Not Yet

The junk mail started arriving about two years ago. I promptly threw it out, without even opening it. I’m not sorry. In fact, I’m offended. And yet, it still comes monthly.

For context: It was only a few years ago that I decided that I’m now qualified as a “middle aged” man. Yes, I “decided.”

If you think about it, there’s really no commonly accepted definition of just when “middle age” begins for a person. Is it in your 40s? Maybe. 50s? Probably not, at least for most folks…because that’s when the dreaded, offensive junk mail starts coming.

Unable to find a consensus on how to define middle aged, I determined that I was about there, as I had a child in college. That seemed reasonable, and I’ve since told many friends that, with that family marker achieved, they’d arrived at “middle aged.”

Any way, as I had really just started to settle into “middle age” only a few years ago, it was really hard to start receiving solicitations to join the AARP. I mean, really. I’ve only just begun the middle years, did they have to start pushing me toward “senior” status? And the benefits of joining  – discounted hotel rooms, prescriptions and eye glasses…why, that’s hardly enough to entice me to enter my “golden years.” Then there’s the association’s agenda, which reflects values that are decidedly different than mine. That’s a huge reason I’ve never, ever join that august group.

So I’ll keep putting that mail from AARP into the recycle bin, and enjoy my middle aged years longer. A lot longer, like another 12 years…since our six year-old son will be home for at least another 10-12 years.

Okay, rant over.

Now, maybe you’re identifying with my plight, er, decision, to stay middle aged for a while. Maybe you can’t fathom being in this stage of life (just wait, it’ll happen all-too-quickly). Or perhaps you’ve entered a season of being an “empty nester” – no kids at home. Just the two of you. For those who are getting close to the empty nest, here’s an enjoyable Focus on the Family conversation with two knowledgeable ladies about the pros and cons of such a season, and solid advice about how to prepare for and make the time fulfilling and rewarding.

WIR, June 4, 2010

The week we’ve had some great Focus radio programming!

Marriage: Greg and Erin Smalley compared the early years of their marriage to the ancient Israelites’ experience in the book of Exodus — wandering through the wilderness and dreaming of the Promised Land. The Smalleys say it felt like they would never achieve the marriage of their dreams; that they were “stuck” in a seemingly endless cycle of unhealthy conflict.  What most couples do to stay in the wilderness:

“We stop doing the things that we should be doing. We start doing things that are probably unhealthy for our marriages, and all of a sudden, we feel stuck … and we don’t know what to do.”

The conversation with the Smalleys is here.

Parenting, Life and Faith: Art Linkletter’s book Kids Say the Darndest Things is one of the best-selling titles of all time, and his interviews with young children have entertained millions. Listen in as we pay tribute to the entertainment icon who passed away last week, with some great laughs as Linkletter shares more of the hilarious things kids said on his hit TV show House Party. The program takes a serious turn as Linkletter talks about his daughter’s suicide and describes how that tragic event helped take his life and personal ministry in a different direction. Through it all, he kept perspective:

“Living a happy, productive, long life calls for the ability to laugh at yourself a little … If you can laugh at the world and laugh at yourself, it [helps take] away the hurts.”

Meaning In Life: Monday we aired a message from Don Coble, who described his former life as a hardened military man who was addicted to work and alcoholism, and explained how he was transformed by God’s love and grace.

And we enjoy getting feedback from folks. With the summer movie season here, I thought you might find this recent comment by one friend of Focus on the Family particularly helpful:

“Thank you so much for your ministry at Plugged In.  My husband and I are very particular about what we let our four children see.  We have found that even though a movie may have a PG or PG-13 rating, many of these films may be just as unsuitable as R-rated ones.  Vice-versa, a (very) few R-rated movies, if seen with our guidance, may be more suitable than some PG or PG-13 works.  (These are films we would only see with our oldest child, and typically only those dealing with war).  We generally check with Plugged In before we see any movie, and that has served us well.  From a family who greatly appreciates what you are doing, please stay the course!  In an age where innocence is on the line every day, thank you for helping us fight the battle for the sake of Christ and our children.”

Thanks for allowing us to be part of your family!

Is There A Favorite Parent?

Until this morning, I’d always thought that kids go through seasons when they naturally tend to pick one of us parents instead of the other. Specifically, for the first several years my children have been “all Mommy, all the time.”  If I wanted to hold them, the answer was something like this: “No Daddy, but MOMMY can hold me.” I attributed such preferences to Dena’s natural nurturing personality. And it was okay.

As they’ve aged, my kids have made me the “go to” guy for a lot of things, and I know they like spending time with me.  So it has seemed reasonable to view such preferences as somewhat seasonal and related more to our giftings and strengths as parents.

I’ve not really thought much about these things, until I saw this rather provocative headline: “Are You The Favored Parent?” Author Ellen Weber Libby suggests there are many reasons that Moms and Dads actually seek out the “favored parent” status, and that such approaches to parenting might be more related to our own adult insecurities or emotional needs, and less to the preferences of children. She says,

“Why can it be so important for one parent to feel favored? …It is normal to want to be chosen or selected. Some parents are deliberate in the desires to be the favorite parent.”

Libby goes on to say that such intentional efforts to be “number one parent” could be tied to rejection we felt from our own parents, or from feelings of inadequacies within our marriage.

So ow I’m examining my own approach to parenting the six kids we’ve been blessed with, and to ask myself about the motives for my own behaviors. Not a bad thing…a little self-examination is usually helpful in sorting out those  underlying reasons for doing what I do.

What do you think? Are you a favored parent? Are you trying to be one?

Twitter: Yeah, We’re There

You may not know it, but Focus on the Family has a growing commitment to social media. For instance:

Followers of @MyFocusRadio will see who and what are being discussed on our daily Focus on the Family broadcast.

My personal Twitter account is @FullerJohn.

Focus’ President and CEO Jim Daly is @DalyFocus.

Our marriage department offers daily tips for strengthening your marriage on Twitter (@focusmarriage). Tweets include quotes for encouragement, reminders for your marriage and links back to Focus marriage resources.

Young married couples can get updates on new content by following @YoungMarried.

The Focus parenting department (@FocusParenting) offers weekday tips for discipline, passing your faith, protecting your kids and strengthening your family relationships on Twitter. Tweets include links back to parenting articles, questions & answers, audio, video and discussion threads.

@ThrivingFamily is our brand new, beautiful bi-monthly magazine.

New blog posts, articles and podcasts geared for young adults here: @BoundlessTeam.

Newly married couples can get updates on new content by following @YoungMarried.

@FocusLeadership is the feed for our semester-long program for college students, with daily tweets that include leadership quotes as well as what the FLI students are doing, from classroom topics and guest speakers to activities.

@TheTruthProject is also on Twitter.

Also on Twitter: @WaitNoMore, with events and information about caring for orphans.

If you like to keep up with policy news and issues, follow @CitizenLink and @DriveThruBlog.

If you live in or will be visiting Colorado Springs, follow @FocusBookstore to learn about sales, events, book signings and more!

Even Focus on the Family International Offices are on Twitter!

And if you prefer other social media platforms, around 35,000 people follow us on Facebook.

To learn more, see the links here.

WIR, April 16

This past week we enjoyed some great radio conversations:

In addition, our radio team was in Dallas, Texas earlier this week for some live radio. Here’s a slideshow of just some of the activities from that time. We’ll be doing this a number of times in the coming months, and you can see if we’re coming to your city here.

Protecting Your Marriage

Earlier this week we had a great conversation on Focus on the Family with author Jerry Jenkins. While I’ve personally appreciated a number of the 170 or so books he has written, the topic of conversation was his classic, Hedges. In it, Jerry offers some practical, common-sense ways a person can build hedges – protective barriers – to keep his marriage strong and solid. While his ideas might seem “prudish,” as Jerry describes them, I’ve got to say I’ve found his suggestions invaluable. And I’ve tried to live out those very things, trying to make sure my relationship with Dena stays solid.

Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve added to Jerry’s excellent advice – and here are some additional “hedges,” or perhaps, “John’s personalized hedges.” I offer them here with the hope that you’ll want to know more about the concept, and that you’ll go listen to the broadcast and that you’ll also buy Jerry’s book. With that, my own hedges:

Proudly wear my wedding ring, especially when I travel. I know this sounds silly, but I often try to keep it between me and the folks I am visiting, as kind of a shield to protect me from stupid thoughts, and to remind others I am married – and glad for it.

When on the road, I try to call home every evening. After the meetings are over and I go back to my hotel room, the loneliness sets in. That’s when I want to talk with my beloved wife and be reminded of her love and my commitment to her.

I display family photos on my cell phone and computer screen. I like to show others pictures of my kids and wife. And it is always good to be reminded of my love for them, and my true desire to live a life of integrity for them.

I tell stories about my kids. Lots of stories. That reminds me of my unique role as their dad, and it keeps me connected to my family.

I follow Jerry’s advice, which he calls the Billy Graham Principle, of never dining, traveling or being alone with another woman. Once I became quite uncomfortable when, at an out-of-town meeting, I almost found myself having lunch alone with a woman – the rest of the party didn’t show up. I frantically called my wife, and when she didn’t answer, I called my assistant back at the office, because I wanted someone to know what had happened. Fortunately, the others did finally show up. Still, this is a powerful concept, and a matter which I do not take lightly.

I talk regularly and honestly about potential temptations with an accountability partner. And several key co-workers. And my wife. Shining the light of day on temptations seems to rob them of their power.

Alright, that’s most of my list. And I’m really grateful to Jerry for his insights and advice in this book and conversation. What about you? Do you have any protective barriers in place to keep your marriage strong and undefiled?

Parenthood and Autism

I just read a blog post about the new NBC television series, Parenthood. The writer deals specifically with one of the show’s story lines, about one couple who learn their child has Aspergers, a condition that is one of many Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD). While I’ve not seen the show, evidently its portrayal of the condition and its effects on a family is rather accurate and very compelling.

As the father of a boy with autism, I’m intrigued. I know firsthand about the difficulties and challenges of parenting such a child, and also about the stress that journey can have on a marriage. So I’d like to know more: I wonder if you saw the television program and have any reaction? Let me know.

And if you need some starting points to learn more about ASD, Focus on the Family has some links here, and I’d also (humbly) suggest this audio conversation I had with Bob West, founder of Need Project, about my family’s situation.

Love Your Wife

“Live with your wives in an understanding way…” I Peter 3:7

A good buddy of mine is a smooth operator.  He designed matching wedding rings, makes his wife photo collages; he’s “that guy” from the famous diamond campaign.  Recently, I suggested he should give the rest of us knuckleheads some lessons.

His wife piped up and said, “Do you know what my husband does?  Almost every night, he sits on the bathroom floor while I’m brushing my teeth and talks to me.  He tells me about his day.  He asks me about my day.  By the time we get to bed, he’s talked with me for at least an hour.”

The conversation immediately moved past good-natured ribbing.  I remembered that two years ago my friend had shared that their bed time routine was a point of contention in his marriage.  He got ready for bed much faster than his wife; couldn’t figure out what took her so long. Most of the time, he’d be asleep well before she was even out of the bathroom.  Frustrating.  Somewhere along the way, he set aside his pride and chose to recognize this as an opportunity to serve.  Sacrificing some sleep, he now sits on the floor while she brushes her teeth.  He connects with her; her life, her thoughts, her day.

I Peter 3:7 exhorts husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way.”  What does that verse really mean?  What does that look like?  Poetry, pictures, and romance are nice, but Peter was probably talking about gifts of a different kind, like sacrifice and service.  He was probably talking about getting out of bed, sitting on the floor, and connecting with our brides.

Realizing my buddy had turned a struggle in his marriage into a strength made me more convinced he should be giving lessons. Then I wondered, who would be open to learning from him?  How many men are willing to get out of bed and sit on the bathroom floor to make their wife feel special?  Am I?  Are you?  If not, then don’t claim I Peter 3:7.  If you are, then get ready to do whatever it takes.

This is not about cookie-cutter solutions.  Prepare to serve and, over time, get ready for God to turn struggle in your marriage into strength.  But, be careful…sitting on the bathroom floor might change your bed time routine more than you think.

(With gratitude to my friend Trace, who shared this powerful example with me)

Final Programs With Dr. Dobson

We’re entering what will surely be an emotional week, as Dr. James Dobson enters his final days at Focus on the Family. I’ve had the privilege of working here at Focus since 1991, when I came to help research and produce the broadcast. There have been many wonderful memories as I’ve served in the broadcast area here.

Often I am asked, “What’s Dr. Dobson really like?” I usually respond that, he is who he seems to be. There is nothing pretentious, there’s a consistency in his on-air and off-air personalities, and that he is – for the listener – who he seems to be on the radio. He is genuine, passionate, principled, caring, thoughtful, fiery and tender. He is a straight-shooter, and also has great diplomacy and tact. He looks out fo the Family, r the underdog, he fights for what he believes is right, he does not quit, he does not shrink back. He faithfully serves his God, his family, his friends. He is warm and engaging, and has a great sense of humor. He teases those who are close to him, too.

This week, as we wrap up our time with this extraordinary man, we’re naturally nostalgic as we reflect on the past 33 years of ministry by Dr. Dobson and his wife, Shirley. We’re also celebrating all that God has accomplished during more than three decades – particularly through the Focus on the Family radio program.

One of the recent broadcasts that touched me deeply featured former Focus president Don Hodel and his precious wife, Barbara. This couple has a fantastic relationship, in spite of – or perhaps because of? – some traumatic seasons. They’ve endured much, and their conversation with Dr. Dobson illustrates the heart of this ministry.

Today we’re hearing from Dr. Dobson himself, as he talked to our staff a few years back about something he called, “The Four Passions” (of Focus). If you want to better understand this man, and the ministry legacy he leaves for us to continue on with, listen in.

In coming programs, we’ll hear from listeners about the impact of Dr. Dobson and this ministry on their lives. There are some wonderfully touching moments!

Marrying Young?

My wife and I married in our early 20s. We had both spent a few years in the work world, had lived on our own and had established our separate lives before deciding to go down life’s paths together. We weren’t particularly young, nor were we past our prime.

My oldest child is 21, and in no rush to get married. And if he follows current trends, he won’t tie the knot for another 7 years or so. Is there anything wrong with that? Well, not particularly. But here’s a rather provocative piece from someone who asks some hard questions about the penchant for delaying marriage.

Related, if you aren’t familiar with Boundless, the Focus online magazine what often tackles touch subjects like ‘why you should get married soon,” do check it out.

And let me know what you think – about that article, or about Boundless.

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