Love Your Wife More?

Ted Cunningham, a pastor, speaker and author, made the audience of around 1,000 people in Dallas gasp. Audibly. He wasn’t particularly dramatic about it, and I’ll admit that I didn’t think much about his comment at the moment. But there it was – and people did have some strong reactions.

Ted told a sweet story about a conversation with his five year-old daughter who asked him a rather innocent question.

“Daddy, who do you love more? Mommy or me?”

Even as you read the question, you’re likely forming an answer of your own. Something a bit vague, but reassuring. Affirming of your love for both. Not too specific…because it seems like kind of a loaded question the more you think about it.

To a man it likely seems like one of those no-win propositions. The old dilemma of answering your wife when she asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Of course, there’s no apparent “right answer!” Reply the wrong way and there could be a really tough time explaining why you said what you said. Dismiss the query and you might crush a heart. How in the world do you answer a question like that?

Despite the apparent conundrum, Ted’s response to his daughter seemed quite reasonable to me. In fact, I thought it was a fine response. It wasn’t particularly shocking – but there were verbal reactions of “Oh my!” from many in the auditorium. And it was mostly women, it seemed, who took exception to his words.

“Well…you’ve got to know, sweetheart, that while I love you a whole lot, I love your Mommy even more.”

What?!

In the minds of hundreds in the audience, a rush of thoughts. I could almost hear them.

“Wait a minute, Ted. Are you telling me that you love your wife more than your child? C’mon, man, that’s not what your girl wanted to hear! You’ve crushed her heart.”

Or perhaps, “Yikes, you mean I CAN love my wife more than our kids?”

How did you react when you read Ted’s candid, albeit somewhat unexpected answer to his little girl? Did his response startle you?

Truth is, in every family there are relational priorities. For many couples, the children become the central rallying point for everything – “it’s all about the kids,” you know. That’s what we often hear. It seems that is an approach to family life that is most valued in our culture.

And while it is a commonly accepted norm to make the kids the focus of all our attention and efforts, I think that is wrong and short-sighted.

I’d suggest that the healthiest things for a family man to do is to take Ted’s advice: Love your wife more than your kids. And let your kids know why.

Here’s a radio recording of that moment when Ted caused a lot of folks to gasp. I’d suggest you listen to the entire discussion to catch the context of what Ted was trying to teach, but if you’re in a hurry, start around the 13-minute mark.

 

 

 

Top Five Books – I Didn’t Read – For 2011

In the spirit of the season, with everyone and his brother making “Top This” and “Top That” lists of new and notable items in the past twelve months, I humbly offer my own list. Here are the five books I didn’t read in 2011 – but wish I would have. Don’t misunderstand – I like books, have a lot of them, and seem to receive new ones almost daily from publishers and friends. I cannot read every book on my shelves, and at times feel guilty for having so many unread books. Still, there are many good books I intend to read…some day.

So, the following are the starting point for a “Top Books of 2012 – Which I Actually Read” list…which I’ll try to post in about twelve months.

  1. All is Grace, Brennan Manning  – Memoirs of a fascinating man who found God’s grace…everywhere. I am eager to get to know Manning better.
  2. Prayer, Philip Yancey – Started, just need to finish this fine book. Philip has been a favorite writer since I started reading his columns in Campus Life magazine during high school. That’s quite a long time!
  3. The New Testament – Various (human) authors. Chuck Swindoll has challenged believers to read through the New Testament this year. I think that’s a great idea – and plan to add in the Psalms and Proverbs, as well (see this reading plan). Why not join me?
  4. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy’s epic. If three of my kids have read it, why haven’t I?
  5. The Meaning Of Marriage, Tim Keller – We’ll be interviewing Tim and his wife Kathy for a Focus broadcast soon, and I am always glad for an opportunity to read this wise man’s perspective on life.

I’ll try to gather up the best books I’ve read this past year in a future post. Meantime, what books are on your “didn’t read – yet” list?

ADDENDUM: Just today Danny Heitman writes in the Wall Street Journal (subscribers only, sorry) about this very matter. I appreciated his perspective, which affords some comfort:

The truly cultured, (author Gabriel Zaid) says, “are capable of owning thousands of unread books without losing their composure or desire for more.”

Further, Heitman adds,

Unread books…can be noble evidence of aspirations not yet met but still worth embracing.

Somehow, such thinking gives me permission to go through those stacks of books which I have not yet cracked open, or which was started but never finished, on bookshelves both at home and at work, and dare to pick one up…and read.

Here’s to a growing collection of unread books, and to a year ahead of great reading!

Thank You, Veterans

Today as we honor those who have served in our military, a story, a few links and a suggestion.

First, some feedback from a listener:

“My husband is a soldier; he’s been deployed overseas to the combat zone and will hopefully be returning soon.  About a week ago I called Focus to ask some questions related to welcoming him home.  A chaplain from your staff called back, offered helpful suggestions and prayed for our family.  You also sent me some materials that offer information and encouragement.  I can’t tell you how much your kindness means to me.  I am very proud of my husband, and it has been wonderful to hear him describe how he has been witnessing to people while deployed.  We both know this was where God wanted him.  Thank you very much for all the help and prayer that you offer military families.  It is only by God’s grace and the prayers of His people that we are able to continue on with joy and thanksgiving.”

We LOVE hearing from someone we’ve helped. And if you donate to Focus on the Family, you played a part in reaching out to this family in a time of real need.

If you are military, or like me have friends who serve, you should know about some of the practical things we offer families. Let me start by pointing to Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife Barb, who have a great outreach to military families. Here’s a radio conversation with them about common issues of communication, control and coming together for deployed families.

Related, here’s an article with firsthand insights about some of the challenges couples and parents face when returning home.

In this two-day series, Retired Maj. Gen. Doug Carver and retired Capt. Mike Langston discuss their experiences as military chaplains and their ministry to soldiers on the battlefield. They have some dramatic stories and huge hearts for the men and women they worked with as chaplains.

Here’s a radio program about the realities of life with PTSD, featuring an incredible story of survival and the on-going difficulties. We also offer trusted counseling advice to help with some of the basics for those returning from battle – and those awaiting them.

Alright, now for a suggestion (two, actually). Practically, one way to support our troops in the most important aspects of their service – their faith in God – we’ve got an easy and significant opportunity. Give a dramatized audio Bible to a soldier on the field…and offer them God’s Word. Details here. So far, your financial help has helped hundreds of these unique and powerful tools be ‘deployed.”

Finally, a reminder to take a minute to thank a veteran, and to thank God for the privileges we have in this country.

 

 

 

 

Taking A Look Ahead

Looking ahead...what do you see?

It was loaded on my iPod, and while I had heard it dozens of times – often cranked up loud on my first “real” stereo system back in my college days – I’m not sure I ever really listened to the lyrics. That particular morning, though, as I walked along the road in the middle of Gunnison County, surrounded by beautiful mountains and enjoying some solitude, I listened and heard the meaning of the song. And on this lovely day I thought they were pretty profound.

Back in 1976 the band Boston released their debut album. It was a highly successful project. An ardent follower of the pop and rock music scene, I played this album a lot — probably a hundred times a year. One song, “Peace of Mind,” has been a staple for classic rock stations, and I’ve heard it often over the years.

I’m not sure why I never noticed the point of “Peace of Mind” prior to this particular morning walk. Despite my familiarity with the guitar riffs and even the chorus, for some reason I had never dialed into the meaning of the lyrics. As I enjoyed the sunshine and trees, though, the message came through clearly. And it grabbed me! I found myself completely agreeing with lead singer Brad Delp as he sang with conviction:

Now you’re climbin’ to the top of the company ladder

Hope it doesn’t take too long

Can’tcha see there’ll come a day when it won’t matter

Come a day when you’ll be gone

~

I understand about indecision

But I don’t care if I get behind

People livin’ in competition

All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead. Look ahead.

Walking along that rural highway with my iPod cranked up, it suddenly seemed as though Solomon had packaged one of his proverbial sayings or a line from his ancient writings in Ecclesiastes to some good electric guitar and driving drums. There were timeless themes that are as relevant today as they were back in the 70s. Notions of success, competition, climbing the corporate ladder, striving to get ahead…that’s what Delp was singing about. And I realized there was – and is – an application for my life from this song.

Chasing after temporal values, wrestling with decisions about where we invest our time and energies, overlooking internal peace as we go for the gold…these are ultimately empty and meaningless pursuits.

When we look at what really matters, considering matters with a more eternal perspective, it becomes clear that a lot of what we value is temporal in nature. Unfortunately, as well, is that much of what we ignore or at least treat with less enthusiasm and respect is really quite important. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong in working hard and doing well, but misplaced priorities can sidetrack us from the really meaningful aspects of life.

So, I need to stop and take a look ahead. Look down the road and consider what I believe is important. Will it last?

Will my efforts last into eternity?

In some ways, the work I do at Focus will last. It has an eternal message, and many lives around the world have been touched by our radio efforts. This is a great job, and I am deeply grateful for it. However, as I told Dena last night, “I’m not irreplaceable.”

In the ten years I’ve been co-host of the Focus on the Family radio program, I’ve only missed being on a handful of broadcasts. But in my absence…”the show must go on” – and it does. Whether I am here or not, our team produces great programming, and if someone needs to handle my duties while I am away, they get that taken care of. I’m replaceable at work.

But, as I tell folks with some frequency, despite the joys and fulfillment I find here at Focus, my REAL job is right at home as a husband and father. In these roles I am irreplaceable. I’m the guy. There isn’t a substitute. The responsibility to love my wife and kids is solely mine. It isn’t something someone else can step in and do until I get back.

How about you? You work hard, and you might have a great job. But its temporal compared to the eternal investment you are called to make in your family.

Are you taking a look ahead? Taking a “long view” of things, and making sure your priorities are right? It’s not too late…

Finding Help

Here’s an encouraging comment recently received, about the “accidental” manner in which one person discovered the Focus on the Family radio programs.

“Last year I had a new stereo put into my car.  During the installation someone programmed one of the keys to a Christian talk radio station.  I never chose that station, but I didn’t reprogram it either.  Then about five months ago, I decided to try listening.  I was thrilled to discover the Focus on the Family broadcast.  Now I tune in every day on my way to work.  I appreciate how you support me as a wife and mother.”

Maybe you can introduce someone to our broadcasts?

Help For Blended Families

Blended families present husbands, wives, moms, dads, and children – regardless of age – special opportunities and difficulties. A lot of angst, emotion…and special graces can be seen in the “mashing together” of individuals into a family.  At the Focus Marriage Forum, the most active conversation centers around blended families, kids and priorities.

Today’s Focus radio program addresses blended families. Our guests, Danny and Rayna Ortlie, speak openly about the joys – and challenges – of their rather unique situation. By the way, Danny’s book, Mommy Paints The Sky, is a tender account of his the marriage to and loss of his first wife, and how God graciously brought Rayna into his life.

Struggling with tough issues in your family? You’ll find a helpful list of trusted resources here. If you’d prefer to talk with someone, Focus on the Family Help Center counselors are here to listen and pray with you. You can arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time. Last year this compassionate team helped 66,000 individuals – so be aware that you’ll probably need to leave your name and number for a counselor to return your call.

Connecting With Focus

“Why am I here? Because Focus on the Family has been part of my life for the past 20 years. You’ve helped me in my marriage and in raising my kids. I’m grateful for all Focus has done, and it just seemed like I had to be here today!”

It is something we hear frequently. Focus on the Family is indeed a special ministry, and God has enabled us to really connect with people in many deep ways. That comment was from a woman I met while in Vancouver, BC last weekend for the dedication of a new headquarters for Focus on the Family Canada.

The new building – paid for at move-in! – is phenomenal in every way, but as I told FOF Canada president Terence Rolston, what really makes the place special is the staff. Energetic, enthusiastic, dedicated to the mission and obviously appreciative of and affectionate toward each other, the folks who make up Focus Canada are a terrific group.

During Friday’s ribbon cutting ceremony, a private banquet that evening and then during Saturday’s open house, I met some wonderful friends of the ministry. There were some folks who flew across the country to participate in the events. One family we greeted drove 10 hours to the Vancouver area. A woman I met said she made a four hour drive to join the festivities. Along the way there were many similar reminders of the doors God has opened for Focus to speak into the lives of men and women, boys and girls.

Why do folks feel such a connection to Focus? I believe it is God’s doing, a response to our prayers that He use our efforts in significant ways. We ask Him often to touch lives through what we do.

Every day we hear reports and stories about just that – ways in which Focus has been used by God to make a lasting impact on someone.Here’s a particularly poignant account of a life changed:

“I am one of Focus on the Family’s silent supporters. I’m silent in the sense that you don’t know that I’m here, but I am. I first heard your program on the radio when I was an eighteen-year-old runaway. Your broadcast, and others like it, helped me to return to my faith and family. I am now reconciled with my family (which I thank God came about before my father’s sudden death), happily married, and expecting our first child. Your wisdom and guidance have been invaluable to me over the years. As I have struggled to reestablish my faith, you have provided a refreshing guide to ‘practical’ Christianity that I have desperately needed.”

If God has used Focus in YOUR life, would you please let us know? Make a comment below. Visit our Facebook page and leave a story (or at the least, “Like” us). Call us (800-232-6459). Or drop a note to Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995. (if you are in Canada, our contact info is here).

Finally, as this is really a spiritual effort, would you please pray with us? We have specific ways you can pray for Focus on the Family here.

Thanks again to the talented, hard-working staff in our Canada office, to the many who participated in the events last week, and most of all, to God for His on-going goodness and work.

How’d You Sleep Last Night?

This morning it was the usual question. I don’t know when she started asking it, but suspect that I started the tradition. Almost every morning my daughter asks, “How’d you sleep last night, Dad?”

Thinking back over the years, sleep has been elusive. Our first child didn’t sleep through the night until he was 18 months. “Ugh,” was all we could think most mornings. Our second didn’t sleep much better. We spent those early years as parents bleary eyed and craving caffeine. By our third and subsequent kids, though, we’d learned how to encourage the babies to sleep through an entire night by the time they were only six or seven weeks old.

Maybe you can relate? If your sleep is interrupted because of a newborn, your life is suffering a bit. You aren’t performing optimally at work or at home. And I’d guess that your marriage is strained – at least a little. Allow some advice?

I’ve written a book for new fathers, called First Time Dad. It’ll be available May 1 (see the side bar to your right for info and some free downloads). In a chapter about how babies can affect a marriage, I shared some tips from David and Claudia Arp. They’re are counselors who have written about having a good marriage—in spite of having a baby. Their experience is universal. Most new parents feel like they’ve been blindsided by their baby. David and Claudia have boiled down advice for new parents to seven healthy habits. Take a look and see how you’re doing.

1. Be deliberate in sharing responsibilities: Every family is different, but it’s important to make sure one parent, usually the mother, is not the new baby’s sole caretaker. If she is bearing the brunt of it, a wise man offers to shop, cook, and clean around the house.

2. Develop healthy sleep habits: Without proper rest, parents grow edgy and irritable. They don’t think clearly. Try to establish a routine that will allow each parent to get some uninterrupted rest. Granted the first few weeks will be tough, but things should soon even out.

3. Find time for each other: One of my biggest mistakes was assuming I was done with dating my wife. Ironically, there
is probably no better time to be deliberate about dating your spouse than after a new baby arrives. Plan ahead. Get a babysitter, even if it’s for an hour’s walk around the neighborhood.

4. Talk and listen effectively: This advice applies to any married couple, but it’s especially important when Junior arrives. Don’t assume your spouse can read your mind, and don’t assume you can do the same. Ask questions—and listen to her answers!

5. Make your love life a priority: Romance didn’t rank high on my list those first weeks with a new baby—and you can be sure my wife was interested even less. But it’s important to carve out time. Be creative and spontaneous. Perhaps a friend can watch the baby at their house—and instead of going out, the two of you can stay in.

6. Grow together spiritually: It’s easy to let Scripture study and prayer time together slide when you’re exhausted and trying to find your way as a new father. But as with dating, this is a time when you need the Lord’s wisdom most. Even if you read only a passage or two, keep reading your Bible. Pray simple prayers together. Pray for each other—and pray for this wonderful new life!

7. Nurture your relationship: Do you remember why you fell in love with your spouse? Maybe it’s time to write her a letter and remind her. (Perhaps you’ll benefit from the recollection too.) Don’t forget that it’s often the little things, like bringing her coffee in bed or bringing home flowers for no reason, that make the biggest impression.

So, how’d YOU sleep last night?

Valentine’s Day – On a Budget?

My dilemma: my dear wife is frugal, and just announced we need to cut the spending budget. My question: On February 14, how should I react? Don’t want to surprise her with a really expensive expression of my love. Still, I don’t want to miss the opportunity to let her know I love her. Here’s some of the response from my question, posed on Twitter, about what I should do regarding Valentine’s Day.

Me:

“Unclear about Valentines Day – wife wants to cut the budget. Is now a good time to heed her frugality?”

Friends:

Thanks to my Twitter friends, I’m inspired to do something…now, just what? Hmmm…somehow I seem to be “skating on thin ice.” Help?

Protect Your Marriage

Our current international radio programming reflects a great conversation we enjoyed with Jerry Jenkins, author of a tremendous resource, “Hedges, Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It.”

There’s great wisdom in being proactive about protecting yourself and your spouse. Jerry has an entire book with suggestions on how to do that. Here are a couple of ideas I employ to make sure I stay on track:

Here’s a previous post about that book and concept, and the programs with Jerry Jenkins. I suggest you listen – with your spouse – and map out specific ways to keep the relationship strong and intact.

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