Parents: Assess The Past

If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will. Every parent does.

It is a rather abrupt, startling, odd sense. You stop for just a moment.

“I sound just like my dad.”

Or, “That was just how my mom would have done it.”

“Where’d THAT come from?”

For good or bad, we’re products of our parents and their personal characteristics. We tend to emulate – intentionally or not – the approach to raising kids that we saw modeled as we grew up. If they were strict in discipline, we’re likely to be the same with our kids. If they were “strong, silent” types who didn’t engage with children, we’re prone to continue that legacy. If they nurtured and showed grace, our own kids are probably going to experience that in their lives, as well.

If you are about to become a parent, or are fairly new to the role, it is important to recognize that heritage you’ve received (whether you like it or not).

Understanding who you are – and why – is a critical first step in being a better dad.

Now, some of us have or had a good relationship with our parents. For others, that relationship is strained. For some, it was broken so early, or irretrievably, that there’s just nothing there. Still, like some dormant illness the patterns are there, the tendency is just waiting to be repeated.

What to do? Well, Ken Canfield is an expert on fathering, and he suggests the following six questions to determine what baggage you’re bringing into your role as a new dad (full article here).

  1. In reflecting on your relationship to your father or father figure, how would you describe his support of you?
  2. Did he regularly show you affection?
  3. Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  4. Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  5. Did he abuse you or another family member?
  6. Would you say he was a good example?

I’m glad for these questions that Ken raised. They are good starting points to help you consider who you are – and “from whence you came.”

The past does affect the present, and if you’re going to choose the right future, you need to understand the road you’ve been traveling. On the Focus on the Family radio program we addressed the issue of baggage, and other facets of fathering, as we talked about my new book, First Time Dad. Listen here.

Download the first chapter, get the discussion guide, read my “Ten Friendly Warnings” for new dads and buy the book by clicking on the links to your right.

Father’s Day Contest Winners

Thank you to everyone who entered the First Time Dad contest! It was great to hear your questions and stories about first-time parenthood.

Congratulations to the contest winners!

Daily winners received an autographed copy of my new book First Time Dad:

Jerry
Angel
Paul
Lori
Timothy
Kayse
Shirley 

And now, announcing the grand prize winner: 

JORDAN

will receive a first-time dad tool belt, an autographed copy of First Time Dad, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, a Starbucks gift card, and a Ryrie ESV Bible.

And as you celebrate Father’s Day tomorrow, I want to encourage you with some favorite verses:

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon. 

“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

God bless!

Dads and Work

(And in honor of the upcoming holiday on Sunday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?

My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.

“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”

I was stunned by the revelation. I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and to be available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.

For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin building their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to home. All too often, work wins out.

What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? Famed Christian scholar C.S. Lewis offered this insight:

Men tell not only their wives but themselves that it is a hardship to stay late at the office or the school on some bit of important extra work. But it is not quite true. It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, “Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow” … A terrible bore … Ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons, but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.

There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids, but a fear of being deemed insignificant is, sadly, very high on the list.

A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.

Fatherhood, on the other hand, rarely offers measurable results or clear indicators of success, and the payoff for all that effort may not come for many years. 

So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task. The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.

Listen to John Fuller talk more about being a dad on Part 1 and Part 2 of the broadcast titled “New Dads: Embracing the Journey Ahead.”

This article first appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was originally titled “Tug-of-Work.” Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com

Truett Cathy

As we approach Father’s Day, I wanted to spotlight a man who works hard to build boys. (And in honor of the upcoming holiday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

Truett Cathy is probably best known for his Chick-fil-A restaurants, and while I really like the food he helped make popular, I’m most appreciative of the work he does to help boys who face the prospect of growing up without a father.

Mr. Cathy has been mentoring youngsters for more than sixty years. He runs a camp and foster-care program designed to help give children of broken homes a second chance at life. It’s an inspiring effort! Boys are matched with mentors and father figures, and some are even placed in full-time Christian foster homes.

Many are given the opportunity to work side by side with Mr. Cathy on a beautiful farm in the rolling hills of Rome, Georgia. (Here’s a link to his WinShape Homes)

Truett Cathy is more than a nice guy with business savvy. He knows how boys think. Most important, he knows what they need: a father, or—at the very least—a strong male role model.

Mr. Cathy travels the country with a simple but strong message: You can make a difference! It’s better to build boys than to have to mend men.

If you’re a man just embarking on the fatherhood journey, I hope you’ll recognize the tremendous responsibility – and privilege – ahead. You’re preparing to build your son or daughter, a monumental task given today’s prevailing forces. But you CAN make a huge difference in that child’s life.

As we approach Father’s Day, grab onto the role God has entrusted you with, and give it your best. You work hard for your paycheck. You strive to win on the soccer field. You are a perfectionist when it comes to detailing your car. The child you have is far more important than any of those (temporal) things…and deserves everything you’ve got.

By the way, even if you don’t have children, or yours are grown and gone, consider being a mentor to a boy. I have some co-workers who are involved in Big Brothers, and they love it. Friends like Joe White are all about speaking into the lives of young men and calling them to a deeper faith (read about CrossBow here).

The bottom line: the next generation wants, yearns for, and needs us. We’d do well to follow Truett Cathy’s wonderful dedication to build into the lives of boys – and girls.

Father’s Day Contest

Perhaps the most powerful influence in the world is that of a dad on his child. Not only did I have a father who modeled in word and deed what it meant to be a good dad, but I have the awesome privilege of being a dad of six children along with my wife, Dena. Next week, Sunday, June 19th, is Father’s Day.

 And so, to celebrate, I have teamed up with my publisher, Moody Publishers, to give away some great prizes over the week leading up to Father’s Day!

Daily winners will receive:

One grand prize winner will receive this prize package:

 

Enter to Win:

Enter to win by leaving the answer to the ONE of the following questions in the comment section of this blog post:

1)      What is one of your favorite first time dad stories?
2)      What is some of the best first time dad advice you’ve received?
3)      What is one question all first time dads ask?

Get Extra Entries by: 

1. Tweeting the following about this contest (must include the website link):
Enter to win a First Time Dad prize package! http://johnfullerblog.com

2. Join John Fuller on his Facebook fan page
Become a fan by clicking on the “Like” button. If you are already a fan, use the “Share” link on John’s page to post it to your wall.

 You must leave an additional comment on this blog post letting me know you did any of the above to receive the extra entries.

Deadlines & Winners

FAQs

Can I enter if I am not a first-time dad?
Yes, anyone can enter. Perhaps you want to win the contest to give the information to your husband or to friends who are expectant parents.

Why isn’t my comment on the blog showing up?
Please note that all comments must be approved by the moderator before they appear on the blog. It may take a few hours for your comment to appear, but all contest entry comments will be counted.

*This contest is in no way sponsored, endorsed, or administered by, or associated with daddytoolbelts.com, Starbucks, or Facebook. The tool belt and gift card were purchased by Moody Publishers for this contest.

Prizes unclaimed after 10 business days subject to forfeiture.

God bless!

New Parents: Hamster Food?

Many years ago a “new parent suggestion” booklet was given to us. It featured timeless advice from college students for the expectant mom and dad, as uniquely expressed as I’ve ever seen. Samples:

While most of the above advice is tongue-in-cheek, that last point is obviously a keeper.

Why not take the suggestion to hug your child – today, several times – and say, “I love you.” It’ll take only a moment, but I promise the positive effects will linger a long, long time.

By the way, if you need additional encouragement as a new father, I hope you’ll download the free chapter from my book, and other free resources, from the links at your right.

Running The (Special Needs) Race

In God’s wisdom He thought it would be good for me to run a couple of marathons. That’s all I can conclude. Let me explain by way of a personal illustration.

Almost 15 years ago I took on a challenge of immense proportions: to run a marathon. Coaxed on by a friend, I finally decided that I could do it, I could learn to run more than 26 miles in a stretch! After a rigorous training schedule, I put my feet to the test, and ran the Steamboat Springs Marathon.

I was absolutely exhausted by the end. In fact, a co-worker who was there – and finished well before me – snapped a photograph of me as I crossed the finish line. About that picture, someone observed about, “You don’t look so good.”

Of course I didn’t look so good – I had just spent more than three and a half hours running my legs off!

The next year I ran the Chicago Marathon. Once again, it wasn’t a pretty ending. Dragging myself across the finish line, I declined the offer for food and drink, preferring instead to lay down on a stack of discarded boxes. A race worker approached me and with good intentions asked if I was okay?

“I’m alright,” I wheezed as I closed my eyes and caught my breath.

Those were good days, although hard. I’m grateful for my friend’s urging. Not many people get to run distance races. I’m also glad for my wife’s patience as I trained, because sometimes I went out for a three-hour run on Saturday mornings. She would have preferred I stayed home!

Today my knees creak and squeak, and I’ve given up running for exercise that is easier on the joints. Still, I’ve reflected often on lessons  learned as I trained and ran.

Among those lessons was this little nugget: A steady pace can help me finish even a long distance run. It is all about pacing.  Start off too fast, and you’re likely to burn out halfway through, or even before.

That’s a principle I need to keep in mind as we parent a child with special needs. Pace. Keep the end in mind. Persevere through the pain and press on toward the end.

I’ve needed that principle for the past six years now, since we first learned our youngest son has autism. Our first reaction was numbness, then we sprung into action. The pace since then has been rather relentless. The many on-going therapies, medical visits, special trips to bring home a troubled child, social outbursts, strains on our other children, expenditures, insurance calls, piles of paperwork, explanations (apologies, really) to other parents…have left us tired. In fact, to this point the race has drained us, particularly emotionally, although we have not given up.

Along this journey we’ve seen God’s remarkable, sustaining presence and power. He has touched our boy in some significant ways, and there has been tremendous progress on all fronts.

In this “race” God has used Zane to pull us to Himself, to show us His grace, to say things I would not have otherwise heard.

And so we’ll continue on in this parenting journey, step by step, mile after mile. We’ll keep at it with our eyes on the finish line, endeavoring to help our son grow and gain the tools he needs to thrive.

So: pace. We’ll do our best to maintain a steady pace as we run, so we can go the distance. A steady pace that keeps the legs moving, keeps the face forward, keeps the goal in mind.

It hasn’t been easy, this “special needs race.”  It has taken everything we’ve got. We’ve gone further down this path than we could have ever envisioned. We’ve been stretched beyond anything we thought possible. And through it all, God has been close. He’s been the One we’ve leaned upon, and Who has provided the needed grace.

I suspect one day we’ll push past the finish line and collapse in a heap, exhausted totally out of breath. And it’ll be worth every bit of the effort, focus, discipline, sweat and even the pain.

I also suspect Zane would agree.

Advice For Expectant Parents

I caught our third child. And I’m not saying I caught her doing something. I literally caught her.

On a recent Focus on the Family radio program we shared an audio clip of the “911″ call I made moments after “delivering” our daughter Allie at home, unexpectedly. What a moment! It was one of the most profound, moving experiences of my life. I can hardly go back in time to that wonderful day without tearing up!

In case you missed it, here’s the highlight clip: 911 call re: Allie Fuller

Even though Allie was our third child, there were some things about parenting – especially related to raising a girl – that I wish I had known at the time. A third child changes everything, and when you are used to having a couple of rambunctious boys, a girl can be an especially (and wonderful!) catalyst for change.

Let me share a few “thought starters” for the new (or expectant) parent. Consider your assumptions about how a baby will affect your life:

1.     What does being a mom or dad mean to you?

2.     Do you expect parenting to be easy or hard? Why?

3.     How would you describe one (or more!) of the biggest challenges you’re facing about being a first time dad or mom?

4.     Overall, how do you think you’ll do as a new parent?

It is important to think through these questions, and to consider what you’re really expecting – when you’re expecting. Big changes are coming, and you CAN do this parenting thing well. You just need to be prepared to learn as you go, to be open to God’s leading, to find joy in the journey. It is a wonderful privilege to shepherd a child through those early days…all the way to adulthood.

Over the weekend we celebrated Allie’s 17th birthday. It’s really hard to believe she is a lovely young lady who can drive, care for the household and express a desire to serve God and know Him better. While at times the parenting process seemed slow, let the 911 call above remind you that things get moving pretty fast, and that your role as a mom or dad will transition all-too-quickly to coach/mentor/friend.

Choose The Good Path

In Colorado, where our family makes its home, there are fifty-four “14ers” (mountains 14,000 feet or higher). Some outdoor enthusiasts make it a goal to climb all fifty-four.

I recently heard about one man who was climbing Mount Princeton with his son. As they neared the summit and the father scanned the trail, the boy shouted out from behind, “Choose the good path, Dad; I’m coming right behind you!”

That little fellow was instinctively reminding his dad to live the words of Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV).

I won’t go deeply into the principles in this proverb, but I do want to note that it is just that – a principle. The verse isn’t a promise that “if you do just such and such, your child will turn out just fine and you won’t have any troubles.” As “wisdom literature,” there is a take-away nugget of truth, not a guarantee.

No parent can be certain their child will make good choices throughout life. But every parent can pray and hope that what we pass along to that child will, at the least, one day make sense and become a heartfelt conviction to them.

For the Christian parent, isn’t that the whole point of our effort to raise our kids? To train them to walk with God?

The truth is that you and I are leading our kids up a mountain. The journey is a walk of devotion to our God, and we have to personally choose the ‘good path” — because those children are right behind, following closely at our feet.

What path are you choosing today?

How The Baby Can Affect Your Marriage

Intuitively, most new parents understand that everything changes when their first baby arrives. But there’s an interesting emotional reaction that takes place, and it reflects both mental and physical processing differences between men and women.

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal,

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child, according to data from the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle..Conflict increases and, with little time for adult conversation and sex, emotional distance can develop.

The research indicates that mothers’ satisfaction in their marriages plummets immediately; for men, the slide is delayed a few months.

This is both interesting to me, and also affirming of my own observations of new parents. It seems pretty common for women to feel at least a bit unhappy after delivering a child – hormones have been deeply affected, there is a dramatic weight change, sleep deprivation occurs, and there is the uncertainty of just how to do this “Mom thing” well.

Contrast that with men, who often feel sidelined by all the attention – by his wife and by others in their lives – on the baby. His wife is less available to him, emotionally and physically, and his level of involvement with that new little one is rather limited. It takes a while for all this to accumulate and impact him. One day, however, he awakens to find himself feeling detached and at least a little unsatisfied with the relationship.

I tried to address this in my new book, First Time Dad. In fact, I’ve devoted three chapters to this very subject, with two specifically offering ideas for how a new dad can love his wife during this time of transition. Here is a thought about our own experiences after our first child was born.

We had been married almost four years when three simple words, “It’s a boy!” changed our lives. Overnight, our date nights were history—at least that’s how I felt at the time. As new parents, we were overwhelmed, exhausted, and insecure. We kept waiting for life to return to normal, but it never did.

Our ultimate romantic fantasy was eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m not kidding.

Looking back, beyond deep – deep! – joy in having a son and the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with this new life, it was an exhausting, exhilarating, stressful time for both of us as individuals and as a couple.  We had to wrestle through some things and there were many bumps along the way.

Having “been there” and survived, one of the most helpful things I can recommend to new dads is this:

Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have young kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.

I’ll offer another piece of advice if you are struggling making the adjustment to being new parents:

Find a trusted pastor or counselor with whom you can talk things through.

If you don’t have someone like that in your life, call 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with a Focus counselor. They can have an initial conversation with you, and even make a reference for someone in your area to help you successfully navigate these trying – but rich and rewarding – days.

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