smartphone app to help you be more intentional in training your boy to become a man of integrity with a rock-solid faith. Find a link to some videos, as well – check out these resources and hear an interview with Robert Lewis right here.

I might also add that regardless of your stage of parenting, in my book First Time Dad I tried to capture some of the common challenges – and joys – every father, especially new dads, encounter.  Intended to encourage and inspire, the book reflects my experiences as a Dad for the past 23 years. You might consider it as an early Father’s Day present?

 

Five Tips To Help Survive A New Baby

‘Tis the season…for babies! A number of co-workers and friends are welcoming new little ones into their families.While I think most will adapt well to being new parents, some of us have not made that transition to life with a baby so easily or quickly. I’ve often said that getting married was oh-so-natural, but learning how to be a new dad was a lot of work! This was especially the case when it came to my marriage. Dena and I re-centered our lives on our new son, and in the process I found that not only did the baby need new efforts – so did my wife.

From my book, First Time Dad, here are five quick tips for men to help with the many adjustments needed when “baby makes three” (or four, or five…), especially when it comes to keeping your marriage strong:

  1. Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have younger kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza, or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.
  2. Remember your wife is not your enemy. She is the love of your life, and you need to treat her as the shining jewel that she is for you. So don’t get angry with her. Don’t blow up when she is exhausted and needs you to really help out. Extend lots of grace. Follow the Scriptural admonition to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19 NIV
  3. Remember this child is not your enemy. You love this little baby, really, you do! So don’t for a minute think that she is an enemy to your marriage. Yes, she will demand a lot of you and she will extract a lot of your wife’s energies and attentions. But she’s your child, and you have a tremendous responsibility to raise her well. It’s your job to allow her needs to dictate a lot of your life’s choices and activities – for now. And that’ll impact your marriage.
  4. Share the load. Now is the time to show your wife you love her by sacrificing your pride – or your stubbornness – and really stepping up the contribution you make to her life. Clean the kitchen, or her car. Empty the trash. Change that baby’s diaper. Make dinner. Those domestic duties that you’ve let her handle need to be shared, as she is pretty tired from being a Mom. That means you have to come alongside her and help. Look around, find practical things that need to be done, and get to work. Trust me, your wife will notice, even if she doesn’t say anything right now.
  5. Get some sleep. Suggestion: Take turns wearing earplugs. Seriously. Buy some Mack’s Silicone Earplugs and learn to love ‘em! I didn’t want to consider these things, but Dena started using them and it became apparent that she was sleeping well – while I didn’t, because our son kept waking me up during the night. So when you are desperate for sleep, wear earplugs. Alternate turns, so at least one of you gets a good night of rest, every night.

Guys, what other tips would you offer?

Radio Is Reaching Our Military

If you’ve ever supported the work of Focus on the Family, through prayer and/or a financial contribution, you are a part of a dynamic outreach to those who need a good word! The following note was encouraging for us, and I hope it’ll be so for you, too:

I just wanted to say how great it is to be able to listen to Focus on the Family’s daily broadcasts online.  I’m in the military, and…most of the people I work with are not Christians, which is apparent in their lifestyles and vocabulary.  I listen to your programs at work.  Sometimes people aren’t quite sure what to say when they ask what I’m listening to and I tell them ‘Focus on the Family.’  However, it is a good way to spread the word about the Lord and tell people about your ministry.  It’s always nice to know that I can hop online and gain encouragement from your broadcasts (it is especially helpful on deployments when my surroundings are strange and scary).
We’re privileged to be used by God to speak into the lives of those serving in the military. I hope that you’ll consider a gift of $10 or $20 today to help us continue reaching out through radio, websites and more. In fact, right now you can effectively double your donation, thanks to a matching grant from some special friends of Focus on the Family. Find out more here.

Advice For First Time Dads

I’m very pleased that the Focus on the Family radio program about my book, First Time Dad, re-airs today as part of the “Best of 2011″ series. What a privilege to share from my own experiences with new fathers. Here’s a reflection on some early memories as we anticipated the arrival of our first child.

If you visit the Amtrak level of New York City’s Penn Station, you’ll notice a large schedule board that hangs from the ceiling. At rush hour, crowds gather there, sometimes several people deep, to await their train’s track assignment. People are eager to make a beeline for the train to get a good seat. Just prior to the boarding announcement, a voice bellows from the speakers: “Ready! Ready! Ready! Ready!” The passengers grab their bags and brace themselves for the sprint downstairs.

That’s a lot how we felt in those days leading up to Dakota’s arrival. We were ready. Our bags were packed, and we had one in each hand.

If having a child is akin to a college final, we were prepared to ace the exam. Within months we were set to take on the biggest responsibility we’d ever known, the most significant work a person can do. We knew that raising a child is a fearful and wonderful job, one that never really ends, but one for which we were as prepared as we could be.

Or so we thought.

Simply thinking, reading, and talking about our new roles of dad and mom wasn’t enough. Looking back, I realize just how little I really knew about being a dad when our firstborn entered the world.

If you’re feeling confident, or even if you have some reservations, about becoming a new parent, I’ll encourage you to listen to the conversation, download the free materials (over there on the right side of this page) and maybe even get a copy of my book.

And maybe you can share a story from your early parenting experiences here in the comments section? Thanks!

Autism In The News

Several recent articles and reports about autism that have caught my attention:

“There’s an app for that.” The Marietta Times reports about the local use of technology, specifically Apple’s iPad and some unique applications, to assist students with autism.

Questions every parent of a special needs child asks, and one that my wife and I have pondered: What happens when our son, who has autism, grows up? Will he be able to lead a happy, productive and independent life? One family’s story is linked here.

“The fact that it was five times as much was quite shocking.” That’s one scientist’s reaction to a possible link between low birth weight and autism. Newspaper coverage of that report is here.

And, from California, one study that examines the possibility that autism individuals have more brain cells than non-autistic persons.  “For the first time, we have the potential to understand why autism gets started,” said the study’s author.

Finally, this radio conversation remains one of my favorites from 2011. Chuck Colson talks lovingly about his grandson, Max. We featured Chuck’s daughter, Emily Colson, who shared tender and touching moments of raising Max. It is a must-listen to for anyone with an autistic child in their lives.

Penn State and Doing The Right Thing

Despite knowing Jim Daly for 20 years, I had never heard about the encounter, which happened when he was only 10 years old. And when Jim shared that short personal story on today’s Focus on the Family radio program, I was rather shocked. It revealed yet another reason why he is such a passionate advocate for children.

Tune in on your local radio station, or listen here, and you’ll also hear some unique perspectives about the Penn State situation from our guests Bob and Dannah Gresh. They live in State College, PA and also have a son who is a student at Penn State.  They’ll tell about the reaction of the local community, and offer insights about the need for every one of us to stand up and do the right thing when we see — or even when we suspect — evil-doing.

Finally, Focus on the Family offers counseling and resources for those who were a victim of childhood sexual abuse. You’ll find those, along with blog entries from Jim, Dannah and others about Penn State, right here and also here.

 

Thank You, Veterans

Today as we honor those who have served in our military, a story, a few links and a suggestion.

First, some feedback from a listener:

“My husband is a soldier; he’s been deployed overseas to the combat zone and will hopefully be returning soon.  About a week ago I called Focus to ask some questions related to welcoming him home.  A chaplain from your staff called back, offered helpful suggestions and prayed for our family.  You also sent me some materials that offer information and encouragement.  I can’t tell you how much your kindness means to me.  I am very proud of my husband, and it has been wonderful to hear him describe how he has been witnessing to people while deployed.  We both know this was where God wanted him.  Thank you very much for all the help and prayer that you offer military families.  It is only by God’s grace and the prayers of His people that we are able to continue on with joy and thanksgiving.”

We LOVE hearing from someone we’ve helped. And if you donate to Focus on the Family, you played a part in reaching out to this family in a time of real need.

If you are military, or like me have friends who serve, you should know about some of the practical things we offer families. Let me start by pointing to Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife Barb, who have a great outreach to military families. Here’s a radio conversation with them about common issues of communication, control and coming together for deployed families.

Related, here’s an article with firsthand insights about some of the challenges couples and parents face when returning home.

In this two-day series, Retired Maj. Gen. Doug Carver and retired Capt. Mike Langston discuss their experiences as military chaplains and their ministry to soldiers on the battlefield. They have some dramatic stories and huge hearts for the men and women they worked with as chaplains.

Here’s a radio program about the realities of life with PTSD, featuring an incredible story of survival and the on-going difficulties. We also offer trusted counseling advice to help with some of the basics for those returning from battle – and those awaiting them.

Alright, now for a suggestion (two, actually). Practically, one way to support our troops in the most important aspects of their service – their faith in God – we’ve got an easy and significant opportunity. Give a dramatized audio Bible to a soldier on the field…and offer them God’s Word. Details here. So far, your financial help has helped hundreds of these unique and powerful tools be ‘deployed.”

Finally, a reminder to take a minute to thank a veteran, and to thank God for the privileges we have in this country.

 

 

 

 

Taking A Look Ahead

Looking ahead...what do you see?

It was loaded on my iPod, and while I had heard it dozens of times – often cranked up loud on my first “real” stereo system back in my college days – I’m not sure I ever really listened to the lyrics. That particular morning, though, as I walked along the road in the middle of Gunnison County, surrounded by beautiful mountains and enjoying some solitude, I listened and heard the meaning of the song. And on this lovely day I thought they were pretty profound.

Back in 1976 the band Boston released their debut album. It was a highly successful project. An ardent follower of the pop and rock music scene, I played this album a lot — probably a hundred times a year. One song, “Peace of Mind,” has been a staple for classic rock stations, and I’ve heard it often over the years.

I’m not sure why I never noticed the point of “Peace of Mind” prior to this particular morning walk. Despite my familiarity with the guitar riffs and even the chorus, for some reason I had never dialed into the meaning of the lyrics. As I enjoyed the sunshine and trees, though, the message came through clearly. And it grabbed me! I found myself completely agreeing with lead singer Brad Delp as he sang with conviction:

Now you’re climbin’ to the top of the company ladder

Hope it doesn’t take too long

Can’tcha see there’ll come a day when it won’t matter

Come a day when you’ll be gone

~

I understand about indecision

But I don’t care if I get behind

People livin’ in competition

All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead. Look ahead.

Walking along that rural highway with my iPod cranked up, it suddenly seemed as though Solomon had packaged one of his proverbial sayings or a line from his ancient writings in Ecclesiastes to some good electric guitar and driving drums. There were timeless themes that are as relevant today as they were back in the 70s. Notions of success, competition, climbing the corporate ladder, striving to get ahead…that’s what Delp was singing about. And I realized there was – and is – an application for my life from this song.

Chasing after temporal values, wrestling with decisions about where we invest our time and energies, overlooking internal peace as we go for the gold…these are ultimately empty and meaningless pursuits.

When we look at what really matters, considering matters with a more eternal perspective, it becomes clear that a lot of what we value is temporal in nature. Unfortunately, as well, is that much of what we ignore or at least treat with less enthusiasm and respect is really quite important. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong in working hard and doing well, but misplaced priorities can sidetrack us from the really meaningful aspects of life.

So, I need to stop and take a look ahead. Look down the road and consider what I believe is important. Will it last?

Will my efforts last into eternity?

In some ways, the work I do at Focus will last. It has an eternal message, and many lives around the world have been touched by our radio efforts. This is a great job, and I am deeply grateful for it. However, as I told Dena last night, “I’m not irreplaceable.”

In the ten years I’ve been co-host of the Focus on the Family radio program, I’ve only missed being on a handful of broadcasts. But in my absence…”the show must go on” – and it does. Whether I am here or not, our team produces great programming, and if someone needs to handle my duties while I am away, they get that taken care of. I’m replaceable at work.

But, as I tell folks with some frequency, despite the joys and fulfillment I find here at Focus, my REAL job is right at home as a husband and father. In these roles I am irreplaceable. I’m the guy. There isn’t a substitute. The responsibility to love my wife and kids is solely mine. It isn’t something someone else can step in and do until I get back.

How about you? You work hard, and you might have a great job. But its temporal compared to the eternal investment you are called to make in your family.

Are you taking a look ahead? Taking a “long view” of things, and making sure your priorities are right? It’s not too late…

Inspiring Adoption Advocates

John and Kelly Rosati have adopted four children through foster care. They’ve traveled an incredible road, full of challenges and joys. They don’t sugarcoat the difficulties, nor do they despair. They are inspiring advocates for orphan care, and you can listen to their story right here.

 

Finding Help

Here’s an encouraging comment recently received, about the “accidental” manner in which one person discovered the Focus on the Family radio programs.

“Last year I had a new stereo put into my car.  During the installation someone programmed one of the keys to a Christian talk radio station.  I never chose that station, but I didn’t reprogram it either.  Then about five months ago, I decided to try listening.  I was thrilled to discover the Focus on the Family broadcast.  Now I tune in every day on my way to work.  I appreciate how you support me as a wife and mother.”

Maybe you can introduce someone to our broadcasts?

Next Page →