Help For Blended Families

Blended families present husbands, wives, moms, dads, and children – regardless of age – special opportunities and difficulties. A lot of angst, emotion…and special graces can be seen in the “mashing together” of individuals into a family.  At the Focus Marriage Forum, the most active conversation centers around blended families, kids and priorities.

Today’s Focus radio program addresses blended families. Our guests, Danny and Rayna Ortlie, speak openly about the joys – and challenges – of their rather unique situation. By the way, Danny’s book, Mommy Paints The Sky, is a tender account of his the marriage to and loss of his first wife, and how God graciously brought Rayna into his life.

Struggling with tough issues in your family? You’ll find a helpful list of trusted resources here. If you’d prefer to talk with someone, Focus on the Family Help Center counselors are here to listen and pray with you. You can arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time. Last year this compassionate team helped 66,000 individuals – so be aware that you’ll probably need to leave your name and number for a counselor to return your call.

Parents: Show Up

I had to read the letter published in the paper a second time. Had I gotten that right?

Really?

“Dear Abby: I am a 12 year-old girl who is dating a senior boy in high school. One night, we went to a party and then back to his place. His parents and sister were out of town, and he was really drunk. As soon as we got to his house, he started drinking again. That led to a big fight. I was literally walking out the door when he grabbed me and told me if I ever leave him, he’ll hunt me down and kill me!” Scared in NC

I have a 12 year-old daughter. I cannot fathom allowing her to be dating, let alone handing her off to some 17 or 18 year-old guy. I hoped Abby’s reply would reflect a bit of my anger…and it did just that.

“Dear Scared, Tell your parents or guardian about the young man’s threat. You are too young to deal with this yourself and to be dating a boy that much older than you. He clearly has problems and not enough supervision – and the same is true of you.”

That’s a disturbing letter, and while it was in the newspaper back a few years ago, it reflects a trend in parenting that I find appalling. Maybe we should call it “not showing up” parenting.

What in the world are that poor girl’s parents thinking? Why in the world would they let her “date” a guy five or six years older than her? Why is she even dating at age 12? What’s going on?

We live in a world in which parents are disengaged and hands-off. We live in a world in which kids have more freedoms – and face more dangerous influences – than ever before. We live in a world in which cultural pressures abound, influencing our parenting decisions and necessarily influencing the kinds of adults our children will become.

My friend, Janet Parshall, speaking to a crowd of concerned parents, said that their clear responsibility – a mandate from God – is to train their children. In essence, she said:

If you don’t work to pass along your values to your children, the culture will!

There’s a lot of truth in Janet’s clarion call to latch onto and own the responsibility to raise our kids with intentionality. As parents we MUST be active – relentless, really – in the spiritual training of our children.

We are responsible to pass along a passion for God to our children, and we are to be intentional about that process, as Deuteronomy 6: 6-7 clearly indicates:

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Impress.

Talk.

Walk.

Lie down, get up.

Note that there are a lot of verbs in these two verses.

This is action-oriented stuff. This isn’t an optional, work-it-into-your-busy-schedule-if-you-can suggestion. This isn’t a call to be a passive parent. Instead, it is a charge to have an on going, continual, interaction with your child about your God.

What are you doing – today – to ensure that your kids are going to have a constant exposure to your faith, and to learn about God? What’s one thing you can do this very day to make sure that your values are being communicated to – and grabbed onto by – your child?

As a parent, are you going to show up today?

Parents: Assess The Past

If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will. Every parent does.

It is a rather abrupt, startling, odd sense. You stop for just a moment.

“I sound just like my dad.”

Or, “That was just how my mom would have done it.”

“Where’d THAT come from?”

For good or bad, we’re products of our parents and their personal characteristics. We tend to emulate – intentionally or not – the approach to raising kids that we saw modeled as we grew up. If they were strict in discipline, we’re likely to be the same with our kids. If they were “strong, silent” types who didn’t engage with children, we’re prone to continue that legacy. If they nurtured and showed grace, our own kids are probably going to experience that in their lives, as well.

If you are about to become a parent, or are fairly new to the role, it is important to recognize that heritage you’ve received (whether you like it or not).

Understanding who you are – and why – is a critical first step in being a better dad.

Now, some of us have or had a good relationship with our parents. For others, that relationship is strained. For some, it was broken so early, or irretrievably, that there’s just nothing there. Still, like some dormant illness the patterns are there, the tendency is just waiting to be repeated.

What to do? Well, Ken Canfield is an expert on fathering, and he suggests the following six questions to determine what baggage you’re bringing into your role as a new dad (full article here).

  1. In reflecting on your relationship to your father or father figure, how would you describe his support of you?
  2. Did he regularly show you affection?
  3. Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  4. Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  5. Did he abuse you or another family member?
  6. Would you say he was a good example?

I’m glad for these questions that Ken raised. They are good starting points to help you consider who you are – and “from whence you came.”

The past does affect the present, and if you’re going to choose the right future, you need to understand the road you’ve been traveling. On the Focus on the Family radio program we addressed the issue of baggage, and other facets of fathering, as we talked about my new book, First Time Dad. Listen here.

Download the first chapter, get the discussion guide, read my “Ten Friendly Warnings” for new dads and buy the book by clicking on the links to your right.

Fatherhood Lost

The program earlier this week about how men are affected by abortion touched many listeners. Here’s the summary from one of our phone reps of a particularly poignant comment:

An anonymous caller shared that she was touched greatly by the broadcast “Fatherhood Lost.” She always had a hardened heart against women who had had an abortion because she has struggled with trying to conceive unsuccessfully. Now she sees it from another view. With tears streaming, her heart has now been softened by what these women go through as a result of their mistake.

Another caller said that

he has been affected by abortion several times throughout his life, and appreciates (the broadcast).

Listen here.

Connecting With Focus

“Why am I here? Because Focus on the Family has been part of my life for the past 20 years. You’ve helped me in my marriage and in raising my kids. I’m grateful for all Focus has done, and it just seemed like I had to be here today!”

It is something we hear frequently. Focus on the Family is indeed a special ministry, and God has enabled us to really connect with people in many deep ways. That comment was from a woman I met while in Vancouver, BC last weekend for the dedication of a new headquarters for Focus on the Family Canada.

The new building – paid for at move-in! – is phenomenal in every way, but as I told FOF Canada president Terence Rolston, what really makes the place special is the staff. Energetic, enthusiastic, dedicated to the mission and obviously appreciative of and affectionate toward each other, the folks who make up Focus Canada are a terrific group.

During Friday’s ribbon cutting ceremony, a private banquet that evening and then during Saturday’s open house, I met some wonderful friends of the ministry. There were some folks who flew across the country to participate in the events. One family we greeted drove 10 hours to the Vancouver area. A woman I met said she made a four hour drive to join the festivities. Along the way there were many similar reminders of the doors God has opened for Focus to speak into the lives of men and women, boys and girls.

Why do folks feel such a connection to Focus? I believe it is God’s doing, a response to our prayers that He use our efforts in significant ways. We ask Him often to touch lives through what we do.

Every day we hear reports and stories about just that – ways in which Focus has been used by God to make a lasting impact on someone.Here’s a particularly poignant account of a life changed:

“I am one of Focus on the Family’s silent supporters. I’m silent in the sense that you don’t know that I’m here, but I am. I first heard your program on the radio when I was an eighteen-year-old runaway. Your broadcast, and others like it, helped me to return to my faith and family. I am now reconciled with my family (which I thank God came about before my father’s sudden death), happily married, and expecting our first child. Your wisdom and guidance have been invaluable to me over the years. As I have struggled to reestablish my faith, you have provided a refreshing guide to ‘practical’ Christianity that I have desperately needed.”

If God has used Focus in YOUR life, would you please let us know? Make a comment below. Visit our Facebook page and leave a story (or at the least, “Like” us). Call us (800-232-6459). Or drop a note to Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995. (if you are in Canada, our contact info is here).

Finally, as this is really a spiritual effort, would you please pray with us? We have specific ways you can pray for Focus on the Family here.

Thanks again to the talented, hard-working staff in our Canada office, to the many who participated in the events last week, and most of all, to God for His on-going goodness and work.

Dads and Work

(And in honor of the upcoming holiday on Sunday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?

My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.

“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”

I was stunned by the revelation. I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and to be available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.

For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin building their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to home. All too often, work wins out.

What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? Famed Christian scholar C.S. Lewis offered this insight:

Men tell not only their wives but themselves that it is a hardship to stay late at the office or the school on some bit of important extra work. But it is not quite true. It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, “Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow” … A terrible bore … Ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons, but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.

There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids, but a fear of being deemed insignificant is, sadly, very high on the list.

A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.

Fatherhood, on the other hand, rarely offers measurable results or clear indicators of success, and the payoff for all that effort may not come for many years. 

So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task. The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.

Listen to John Fuller talk more about being a dad on Part 1 and Part 2 of the broadcast titled “New Dads: Embracing the Journey Ahead.”

This article first appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was originally titled “Tug-of-Work.” Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com

Advice For Expectant Parents

I caught our third child. And I’m not saying I caught her doing something. I literally caught her.

On a recent Focus on the Family radio program we shared an audio clip of the “911″ call I made moments after “delivering” our daughter Allie at home, unexpectedly. What a moment! It was one of the most profound, moving experiences of my life. I can hardly go back in time to that wonderful day without tearing up!

In case you missed it, here’s the highlight clip: 911 call re: Allie Fuller

Even though Allie was our third child, there were some things about parenting – especially related to raising a girl – that I wish I had known at the time. A third child changes everything, and when you are used to having a couple of rambunctious boys, a girl can be an especially (and wonderful!) catalyst for change.

Let me share a few “thought starters” for the new (or expectant) parent. Consider your assumptions about how a baby will affect your life:

1.     What does being a mom or dad mean to you?

2.     Do you expect parenting to be easy or hard? Why?

3.     How would you describe one (or more!) of the biggest challenges you’re facing about being a first time dad or mom?

4.     Overall, how do you think you’ll do as a new parent?

It is important to think through these questions, and to consider what you’re really expecting – when you’re expecting. Big changes are coming, and you CAN do this parenting thing well. You just need to be prepared to learn as you go, to be open to God’s leading, to find joy in the journey. It is a wonderful privilege to shepherd a child through those early days…all the way to adulthood.

Over the weekend we celebrated Allie’s 17th birthday. It’s really hard to believe she is a lovely young lady who can drive, care for the household and express a desire to serve God and know Him better. While at times the parenting process seemed slow, let the 911 call above remind you that things get moving pretty fast, and that your role as a mom or dad will transition all-too-quickly to coach/mentor/friend.

How The Baby Can Affect Your Marriage

Intuitively, most new parents understand that everything changes when their first baby arrives. But there’s an interesting emotional reaction that takes place, and it reflects both mental and physical processing differences between men and women.

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal,

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child, according to data from the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle..Conflict increases and, with little time for adult conversation and sex, emotional distance can develop.

The research indicates that mothers’ satisfaction in their marriages plummets immediately; for men, the slide is delayed a few months.

This is both interesting to me, and also affirming of my own observations of new parents. It seems pretty common for women to feel at least a bit unhappy after delivering a child – hormones have been deeply affected, there is a dramatic weight change, sleep deprivation occurs, and there is the uncertainty of just how to do this “Mom thing” well.

Contrast that with men, who often feel sidelined by all the attention – by his wife and by others in their lives – on the baby. His wife is less available to him, emotionally and physically, and his level of involvement with that new little one is rather limited. It takes a while for all this to accumulate and impact him. One day, however, he awakens to find himself feeling detached and at least a little unsatisfied with the relationship.

I tried to address this in my new book, First Time Dad. In fact, I’ve devoted three chapters to this very subject, with two specifically offering ideas for how a new dad can love his wife during this time of transition. Here is a thought about our own experiences after our first child was born.

We had been married almost four years when three simple words, “It’s a boy!” changed our lives. Overnight, our date nights were history—at least that’s how I felt at the time. As new parents, we were overwhelmed, exhausted, and insecure. We kept waiting for life to return to normal, but it never did.

Our ultimate romantic fantasy was eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m not kidding.

Looking back, beyond deep – deep! – joy in having a son and the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with this new life, it was an exhausting, exhilarating, stressful time for both of us as individuals and as a couple.  We had to wrestle through some things and there were many bumps along the way.

Having “been there” and survived, one of the most helpful things I can recommend to new dads is this:

Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have young kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.

I’ll offer another piece of advice if you are struggling making the adjustment to being new parents:

Find a trusted pastor or counselor with whom you can talk things through.

If you don’t have someone like that in your life, call 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with a Focus counselor. They can have an initial conversation with you, and even make a reference for someone in your area to help you successfully navigate these trying – but rich and rewarding – days.

Five Things To Get Ready For Parenthood

If you’ve got a few months – or less! – before the arrival of your first child, how can you possibly get ready for your new role as a dad or mom? Here are five ideas to consider:

1. Engage with quality books and videos about parenting. There are dozens and dozens of good resources from well-regarded experts. I’ve referred to many of my favorite books and videos throughout my own book, First-Time Dad. Take advantage now of the seasoned, wise advice of others. Very soon you’ll be too busy to read, listen and watch as much as you might want.

John holding his young son, Zane, as they left Vladivostok, Russia for the long journey home.

2. Spend time with experienced parents. Watch them. Watch their kids. Make mental notes. Write things down. Launch conversations from their experiences with their kids. Find a mentor couple to walk you through the coming days, someone to offer experienced perspectives to help you as a new parent.

3. Discuss with your spouse your hopes, fears, and expectations about being a new parent. Talk about your pasts. Address your expectations about how you will approach this monumental task. Make sure that, where you have differences, you’ve talked those through and come to a shared understanding of areas of common ground you can agree on.

4. Pray about your new parental responsibilities. Ask God to help you be the parent your child needs, and to supply what you lack.

5. Journal about the road ahead. Gals: You know what I mean. Guys: This is something a lot of men struggle with, as such thinking can lead to . . . feelings. And many men run from emotions. But consider taking the time, even if you are very busy, to think things through to deep levels—and to record those reflections on your computer or in a journal. It can help to express your thoughts and feelings— in real time, as you encounter various situations.

Learn more about parenting here. And if you’re a new dad, give our radio program about my book a listen here or get the free sample chapter as a download here.

Dad, Remember The Days

I recently had the privilege of being a guest on the Focus on the Family radio program, talking about my book, First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need To Know. In the book I’ve tried to offer new fathers an optimistic, and realistic, look at expectations about parenting.

As I’ve reflected on my fatherhood journey, there are many wonderful memories. I was asked to pull together some photographs capturing a few of my favorite moments. Here are just a few…I’ve got so many times with our kids etched upon my mind. And if you stop by, lots of them are posted on my office wall, too!

Looking back over the years, wondering how in the world our  two oldest boys are are now adults out in the workforce, I can only say. “Dad, remember the days. Drink them in…because they go by mighty quickly. Maximize the times you spend with those kids God has blessed you with, and make it your goal to become their best friend.”

Now, someone grab a tissue for me?

A proud first time dad! Here’s John with Dakota, in 1990. Time has sped by quickly - he graduates from college next month!

In 1991 John and Dena welcomed Seth into the family. What a fine young man!

Wonderful memories of fishing at Rainbow Falls with the boys in celebration of Seth’s 4th birthday. These moments don’t just happen – it takes some work and planning to make special times happen.

Our kids have always enjoyed the water. And we’ve had lots of trips to various campgrounds. Here are the three oldest “cooling their heels” in Jenny Lake, Teton National Park in 1995. One of my favorite pictures!

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