Parenthood and Autism
I just read a blog post about the new NBC television series, Parenthood. The writer deals specifically with one of the show’s story lines, about one couple who learn their child has Aspergers, a condition that is one of many Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD). While I’ve not seen the show, evidently its portrayal of the condition and its effects on a family is rather accurate and very compelling.
As the father of a boy with autism, I’m intrigued. I know firsthand about the difficulties and challenges of parenting such a child, and also about the stress that journey can have on a marriage. So I’d like to know more: I wonder if you saw the television program and have any reaction? Let me know.
And if you need some starting points to learn more about ASD, Focus on the Family has some links here, and I’d also (humbly) suggest this audio conversation I had with Bob West, founder of Need Project, about my family’s situation.
Love Your Wife
“Live with your wives in an understanding way…” I Peter 3:7
A good buddy of mine is a smooth operator. He designed matching wedding rings, makes his wife photo collages; he’s “that guy” from the famous diamond campaign. Recently, I suggested he should give the rest of us knuckleheads some lessons.
His wife piped up and said, “Do you know what my husband does? Almost every night, he sits on the bathroom floor while I’m brushing my teeth and talks to me. He tells me about his day. He asks me about my day. By the time we get to bed, he’s talked with me for at least an hour.”
The conversation immediately moved past good-natured ribbing. I remembered that two years ago my friend had shared that their bed time routine was a point of contention in his marriage. He got ready for bed much faster than his wife; couldn’t figure out what took her so long. Most of the time, he’d be asleep well before she was even out of the bathroom. Frustrating. Somewhere along the way, he set aside his pride and chose to recognize this as an opportunity to serve. Sacrificing some sleep, he now sits on the floor while she brushes her teeth. He connects with her; her life, her thoughts, her day.
I Peter 3:7 exhorts husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way.” What does that verse really mean? What does that look like? Poetry, pictures, and romance are nice, but Peter was probably talking about gifts of a different kind, like sacrifice and service. He was probably talking about getting out of bed, sitting on the floor, and connecting with our brides.
Realizing my buddy had turned a struggle in his marriage into a strength made me more convinced he should be giving lessons. Then I wondered, who would be open to learning from him? How many men are willing to get out of bed and sit on the bathroom floor to make their wife feel special? Am I? Are you? If not, then don’t claim I Peter 3:7. If you are, then get ready to do whatever it takes.
This is not about cookie-cutter solutions. Prepare to serve and, over time, get ready for God to turn struggle in your marriage into strength. But, be careful…sitting on the bathroom floor might change your bed time routine more than you think.
(With gratitude to my friend Trace, who shared this powerful example with me)
Final Programs With Dr. Dobson
We’re entering what will surely be an emotional week, as Dr. James Dobson enters his final days at Focus on the Family. I’ve had the privilege of working here at Focus since 1991, when I came to help research and produce the broadcast. There have been many wonderful memories as I’ve served in the broadcast area here.
Often I am asked, “What’s Dr. Dobson really like?” I usually respond that, he is who he seems to be. There is nothing pretentious, there’s a consistency in his on-air and off-air personalities, and that he is - for the listener - who he seems to be on the radio. He is genuine, passionate, principled, caring, thoughtful, fiery and tender. He is a straight-shooter, and also has great diplomacy and tact. He looks out fo the Family, r the underdog, he fights for what he believes is right, he does not quit, he does not shrink back. He faithfully serves his God, his family, his friends. He is warm and engaging, and has a great sense of humor. He teases those who are close to him, too.
This week, as we wrap up our time with this extraordinary man, we’re naturally nostalgic as we reflect on the past 33 years of ministry by Dr. Dobson and his wife, Shirley. We’re also celebrating all that God has accomplished during more than three decades - particularly through the Focus on the Family radio program.
One of the recent broadcasts that touched me deeply featured former Focus president Don Hodel and his precious wife, Barbara. This couple has a fantastic relationship, in spite of - or perhaps because of? - some traumatic seasons. They’ve endured much, and their conversation with Dr. Dobson illustrates the heart of this ministry.
Today we’re hearing from Dr. Dobson himself, as he talked to our staff a few years back about something he called, “The Four Passions” (of Focus). If you want to better understand this man, and the ministry legacy he leaves for us to continue on with, listen in.
In coming programs, we’ll hear from listeners about the impact of Dr. Dobson and this ministry on their lives. There are some wonderfully touching moments!
Marrying Young?
My wife and I married in our early 20s. We had both spent a few years in the work world, had lived on our own and had established our separate lives before deciding to go down life’s paths together. We weren’t particularly young, nor were we past our prime.
My oldest child is 21, and in no rush to get married. And if he follows current trends, he won’t tie the knot for another 7 years or so. Is there anything wrong with that? Well, not particularly. But here’s a rather provocative piece from someone who asks some hard questions about the penchant for delaying marriage.
Related, if you aren’t familiar with Boundless, the Focus online magazine what often tackles touch subjects like ‘why you should get married soon,” do check it out.
And let me know what you think - about that article, or about Boundless.
Valentine’s Day Stories?
With the approach of February 14 looming, I’m thinking back over the years to special Valentine’s Day celebrations with my wife. One year I surprised her with a hotel getaway, where I had prepared the room with some special food and a Scrabble board with “I love you” spelled out. I recall the time when Dena sent the kids to a friend’s house and surprised me with a quiet romantic meal. On several occasions we’ve had a nice dinner out, complete with extended (and uninterrupted) conversation. We’ve often exchanged a small gift or two. Unfortunately, I’ve been away on business - conventions that I couldn’t miss - several times over the years.
I wonder if you’ve got a particularly fond memory of a special Valentine’s Day activity - or a memory you just can’t shake about a plan gone awry? If so, please share with us via the comments section.
Poll: Your Valentine’s Day Plans?
With Valentine’s Day only a few days away, I’m starting to map out what my wife and I can do to celebrate our relationship. Of course, we try to that EVERY day, but February 14 always brings a special opportunity (obligation?) to express our devotion and love to each other. We are both budget-conscious and also quite practical, and that’s good since we have young children still in the home and few good babysitting options this year. So we’ll spend some time away from the house, doing something relatively inexpensive - and without the kids.
How about you? What - if any plans you have?
What Are Your Valentine's Day Plans? Select up to three answers.
- I don't plan to do anything special. I have my reasons. Don't ask me again. (6%)
- Flowers and chocolate is always a hit! (25%)
- Celebrating at home with my love...and our kids. (31%)
- Celebrating at home with my love. (25%)
- A romantic getaway. (13%)
- Lunch or dinner with my sweetheart. (38%)
- Good question! I'll get back to you on that. (13%)
Loading ...Enter Our Valentine’s Day Contest - Now!
If you have written some great love letters to your spouse, or you’ve always wanted to write something special to your love, here’s something just for you. Right now there are four winners a day for the Focus on the Family Valentine’s Day Contest, and you can enter your sentimental musings today for your chance to win.
If you’re an especially good wordsmith, maybe we’ll see you here in Colorado Springs at the end of the month?
Week In Review, Jan 29
What a week we had on the Focus on the Family broadcast. Perhaps a personal highlight was when Jim Daly and I went to the studio to talk with Dr. Kevin Leman about his book, Have A New Husband By Friday. Instead, we were ambushed, and our wives shared insights about us - totally unrehearsed! Listen in and hear Jim and me squirm!
Two days of programing were devoted to the terrible suffering in Sudan. While the trauma in Haiti will continue to unfold in front of us over the next months, the years of incomprehensible and evil activity in Sudan have gone largely untold. Here’s a book showing photographs of that country’s pain - and fortitude. And here’s where you can listen to two colleagues sharing about their trip to Sudan, and this link will take you to the conversation we had with a family foundation doing a good work in Sudan.
Apart from the broadcast, there certainly was quite a bit of media coverage about the Super Bowl advertisement by Focus on the Family. The 30-second spot, featuring Pam Tebow and her son Tim, has created a lot of buzz. Jim Daly and several colleagues have been speaking to the media about the ad, which has not yet been released. What is so interesting to me: The criticisms by folks who talk authoritatively about the spot which they haven’t seen. Most of those objections tend to be attacks on Focus, not the ad — but of course, that’s what folks do these days when they can’t fault the message…they go after the messenger. Here’s a list of some of the thousands of stories about the ad. And here’s Jim’s recent blog post about the coverage.
Pray for us as the days are full, and we strive to follow God’s leading in all we do - including efforts to make that Super Bowl ad effective!
Birth Order Insights
This week I had the privilege of recording some programs with Dr. Kevin Leman. He is an insightful, highly engaging and humorous friend to have in the studio! While we didn’t talk about the topic directly, one of his “specialties” is addressing birth order and how that affects us - and our families.
I think it is pretty amusing to hear Dr. Leman talk to someone about their place in the birth order, and then go on to describe their personality and sometimes even specific characteristics of their mate! In fact, he shared with me that recently he was chatting with someone at an event, and Dr. Leman told the fellow that - just from their conversation - he had determined the man is a first-born, married to a last-born. And he was right!
Here’s a blog entry at the Wall Street Journal about birth order and marriage in which Dr. Leman is cited. Check it out - and be sure to see some of the reader comments, too.
If you’d like to learn more, watch this video of Dr. Leman talking generally about birth order; get his newly updated classic about the subject; order his book, First Born Advantage (which is on sale for a very good price); or go to his official website.
The First 25 Years
Where did the time go? 25 years ago today my dear Dena said, “I do,” and we became man and wife. And what a tremendous journey together we’ve had since then!
I can clearly remember the beautiful East Texas sunshine and the excitement November 24, 1984. Family and friends had come from near and far. A neighbor of Dena’s parents hosted a special breakfast for out-of-town visitors. We eventually made our way to the church, where we slipped out to practice our vows one last time. We made our way to the dressing rooms, knowing that a significant rite of passage was about to transpire - we were getting married!
The help and support of friends that day was invaluable, as they arranged chairs, chased details and encouraged us. Then the ceremony began, with music, a dramatic entrance, and some rich and meaningful thoughts from our pastor. The vows, the ring, the candles, the pronouncement…and then we were headed down the aisle, holding hands and overjoyed at the life we would share together. We couldn’t stop smiling.
After posing for some photographs, we made our way to the banquet hall. The reception was wonderful, and we greeted folks for what seemed like hours. In fact, we spent so much time talking to folks that we never had a chance to eat! One of Dena’s aunts saw what was happening, and kindly saved a plate of food for us. If not for her, I wouldn’t have been able to taste the groom’s cake - it was gone before the evening finished.
We changed clothes, I grabbed her hand, and we ran through a hail of birdseed - and warm wishes - to the car. As we drove toward a little bed-n-breakfast, we exhaled and enjoyed some quiet. After the rush of the previous weeks, and little time to relax and enjoy being together, it was great feeling to know we had the entire coming week to ourselves. Indeed, the next day we made our way to northwest Arkansas, where a secluded cabin awaited us. No schedules, no appointments, no interruptions for that week. It was a fantastic way to begin married life!
During these past 25 years, Dena has endured much - I’m not all that easy to live with. She has been patient and graceful, gentle, loving and so loving. We’ve had tremendous times together! Laughter and tears, struggles and joy…we’ve experienced so much. We’ve grown closer to each other and to our God. He has richly blessed us with six children, and each has brought untold joy into our lives. He has also given us loving family and friends to encourage us along the way. Thanks to all who have poured advice, prayers and love into our relationship from the beginning in 1983 to the present!
And thanks be to God, for seeing fit to put us together. In His sovereignty, He knew what both of us needed. He knew His plan to refine, strengthen and use us - as individuals, but more significantly, as a couple. I can’t believe we’ve been together for 25 years - and I wonder what the next 25 will hold? By His grace, it’ll be every bit as good as the first 25!
While I could include a picture from that wonderful day, I’ll instead post a photo from our first date back in 1983. Taken with infrared film - I was an aspiring photographer who liked to dabble with new techniques - that occasion was captured in a rather special way. I liked the effect, but even better, I liked that girl a whole lot! I keep this picture in my office, a reminder of sweet days long ago, and of the special woman God has blessed me with all these years.
Thanks, my love, for standing with me for so long. I treasure you, and thank God for you. And I’m looking forward to the next 25!