Running The (Special Needs) Race

In God’s wisdom He thought it would be good for me to run a couple of marathons. That’s all I can conclude. Let me explain by way of a personal illustration.

Almost 15 years ago I took on a challenge of immense proportions: to run a marathon. Coaxed on by a friend, I finally decided that I could do it, I could learn to run more than 26 miles in a stretch! After a rigorous training schedule, I put my feet to the test, and ran the Steamboat Springs Marathon.

I was absolutely exhausted by the end. In fact, a co-worker who was there – and finished well before me – snapped a photograph of me as I crossed the finish line. About that picture, someone observed about, “You don’t look so good.”

Of course I didn’t look so good – I had just spent more than three and a half hours running my legs off!

The next year I ran the Chicago Marathon. Once again, it wasn’t a pretty ending. Dragging myself across the finish line, I declined the offer for food and drink, preferring instead to lay down on a stack of discarded boxes. A race worker approached me and with good intentions asked if I was okay?

“I’m alright,” I wheezed as I closed my eyes and caught my breath.

Those were good days, although hard. I’m grateful for my friend’s urging. Not many people get to run distance races. I’m also glad for my wife’s patience as I trained, because sometimes I went out for a three-hour run on Saturday mornings. She would have preferred I stayed home!

Today my knees creak and squeak, and I’ve given up running for exercise that is easier on the joints. Still, I’ve reflected often on lessons  learned as I trained and ran.

Among those lessons was this little nugget: A steady pace can help me finish even a long distance run. It is all about pacing.  Start off too fast, and you’re likely to burn out halfway through, or even before.

That’s a principle I need to keep in mind as we parent a child with special needs. Pace. Keep the end in mind. Persevere through the pain and press on toward the end.

I’ve needed that principle for the past six years now, since we first learned our youngest son has autism. Our first reaction was numbness, then we sprung into action. The pace since then has been rather relentless. The many on-going therapies, medical visits, special trips to bring home a troubled child, social outbursts, strains on our other children, expenditures, insurance calls, piles of paperwork, explanations (apologies, really) to other parents…have left us tired. In fact, to this point the race has drained us, particularly emotionally, although we have not given up.

Along this journey we’ve seen God’s remarkable, sustaining presence and power. He has touched our boy in some significant ways, and there has been tremendous progress on all fronts.

In this “race” God has used Zane to pull us to Himself, to show us His grace, to say things I would not have otherwise heard.

And so we’ll continue on in this parenting journey, step by step, mile after mile. We’ll keep at it with our eyes on the finish line, endeavoring to help our son grow and gain the tools he needs to thrive.

So: pace. We’ll do our best to maintain a steady pace as we run, so we can go the distance. A steady pace that keeps the legs moving, keeps the face forward, keeps the goal in mind.

It hasn’t been easy, this “special needs race.”  It has taken everything we’ve got. We’ve gone further down this path than we could have ever envisioned. We’ve been stretched beyond anything we thought possible. And through it all, God has been close. He’s been the One we’ve leaned upon, and Who has provided the needed grace.

I suspect one day we’ll push past the finish line and collapse in a heap, exhausted totally out of breath. And it’ll be worth every bit of the effort, focus, discipline, sweat and even the pain.

I also suspect Zane would agree.

Advice For Expectant Parents

I caught our third child. And I’m not saying I caught her doing something. I literally caught her.

On a recent Focus on the Family radio program we shared an audio clip of the “911″ call I made moments after “delivering” our daughter Allie at home, unexpectedly. What a moment! It was one of the most profound, moving experiences of my life. I can hardly go back in time to that wonderful day without tearing up!

In case you missed it, here’s the highlight clip: 911 call re: Allie Fuller

Even though Allie was our third child, there were some things about parenting – especially related to raising a girl – that I wish I had known at the time. A third child changes everything, and when you are used to having a couple of rambunctious boys, a girl can be an especially (and wonderful!) catalyst for change.

Let me share a few “thought starters” for the new (or expectant) parent. Consider your assumptions about how a baby will affect your life:

1.     What does being a mom or dad mean to you?

2.     Do you expect parenting to be easy or hard? Why?

3.     How would you describe one (or more!) of the biggest challenges you’re facing about being a first time dad or mom?

4.     Overall, how do you think you’ll do as a new parent?

It is important to think through these questions, and to consider what you’re really expecting – when you’re expecting. Big changes are coming, and you CAN do this parenting thing well. You just need to be prepared to learn as you go, to be open to God’s leading, to find joy in the journey. It is a wonderful privilege to shepherd a child through those early days…all the way to adulthood.

Over the weekend we celebrated Allie’s 17th birthday. It’s really hard to believe she is a lovely young lady who can drive, care for the household and express a desire to serve God and know Him better. While at times the parenting process seemed slow, let the 911 call above remind you that things get moving pretty fast, and that your role as a mom or dad will transition all-too-quickly to coach/mentor/friend.

Choose The Good Path

In Colorado, where our family makes its home, there are fifty-four “14ers” (mountains 14,000 feet or higher). Some outdoor enthusiasts make it a goal to climb all fifty-four.

I recently heard about one man who was climbing Mount Princeton with his son. As they neared the summit and the father scanned the trail, the boy shouted out from behind, “Choose the good path, Dad; I’m coming right behind you!”

That little fellow was instinctively reminding his dad to live the words of Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV).

I won’t go deeply into the principles in this proverb, but I do want to note that it is just that – a principle. The verse isn’t a promise that “if you do just such and such, your child will turn out just fine and you won’t have any troubles.” As “wisdom literature,” there is a take-away nugget of truth, not a guarantee.

No parent can be certain their child will make good choices throughout life. But every parent can pray and hope that what we pass along to that child will, at the least, one day make sense and become a heartfelt conviction to them.

For the Christian parent, isn’t that the whole point of our effort to raise our kids? To train them to walk with God?

The truth is that you and I are leading our kids up a mountain. The journey is a walk of devotion to our God, and we have to personally choose the ‘good path” — because those children are right behind, following closely at our feet.

What path are you choosing today?

How The Baby Can Affect Your Marriage

Intuitively, most new parents understand that everything changes when their first baby arrives. But there’s an interesting emotional reaction that takes place, and it reflects both mental and physical processing differences between men and women.

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal,

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child, according to data from the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle..Conflict increases and, with little time for adult conversation and sex, emotional distance can develop.

The research indicates that mothers’ satisfaction in their marriages plummets immediately; for men, the slide is delayed a few months.

This is both interesting to me, and also affirming of my own observations of new parents. It seems pretty common for women to feel at least a bit unhappy after delivering a child – hormones have been deeply affected, there is a dramatic weight change, sleep deprivation occurs, and there is the uncertainty of just how to do this “Mom thing” well.

Contrast that with men, who often feel sidelined by all the attention – by his wife and by others in their lives – on the baby. His wife is less available to him, emotionally and physically, and his level of involvement with that new little one is rather limited. It takes a while for all this to accumulate and impact him. One day, however, he awakens to find himself feeling detached and at least a little unsatisfied with the relationship.

I tried to address this in my new book, First Time Dad. In fact, I’ve devoted three chapters to this very subject, with two specifically offering ideas for how a new dad can love his wife during this time of transition. Here is a thought about our own experiences after our first child was born.

We had been married almost four years when three simple words, “It’s a boy!” changed our lives. Overnight, our date nights were history—at least that’s how I felt at the time. As new parents, we were overwhelmed, exhausted, and insecure. We kept waiting for life to return to normal, but it never did.

Our ultimate romantic fantasy was eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m not kidding.

Looking back, beyond deep – deep! – joy in having a son and the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with this new life, it was an exhausting, exhilarating, stressful time for both of us as individuals and as a couple.  We had to wrestle through some things and there were many bumps along the way.

Having “been there” and survived, one of the most helpful things I can recommend to new dads is this:

Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have young kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.

I’ll offer another piece of advice if you are struggling making the adjustment to being new parents:

Find a trusted pastor or counselor with whom you can talk things through.

If you don’t have someone like that in your life, call 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with a Focus counselor. They can have an initial conversation with you, and even make a reference for someone in your area to help you successfully navigate these trying – but rich and rewarding – days.

Five Things To Get Ready For Parenthood

If you’ve got a few months – or less! – before the arrival of your first child, how can you possibly get ready for your new role as a dad or mom? Here are five ideas to consider:

1. Engage with quality books and videos about parenting. There are dozens and dozens of good resources from well-regarded experts. I’ve referred to many of my favorite books and videos throughout my own book, First-Time Dad. Take advantage now of the seasoned, wise advice of others. Very soon you’ll be too busy to read, listen and watch as much as you might want.

John holding his young son, Zane, as they left Vladivostok, Russia for the long journey home.

2. Spend time with experienced parents. Watch them. Watch their kids. Make mental notes. Write things down. Launch conversations from their experiences with their kids. Find a mentor couple to walk you through the coming days, someone to offer experienced perspectives to help you as a new parent.

3. Discuss with your spouse your hopes, fears, and expectations about being a new parent. Talk about your pasts. Address your expectations about how you will approach this monumental task. Make sure that, where you have differences, you’ve talked those through and come to a shared understanding of areas of common ground you can agree on.

4. Pray about your new parental responsibilities. Ask God to help you be the parent your child needs, and to supply what you lack.

5. Journal about the road ahead. Gals: You know what I mean. Guys: This is something a lot of men struggle with, as such thinking can lead to . . . feelings. And many men run from emotions. But consider taking the time, even if you are very busy, to think things through to deep levels—and to record those reflections on your computer or in a journal. It can help to express your thoughts and feelings— in real time, as you encounter various situations.

Learn more about parenting here. And if you’re a new dad, give our radio program about my book a listen here or get the free sample chapter as a download here.

Dad, Remember The Days

I recently had the privilege of being a guest on the Focus on the Family radio program, talking about my book, First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need To Know. In the book I’ve tried to offer new fathers an optimistic, and realistic, look at expectations about parenting.

As I’ve reflected on my fatherhood journey, there are many wonderful memories. I was asked to pull together some photographs capturing a few of my favorite moments. Here are just a few…I’ve got so many times with our kids etched upon my mind. And if you stop by, lots of them are posted on my office wall, too!

Looking back over the years, wondering how in the world our  two oldest boys are are now adults out in the workforce, I can only say. “Dad, remember the days. Drink them in…because they go by mighty quickly. Maximize the times you spend with those kids God has blessed you with, and make it your goal to become their best friend.”

Now, someone grab a tissue for me?

A proud first time dad! Here’s John with Dakota, in 1990. Time has sped by quickly - he graduates from college next month!

In 1991 John and Dena welcomed Seth into the family. What a fine young man!

Wonderful memories of fishing at Rainbow Falls with the boys in celebration of Seth’s 4th birthday. These moments don’t just happen – it takes some work and planning to make special times happen.

Our kids have always enjoyed the water. And we’ve had lots of trips to various campgrounds. Here are the three oldest “cooling their heels” in Jenny Lake, Teton National Park in 1995. One of my favorite pictures!

Advice For New Parents: Ice Cream

At the time we were expecting our first child, Dena and I were volunteering with the college group at church. The “kids” threw a baby shower for us, and a cherished gift, which I still have, was a small notebook with suggestions for being good parents. It has some priceless perspectives for new parents!

Over the next weeks I’ll share some of the golden nuggets of advice from these scholars. Here’s the first installment.

My advice to you is to make sure you feed your new baby ice cream whenever the opportunity arises.

“Why,” you might ask? Well, when I was little my mother would treat my brother, sister and me to Dairy Queen after our Saturday morning swim lessons. The problem was that I was too young at the time to realize that my mom only ordered an empty cone for me – no ice cream! As I matured, I finally realized what I was missing, and boy did I get angry! I’m not sure I can ever forgive my mother for that.

So if you think your baby will never know — beware! One day he will find out. He will grow up wondering what else he missed out on.

‘Tis better to have a fat baby than a bitter baby.

Let your baby indulge in ice cream!

It took many years, but I think Dena and I are starting to see the wisdom in this advice. In fact, we just had ice cream yesterday. Trying to make up for lost time…

Dad, Grab The Moment

Alright Dad (and Mom, too!), here’s a little challenge for you. It isn’t hard, it won’t require a lot from you…but it’ll be worthwhile, I promise.

Today, and in the next few days, let me encourage you to do one thing that’ll make a difference in your child’s life: Pay attention to – and grab – the moment.

Here’s an example. Last night, my 12 year-old daughter, Tauvi, asked to play a bit on the computer. I told her yes, for a short while – but then I wanted to play a card or board game with her. She was good with that, and shortly we gathered at the dining room table for a card game. We enjoyed 25 minutes or so together, just the two of us. I made little comments, she made little jokes. I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything, really. There wasn’t a big agenda. I didn’t bring up anything serious. We just spent time together. It didn’t cost anything, and it wasn’t difficult to do this. All I had to do was pay attention to the moment. The payoff was great: I had almost half an hour of uninterrupted time with my girl. Priceless!

Another example. This happened today, actually. Earlier this morning I thought of my 9th grade daughter, Saige,and how it’d be fun to surprise her with lunch. I quickly calculated the time and expense, and decided it was worth the effort. So I hopped into the car, drove to the school and took her  to a nearby place for a bite to eat. It was less than $5 and an hour of my time, but the unexpected nature of our visit allowed things to be casual and relaxed. Just the environment for us to unwind and have some special time together. Another rather easy thing to do, this didn’t require pre-planning, or big expense. All that was really needed was for me to pay attention to and grab the moment.

By the way, as we drove back to school, Saige said something that pointed out how important taking advantage of “moments” can be.

“Just before you came, Dad, I was thinking about you. There’s something special about a daddy-daughter relationship, isn’t there?”

Wow. As I drove, I fought the urge to tear up.I could have lost it right there! And my heart welled up in gratitude to God. Saige got it! She knows that I love her – and that I like her. In this simple act she was reminded that I enjoy being with her. There’s something powerful in that knowledge, particularly for a teenager. When you show, through your actions, that you have time for your child, you’re giving a wonderful gift. And you’ll get something out of that investment, now and perhaps later, as well.

I’m so glad that I listened to that inner voice to engage with my kids, that I saw – and that I was able to grab onto – the  moment.

So, from one dad to another, let me encourage you to have your eyes open to the moments God gives you with your children, and to do something – almost anything, really – with your child. Spend some time together.

Make the moments count.

(By the way, I share similar stories and perspectives in my new book, First Time Dad, which comes out next month. Links to pre-order and some free related materials are over on the right sidebar of this blog…)

Help and Hope For Adoptive Families

I’ve shared before about our youngest child, adopted from Russia when he was just nine months old. We’re approaching the seventh anniversary of his “gotcha date,” and we’re so glad Zane is part of our family. The journey hasn’t exactly been easy, however. Most adoptive families struggle with something…from emotional complexities to learning difficulties to physical challenges. We seem to be dealing with every one of those concerns. Fortunately, we have found many helpful resources and experts along the way.

At a banquet a few months ago for a ministry that helps orphans, I sat near a dynamic woman with a huge heart for orphans and adopted children. She is enthusiastic, energetic, and insightful! And she’s our guest on this Focus on the Family radio program. Debi Grebenik offers encouragement and guidance that every adoptive parent should hear. Debi will help you better empathize with the unique difficulties your child is experiencing, allowing him or her – and your entire family – to thrive.

There’s also a book about adoption worth noting. Several friends contributed chapters to Handbook on Thriving As an Adoptive Family: Real-Life Solutions to Common Challenges. It is an excellent read, with multiple aspects of adoption addressed with firsthand insight.

Related, if you have a heart for orphans and adopted kids, there’s a terrific event you need to know about sponsored by my friends at Christian Alliance For Orphans. This annual conference has become a national hub for Christians committed to adoption, foster care and global orphan initiatives rooted in the local church. This year it is May 12-13 at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, KY. With more than 75 workshops & unforgettable speakers and music, you’ll find passionate, caring folks and lots of great advice. I highly recommend Summit!

How’d You Sleep Last Night?

This morning it was the usual question. I don’t know when she started asking it, but suspect that I started the tradition. Almost every morning my daughter asks, “How’d you sleep last night, Dad?”

Thinking back over the years, sleep has been elusive. Our first child didn’t sleep through the night until he was 18 months. “Ugh,” was all we could think most mornings. Our second didn’t sleep much better. We spent those early years as parents bleary eyed and craving caffeine. By our third and subsequent kids, though, we’d learned how to encourage the babies to sleep through an entire night by the time they were only six or seven weeks old.

Maybe you can relate? If your sleep is interrupted because of a newborn, your life is suffering a bit. You aren’t performing optimally at work or at home. And I’d guess that your marriage is strained – at least a little. Allow some advice?

I’ve written a book for new fathers, called First Time Dad. It’ll be available May 1 (see the side bar to your right for info and some free downloads). In a chapter about how babies can affect a marriage, I shared some tips from David and Claudia Arp. They’re are counselors who have written about having a good marriage—in spite of having a baby. Their experience is universal. Most new parents feel like they’ve been blindsided by their baby. David and Claudia have boiled down advice for new parents to seven healthy habits. Take a look and see how you’re doing.

1. Be deliberate in sharing responsibilities: Every family is different, but it’s important to make sure one parent, usually the mother, is not the new baby’s sole caretaker. If she is bearing the brunt of it, a wise man offers to shop, cook, and clean around the house.

2. Develop healthy sleep habits: Without proper rest, parents grow edgy and irritable. They don’t think clearly. Try to establish a routine that will allow each parent to get some uninterrupted rest. Granted the first few weeks will be tough, but things should soon even out.

3. Find time for each other: One of my biggest mistakes was assuming I was done with dating my wife. Ironically, there
is probably no better time to be deliberate about dating your spouse than after a new baby arrives. Plan ahead. Get a babysitter, even if it’s for an hour’s walk around the neighborhood.

4. Talk and listen effectively: This advice applies to any married couple, but it’s especially important when Junior arrives. Don’t assume your spouse can read your mind, and don’t assume you can do the same. Ask questions—and listen to her answers!

5. Make your love life a priority: Romance didn’t rank high on my list those first weeks with a new baby—and you can be sure my wife was interested even less. But it’s important to carve out time. Be creative and spontaneous. Perhaps a friend can watch the baby at their house—and instead of going out, the two of you can stay in.

6. Grow together spiritually: It’s easy to let Scripture study and prayer time together slide when you’re exhausted and trying to find your way as a new father. But as with dating, this is a time when you need the Lord’s wisdom most. Even if you read only a passage or two, keep reading your Bible. Pray simple prayers together. Pray for each other—and pray for this wonderful new life!

7. Nurture your relationship: Do you remember why you fell in love with your spouse? Maybe it’s time to write her a letter and remind her. (Perhaps you’ll benefit from the recollection too.) Don’t forget that it’s often the little things, like bringing her coffee in bed or bringing home flowers for no reason, that make the biggest impression.

So, how’d YOU sleep last night?

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