When Is Parenting Over?

Three years ago we said “Goodbye” to our oldest, sending him off to college. I’ve written here before about that transition. Truthfully, it was a hard season. I wasn’t prepared for the meaning of the event, and the lingering difficulties associated with having a child out on his own. We missed our son and his presence in the home!

I’m reminded of that process of raising a child, then saying goodbye as we did that very thing – once more – this morning. I was up at 4:20 a.m. to take Dakota and also his younger brother, Seth to the airport.

Taken at 5 a.m. today, at the Colorado Springs airport. Seth and Dakota are off for adventure!

As I write this, they are en route to two destinations 1,000 miles away from home. Big brother now tackles his final year at Hillsdale College in Michigan. Son #2 is off to Portland, Oregon to stretch his wings a bit. So the transition is happening yet again. My sons are now men, and our relationship is changed forever. Life in our home will be very different without these boys – we love them dearly, and will miss their help, conversations and humor.

So today, especially, I’m feeling the loud “tick tock” of the clock. It is really hard to believe that we’re already pretty much done with the training of two – two! – kids. While they’ll likely seek out wisdom from time to time, we’re watching them make life work out on their own terms. Now we only have four left in the home – wow!

As I reflect, I think back to the earlier years of sleepless nights, emotional outbreaks, temper tantrums and such. About those bleary-eyed days and nights, another parent wondered,

“When is my work as a parent done?”

From what I can tell, the parenting journey is a life-long marathon. It certainly doesn’t end with a child’s 18th birthday or their move out of the house. It changes, then, of course. But our work as Moms and Dads begins before that baby enters the world and ends…when? Based on observation and the on-going trials some parents I know are enduring – with their adult kids – truth be told, probably never!

Parenting is one tough, lifelong job. As to the importance of the role, the late Adrian Rogers observed,

Home is the university of life, with parents as the professors, children as students and life as the lab.

You may not be able to grasp how quickly time flies past, especially if you are stressed by raising young children right now. Those early years can be hard – and, in fact, the entire parenting journey can be hard! But you are training your child – intentionally or not – and soon enough he or she will head off for “life.”

As the old song said,

Teach your children well…

While I ponder these past years with our now grown boys, I feel compelled to encourage parents with younger kids to make the most of these years of “education.” Maximize the opportunities – while you have them! Make memories. Give parenting your all. Pour into that child and keep your eyes set on the goal: to have a healthy well-adjusted adult who has character and loves God. Seize the moment, and drink in the gifts God gives to you today as a mom or dad. You’ll always be  parent, but one day you’ll have a different relationship with that child, that of friend. Do the early years well, and look forward to having kids that you can enjoy when they are adults.

So, your job as a parent is not over – ever. Decide today to run this race with endurance and hope, and with joy! I’m committed to do so as today, and will let the day’s emotions and reflections push me to be a better dad.

A Daddy’s Influence

From a journal entry about five years ago, the following captures the value of investing in the life of your child – especially as he or she enters the turbulent teen years.

~~ ~~

It was a day to spend some time with my oldest daughter.

We started with our weekly “Bagel and Bible” time, in which we head to a local coffee shop and have some breakfast. Along the way, as we conversed, we opened the Scriptures and interacted about a particular passage…and yesterday we tackled a hard one – Lamentations. All of it. I gave an overview of what the writer was trying to convey, the historical setting and also some thoughts about how we might apply some of the truths in the book to our lives today. The “weeping prophet” needed some contextualization for an 11 year-old, but I think it was a pretty meaningful conversation. I benefited from the reminder of right living and God’s forgiveness.

Several hours later, I ended up being the driver to pick her up from an after-church event. That made for a nice drive home with her – and nobody else in the car – during which we discussed the activities and people involved. She shared from her heart, and I felt a great privilege in offering some encouragement.

Mid-afternoon found us headed on another errand. Casual, it became a little chit-chat time for us.

Late afternoon she called when I was at the grocery store, and asked me to bring home some Cheerios for a dessert recipe she had started. This was a treat to take on a forthcoming trip. Dutifully, I grabbed a box. When I got home, she thanked me…not an overly meaningful exchange, but she expressed her gratitude for helping her out in a small way.

All in all, a number of little interactions with an 11 year-old daughter who still looks up to me and values my attentions.

So…this morning. As I head out the door, on my desk I find a small item, some  of that dessert she made with the Cheerios wrapped carefully in foil, along with a handwritten note. It was a nice little gesture. And it reminded me that the payoff was not just today, in getting a sweet treat from my daughter.

The payoff really was yesterday. Time invested wisely. Not always overly purposeful. Didn’t have to be. The point for my adolescent daughter was that she spent time with her Daddy. And that I cared enough to be there for the little rhythms of life. I had made time to be with her.

Her note was simple and to the point. And it made me tear up.

“To my father who loves me.”

What a welcome reminder…of the power God has given me as a Daddy.

~~ ~~

That daughter is now a vibrant 16 year-old. I’m happy to report that I still have her heart…she still looks up to me, and she’s still open to my fatherly advice and guidance. I’m a fortunate man!

Here’s hoping I make good use of that “Daddy power” today in her life, and in the lives of my other children.

Super-Involved Parents

I know a mom who is taking off work all week long to prepare for the upcoming school year.

I know a mom who drives 100 miles a week – or more – to ensure her children are involved with all the right activities.

I know a mom who does her teenager’s laundry – she just wants to help out.

She'll go to great lengths to be with her child, to do whatever it takes to help that child succeed!

She'll go to great lengths to be with and to help that child succeed in life!

Are these moms healthy in their approaches to parenting? I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with these illustrations – although I wouldn’t want my wife doing laundry for any of our teenagers. I’m simply wondering if there are boundaries to over-involved parenting? If perhaps some mothers do too much?

Here’s an article about “helicopter parents,” specifically addressing some of the indicators that a mom might be over-involved in her child’s life.

What do you think?

Am I a "helicopter parent?"

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Post-Vacation Re-Entry

I’ve been traveling most of the past three weeks, a combination of business and travel trips. Last week was time away in the mountains with my wife and our four youngest kids. Today, as I re-enter the “normal world” of active children and engaging work, I’m reflecting…

John and Zane enjoyed fishing for trout.

Zane and I enjoyed fishing for trout in Western Colorado last week. No bites, but still fun time together!

If you have a minute, read Focus President Jim Daly blog post about his family’s time last week at K-Kauai Family Kamp.  And listen in here to a conversation I had with two gentlemen who are deeply committed to helping families through Christian camping (its one of the last segments of the show).

Also, if you’ve been on a family vacation this summer, I’d like to hear about your experiences.

Seven Years Ago

I’ve been reflecting today on our youngest son’s birth. He turned seven today, and while he is happily playing with his new Legos and Buzz Lightyear gear, I’m struck by how normal Zane is in so many ways. He loves to play, roughhouse, read books, swim, run around at the park, and eating fruit. He blends into a crowd of kids pretty well. He is pretty strong. He talks a lot about Star Wars (Legos) and can beat me in boxing on the Wii. Zane’s life is pretty routine by most accounts.

Dena and Zane at the orphanage

Dena and Zane at the orphanage

His start in life wasn’t easy, nor usual. Born at 26 weeks, weighing just over two pounds, he spent his first days in neonatal intensive care. Somehow his tiny body pushed through that challenge, and he went on to an orphanage in eastern Russia. We met him when he was eight months, and brought him into our family shortly after that.

We’ve been blessed to have Zane in our lives! The Lord has brought him so very far, and there’s promise and spark in his life that is clear evidence of God’s grace and mercy.

God has also used that boy to teach us much about Himself, and about ourselves. And while I don’t know much about the circumstances surrounding his birth seven years ago, or his first seven months of life, I’m really glad I’ve been part of the past six years, three months.

Guy Getaways

As I walked back toward my desk I heard two co-workers talking.

“You going?”

“Yup.”

“Alright, I’ll get the tickets.”

When they saw me, one of them asked, “Do you want to come?”

“I’d love to go, but the timing won’t work. Can I take a rain check?”

They are planning on going up to Denver to see a Colorado Rockies baseball game.I didn’t ask, but it seemed to be a guys-only time.

And, as I write this, another co-worker is off on a two-day motorcycle jaunt. Seven or eight guys, roaring down the road, enjoying quality “guy time.”

I’ll admit I’m a bit envious. Things at work and home right now are just too busy for such a getaway. But why does the appeal of heading off for a night or two with some friends sound so appealing? What is it about the “guys-only getaway” that resonates so much with so many men?

It seems that men are quite often “pack animals,” bound together through common circumstances and activities. We gravitate toward “doing stuff” together in such a way that we have some space for decompression and some honest conversations. We don’t usually get together for tea, nor are we drawn toward formal events for such sharing. No, we look for the fishing trip, the baseball game, going to the races, or for me, the annual hunting trip with “the guys.”

Personally, I really enjoy “guy time” away from routine work and family responsibilities. It usually brings about some good, refreshing change-of-pace thinking. It is renewing. And the opportunity to share adrenaline as we hike the woods is something that, as a man, I anticipate and enjoy. There’s also a quality to my thought-life that results from spending time traveling and having a little space. I usually come home from such trips recharged and with renewed energy.

The masculine soul needs the wild, the adventurous, the shared male experience.  Recently the Wall Street Journal had a blog entry about this subject of male getaways. I thought it was pretty interesting – and rather accurate.

Now, I think I’ll run this thought past my wife. I’m pretty sure she’s going to agree that these male bonding times bring some benefit to our relationship. And I know she favors my hunting activities – especially if that helps fill the deep freeze and cut down on our food bills.

Hands Off, Mom?

This past weekend my wife was at a retreat for women in our church, and she told me about some of the conversations she enjoyed having with the ladies. They had a lot of fun, shared some tears, and it was a great time for her. One of the many topics the women covered over coffee or as they hiked around the beautiful national forest caught my attention: moms who can’t seem to let go.

Dena made the observation that several of the younger mothers at the retreat had checked in on their families to make sure everything was all right. They expressed relief that their husbands had not experienced a trip to the emergency room, that the kids had made it to that soccer practice, and that the home was not in chaos. I guess they couldn’t stand being away from their kids for a day or two, fearing that something would go awry and they’d not be able to help fix the problem.

Fat chance of my wife calling me to check in! After parenting for more than 20 years, Dena has “let go” of the household management when she goes away. When she goes on a retreat, Dena leaves all the worries and cares of our household behind. She detaches. She turns off the cell phone (or, as was the case this time, lets the battery go dead). She invests fully in the new surroundings, the opportunity to think and talk without interruption, the ability to refresh. So after she left Friday morning for the retreat center, Dena was out of touch until she returned Sunday evening. We could have gone to Texas for the weekend and she wouldn’t have known until she came back.

As we talked about this, I asked Dena if, as we’ve mellowed over the years, she’s learned that her time away is hers, and that caring for the home isn’t something she has to think about all the time?  She noted that, unlike many of the younger moms at the retreat, we’ve got mostly older children, and that has helped us gain a longer-term perspective on parenting. “It’s harder letting go,” she said, “even for a weekend, when your children are small.” I can understand that.

When I asked if perhaps those younger moms aren’t entirely sure if they can trust their husbands with the kids? “Well, that might be the case for one or two of the ladies,” she replied. No specific dads came to mind, but I can guess that some men are just clueless about managing the children and home. They’d not do well at juggling the kids’ needs and schedules, or what to do in a medical emergency. Most fathers I know, however, have done just fine when their wife has been gone for a time.

I’m glad Dena can get away and do so with no worries about the kids. Over the years I’ve demonstrated that I’m capable of driving our kids to their obligations and activities, preparing reasonably healthy meals and solving problems. Things aren’t necessarily taken care of the way SHE would handle them, but when Dena returns from a weekend away the children are alive and well…and the house is usually fairly clean and orderly.

I hope those young moms who interrupted their weekend retreat to call home found the time away relaxing, and that all was well when they got home Sunday. And I hope that in the near future, they’ll be able to let go…release…and trust their husbands to manage the home in their absence. As indispensible as Mom is, she can be – temporarily – replaced.

Parenting Autism

I have an autistic son. Although Zane continues to progress very well, his autism remains a significant part of his life. He has plenty of what I refer to as “autistic moments,” times when he gets stuck on some detail of life and seems to be unable to pull away from it, times when he asks questions – really strange questions – that remind me his brain doesn’t process information like mine does, times when he gets unusually frustrated about something that most kids would not think twice about. And while he is only six, I do sometimes wonder what life will be like for him when he is an adult. I pray he will live a fulfilling, independent life – and that he will know God.We just don’t know, however, what the coming years have for Zane.

The other day I saw this post in the New York Times, and as I read it I was really touched. It seems to capture, both candidly and rather beautifully, what parenting an adult with autism is like. My heart goes out to Laura Shumaker, the author, and to every parent of an adult special needs child. Such a calling is difficult and at times exhausting…and also an assignment from God to help us know His heart better.

Adopted Child Rejected By Mom

News of an adopted a boy from Russia – who was sent him back to Russia, by himself – really grabbed my heart. Here’s one account, and an excerpt:

The 7-year-old boy, Artyom Savelyev, who was called Justin Hansen by the Tennessee family, was put on a plane with a note saying his adoptive mother no longer wanted to parent him because he was violent and had severe psychological problems.

While the details are still becoming known, as an adoptive father – our youngest child is from Russia, and his given name was also Artyom – I am deeply saddened by the situation. This is a terribly tragic story on several accounts. The boy’s verbally violent threats reveal a child with some serious issues, perhaps related to fetal alcohol syndrome, which is very common in Russian infants, or attachment issues, or maybe even reflective of something on the autism spectrum. I’m very sorry to see that the parents’ were unable to control him, or to get some help – counseling, medical intervention, or more. And what about the airline which accepted the child as a passenger? And the agency which facilitated the adoption and would have been following up with the family? Who is (most) at fault here?

It would be easy to jump to conclusions and assign blame, but for now I’ll be praying for little 7 year-old Artyom, asking God to give him a family and to comfort him in this time of trouble. And I’m also praying that the door will stay open for other families to adopt from Russia. It’ll be a shame if this isolated incident adversely affects those adoptions that are already in process, or shuts down altogether the adoption opportunities for other families and children.

Pray For Ezekiel

Here’s a little boy I’d like you to pray for. His name is Ezekiel, and we met him at the Casa Luz orphanage during our Christmas-time family trip to Peru. Ezekiel was engaging and joyful, and our youngest daughter (she’s 11) especially enjoyed interacting with him.

Without going into too much detail, we have a spot in our hearts for Ezekiel. In response to God’s promptings, we’re praying, asking God to touch his life in a special way. And we’re also asking God how we might be used to accomplish His purposes for this little guy.

Could I ask you to take just a minute and ask God to touch Ezekiel and do some special things in the life of this special, fatherless child? Maybe God would have something for you in this, too.

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