Special Needs, Special Challenges

In recent weeks, the Focus on the Family radio program has featured several stories about special needs children. I have been moved to tears at several points in those conversations, feeling the pain and identifying with the many challenges of parenting a child with physical, cognitive, and/or emotional difficulties.

Our son has been a wonderful blessing to our family, and I cannot imagine life without his presence in our home. Yet, there are days when we wonder how in the world we will keep on going…exhausted, feeling alone, being unable to give him - and our other children - what is really needed.

If you have tough times as a parent of a special needs child, check out this helpful article. It isn’t overly new or exceptionally insightful, but the encouragement you’ll receive from this piece will surely boost your spirits today.

Friday Five: Five Unique Kids

Dena and I are fortunate to have five wonderful children still living at home. While Big Brother is off at college,  the remaining siblings carry on with various family traditions and keeping things, er, interesting. Here is one observation about each of those five:

Seth is tall, really tall, and enjoying his friends, basketball, and schoolwork (in that order, too).

Allie is tall, too, and is gifted with an artistic sensibility and flair; a natural “drama queen.”

Saige is exceptionally bright and articulate. Good with words and numbers, she is also a gifted “drama queen.”

Tauvi is wonderfully content, very flexible and accepting, and an eager student of nature. She is also a natural “drama queen.”

Zane is  determined and a very good little problem solver (although I don’t always appreciate his solutions to problems!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, despite the many positive traits they have, my kids are very (very!) normal children, with the same issues and challenges as most other kids I’ve met. The four oldest have trusted in Christ and are growing spiritually, and in my book, that is the most important part of their lives - and the most significant thing to know about them.
While we are pretty tired parents, we’re grateful to God for each child He has given.

Dads Of Larger Families

Talking recently to a co-worker who has seven children, I became aware of how tiring it can be to parent a larger family. Sometimes it feels like a merry-go-round, or a carnival ride that just keeps going in circles…and I can’t get off!

I am pretty familiar first-hand with the difficulties in balancing time between work and my family relationships. How can I find the moments to meaningfully connect with first my wife and then each of my children? This is a responsibility I take seriously. I believe God has called me to be my family’s loving leader and I am increasingly aware of the long-term impact of my parenting. It is a struggle for me which requires continual evaluation, reflection, prayer, thought and action.  Life is full, I am busy, and humanly speaking, I can’t pull this thing off. God, help me do this well!

Anyway, just had a quick conversation with a co-worker, Mike, who has a very daunting task. He has a larger family, and the financial strain he deals with is significant.

Mike is working full time at the office. To supplement the family’s income, he delivers newspapers every day. That requires him to rise very early each morning. And now with tax season approaching, he will soon be spending increasing hours preparing taxes for others. Three jobs!

As he described his schedule, I realized that however pulled in many directions I am feeling, Mike is stretched far more. While I may be tired, he is exhausted. I am blessed to have but one job, and we are able to make it on that income, but Mike works three different jobs to provide for his family’s needs.

“How do you find time to be with your family?” I asked. Well, he said, he has Sundays off, and a couple of evenings are free.

I queried, “I have a difficult time engaging with and leading my family. How do YOU do it?” Mike looked at me, smiled weakly, and said he tries as best he can.

After that conversation, I thanked God for my own situation, and with a conviction that I have little room to complain about being short on time and tired! I can only hope that I will be the husband and daddy my wife and kids need.

So my prayer is that I’ll have the energy and wisdom to engage my family, interact with them, and lead well. Let me go home tonight and provide the emotional support with strength, guide the table talk with purpose, and demonstrate love in meaningful ways to each member of my family. Guess I’d better start making that transition, from “Mr. Office” to “Mr. Husband and Dad” as I drive home this evening.

To other Dads, what about you? If you have several children, how do you balance your time? How do you meet all the needs?  Do you have any balance in life?

Johnny Stallings

What a remarkable young man, with thousands of friends across the country. You may have seen him on television, on the sidelines with his dad, Coach Gene Stallings. Every dad should hear what Coach said about his son. Be sure to watch a slideshow about Johnny that’ll bring a tear to your eye.

We’ve already received a lot of comments about this program. Did it touch you?

Dad’s Involvement Benefits Mental Development

Several studies have shown an association between the levels of a father’s involvement with his infant and that child’s development of cognitive competence. Engaging on a daily basis with your toddler, from playing with blocks to reading books, will help his brain power! In fact, these benefits can be seen in very young children.

Six-month-old babies score higher on tests of mental developments if their dads are involved in their lives.  The simple act of reading books to your child can enhance their literary skills.

Dad, it will pay for you to get involved with your child!

Practicing Silence, I

As a parent of six children, I experience quite a bit of conversation in my home. The talking, yelling, arguing, and (this is the good part) laughter seem unending. There are times when I wonder what quiet is really like, or if I will ever experience silence in the house before 11:30 p.m. There is simply little time of quiet in the home, but that is to be expected with a larger family.

I am grateful for our children and their desire to share about their lives with me. When I walk in through the front door, I’m glad they want to fill me on their day, on the news of the home, of whatever they are feeling. That is a rewarding exchange, and in listening I learn a lot about my kids. I also show them love when I truly listen.

Professionally, I am in the business of communication. I often joke that I get paid to talk for a living – and there is some truth to that! It is a wonderful thing, and I enjoy what I do. There is a danger in this line of work, though, and that is in talking too much.

At times I feel compelled to fill every empty moment in a conversation with talk, because, after all, I fancy myself a good talker! The problem is that too much of a good thing is bad. And in speaking too freely or frequently, I am in danger of making my own thoughts and ideas somehow become less meaningful.

Personally, I struggle at times with being fast and loose with my words. I tend to speak first and then think about what to say. This happens at work and in discussions with friends. Most frequently, though, I do this at home. I’ve got to change that habit!

This concept of using words well – and speaking less - is something I want my children to learn. Too often I fail at modeling this more “thoughtful” approach to conversation for them. More often than I care to admit here, I find myself apologizing to them - and to my dear wife - for saying things I shouldn’t have, or for using an improper tone as I speak, or for not listening better.

Parenting is hard, and this is probably one of the more difficult aspects of raising kids that I’ve dealt with. May the Lord help me “hold my tongue” with my family this week. More on this in a day or two.

A Child’s Prayer Gives Perspective

From a journal entry a while back, something other dads might relate to in some way…

~~~

It is now nearly 10 p.m. The day has been full, and the evening activities have been non-stop. Musings on a busy day…

I was tired from the wildness of my day at the office. So, as I retired to my castle, ready for some respite and quiet, I probably had some unreasonable expectations. It is foolish to expect any semblance of quiet when I come home to this beloved bunch. Can they possibly be any more expressive and dramatic - and loud?

Sensing chaos and desiring order,  I pull on the gloves and start to be the heavyweight champion of the dad-world. My wife is tired, and so am I, but I am up to the challenge! I will bring these kids into compliance, I will help them behave like little adults. I will prove the victor in getting some control of our – my – house and our – my – children.

Oh foolishness, indeed! I do not succeed in helping the kids calm down.  No, I instead lose control and become an Ogre (hear me roar), I’m Mr. Bad-Guy. I morph into Mr. “Don’t Break The Rules Or Else” man. And in the process I yell, I lose it, I say stupid things. Drat!

So now my wife is in bed, the children are drifting off and here am I thinking about what went wrong. The kids and I did “make up,” for which I am glad. That happened as we prayed. Those times together of petitioning God often serve as reminders that I love them, and that God is in control - even when Daddy isn’t.

Prayer is how I will survive and succeed as a parent. And one of my daughters had treasure of a prayer tonight. She was priceless in asking God to touch some sick relatives, to bring glory to Himself in the midst of the recent tragedies of the world, to help us know Him better. Beautiful prayer.  A reminder, perhaps, that we are making some progress, even when external behaviors don’t necessarily look encouraging?

As I think through the eve, I believe I can do better. I must bring my expectations and my words and attitudes into line with what God has for me. I can set a better tone. Not on my own., however!

Lord help me?  And thanks, God, for that child’s wonderful prayer tonight. Hear her heart cries for others, I pray. Amen.

Friday Webcast With Dr. Kevin Leman

Be sure to stop by Friday for a special webcast with parenting expert, Dr. Kevin Leman. Details here.

While you’re at it, listen in for a two-day conversation with Dr. Leman about the many advantages firstborns have in life. Really! Whether you are a first-born or have one, this is helpful insight from one of the foremost experts on birth order.

Rock Climbing

Zane is part of a “play group” which meets regularly. The kids learn to interact appropriately, playing games and being in different social settings. Their progress is tracked quantitatively. The therapists take the children on an occasional field trip, and recently the experience was indoor rock-climbing. Zane donned a helmet and braved the heights…to a point. After scaling about 12 feet up the wall, he declared, “I am tired, I want to get down.”

The progress these kids make under this kind of program is pretty encouraging, and for parents with a child who has autism, I highly recommend a similar approach, if possible.

Dad And Son Hang On For Life

This story is sure to bring some tears to every parent.  Grab a tissue!

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