A Marriage Changed

We recently heard this affirming feedback to a Focus on the Family broadcast:

“Thank you for your recent broadcast in which you and your guests discussed how to thrive in a difficult marriage.  I’ve been searching several years now for the wisdom and insights that were shared during this program, and I’m so grateful I finally found some answers!  Learning that I need to focus on my own issues and behaviors was something I desperately needed to hear.  This revelation has given me a great deal of hope and strength for the journey that lies ahead.”

We’re encouraged that God is using our radio programming, and for this great comment.

Thanks for listening – and for praying with us that lives will be touched by God through our efforts!

Christmas In The Air

It’s only Monday, but this morning as I drove carpool my daughters were discussing the upcoming weekend. When reminded of a party for our Sunday school class, the oldest girl expressed surprise that “Christmas parties are already starting.” We reminded her that it IS December, and that Christmas will be here quite soon.

In fact, this past weekend our family just celebrated our 19th annual “Christmas Tree Hunt,” driving into the mountains to search for the perfect tree. We never find it, but this year we came mighty close! After cutting and loading it, we enjoyed hot chocolate and sandwiches before coming back home. This is one of our favorite memories through the years.

A beautiful day to be in the mountains!

Here at Focus on the Family, we’ve got some special Christmas activities and offerings for you. One item of particular note is our “12 Days of Blessing” contest. Check here for details, and be sure you nominate a needy family you know who could use some extra help this season.

And here’s a way to save some money on your Christmas shopping: free shipping from the Focus on the Family store at CBD.

This site (an outreach of Focus on the Family) has suggestions you might appreciate about “shopping with purpose.”

If you’ve appreciated the outreach of Focus on the Family, I’d like you to know that there’s a special “matching gift” opportunity, for only a short time, that effectively doubles any contribution you make to Focus. It’s an extraordinary way to maximize your contribution. Details here.

Finally, here’s a series of short articles to help you keep your family’s holiday emphasis where it belongs.

Radio Touching Lives

Encouragement to start your week: God can -and frequently does – use our efforts to touch others. Here’s a powerful example of how He recently took a radio program and used it to help a couple and their pastor:

A pastor contacted Focus to thank us for a providentially timed broadcast.  A young married couple in his church had come to him for help with some emotional struggles in their relationship.  The minister felt ill-equipped to assist them, as much of their difficulty stemmed from health issues which were unfamiliar to him.  A few days later, he heard a Focus program that addressed those very concerns!  The pastor admitted that he “just cried and cried” when he heard the program.  He called to request two recordings of the broadcast – one for the couple and one for himself.

When you pray for and give to Focus on the Family, you’re partnering with us touch the lives of men and women around the world. Thanks for being on “our team!”

Who Do You Love More?

The innocent six year-old looked at her daddy and asked, “Who do you love more, Mom or me?”

He answered thoughtfully, “Honey, I love your Mommy more than you.” Ted went on to explain about the nature of a marital love, and how it is different than a parent’s love for a child. Still, there was a bit of “wow factor” associated with the comment.

I thought, “Well, that’ll ruffle a few feathers, but I think he’s right.”

And when we invited listeners to weigh in on their thoughts, we received an avalanche of response! Samples:

Listen to the program here. Reactions?

Not Yet

The junk mail started arriving about two years ago. I promptly threw it out, without even opening it. I’m not sorry. In fact, I’m offended. And yet, it still comes monthly.

For context: It was only a few years ago that I decided that I’m now qualified as a “middle aged” man. Yes, I “decided.”

If you think about it, there’s really no commonly accepted definition of just when “middle age” begins for a person. Is it in your 40s? Maybe. 50s? Probably not, at least for most folks…because that’s when the dreaded, offensive junk mail starts coming.

Unable to find a consensus on how to define middle aged, I determined that I was about there, as I had a child in college. That seemed reasonable, and I’ve since told many friends that, with that family marker achieved, they’d arrived at “middle aged.”

Any way, as I had really just started to settle into “middle age” only a few years ago, it was really hard to start receiving solicitations to join the AARP. I mean, really. I’ve only just begun the middle years, did they have to start pushing me toward “senior” status? And the benefits of joining  – discounted hotel rooms, prescriptions and eye glasses…why, that’s hardly enough to entice me to enter my “golden years.” Then there’s the association’s agenda, which reflects values that are decidedly different than mine. That’s a huge reason I’ve never, ever join that august group.

So I’ll keep putting that mail from AARP into the recycle bin, and enjoy my middle aged years longer. A lot longer, like another 12 years…since our six year-old son will be home for at least another 10-12 years.

Okay, rant over.

Now, maybe you’re identifying with my plight, er, decision, to stay middle aged for a while. Maybe you can’t fathom being in this stage of life (just wait, it’ll happen all-too-quickly). Or perhaps you’ve entered a season of being an “empty nester” – no kids at home. Just the two of you. For those who are getting close to the empty nest, here’s an enjoyable Focus on the Family conversation with two knowledgeable ladies about the pros and cons of such a season, and solid advice about how to prepare for and make the time fulfilling and rewarding.

WIR, June 4, 2010

The week we’ve had some great Focus radio programming!

Marriage: Greg and Erin Smalley compared the early years of their marriage to the ancient Israelites’ experience in the book of Exodus — wandering through the wilderness and dreaming of the Promised Land. The Smalleys say it felt like they would never achieve the marriage of their dreams; that they were “stuck” in a seemingly endless cycle of unhealthy conflict.  What most couples do to stay in the wilderness:

“We stop doing the things that we should be doing. We start doing things that are probably unhealthy for our marriages, and all of a sudden, we feel stuck … and we don’t know what to do.”

The conversation with the Smalleys is here.

Parenting, Life and Faith: Art Linkletter’s book Kids Say the Darndest Things is one of the best-selling titles of all time, and his interviews with young children have entertained millions. Listen in as we pay tribute to the entertainment icon who passed away last week, with some great laughs as Linkletter shares more of the hilarious things kids said on his hit TV show House Party. The program takes a serious turn as Linkletter talks about his daughter’s suicide and describes how that tragic event helped take his life and personal ministry in a different direction. Through it all, he kept perspective:

“Living a happy, productive, long life calls for the ability to laugh at yourself a little … If you can laugh at the world and laugh at yourself, it [helps take] away the hurts.”

Meaning In Life: Monday we aired a message from Don Coble, who described his former life as a hardened military man who was addicted to work and alcoholism, and explained how he was transformed by God’s love and grace.

And we enjoy getting feedback from folks. With the summer movie season here, I thought you might find this recent comment by one friend of Focus on the Family particularly helpful:

“Thank you so much for your ministry at Plugged In.  My husband and I are very particular about what we let our four children see.  We have found that even though a movie may have a PG or PG-13 rating, many of these films may be just as unsuitable as R-rated ones.  Vice-versa, a (very) few R-rated movies, if seen with our guidance, may be more suitable than some PG or PG-13 works.  (These are films we would only see with our oldest child, and typically only those dealing with war).  We generally check with Plugged In before we see any movie, and that has served us well.  From a family who greatly appreciates what you are doing, please stay the course!  In an age where innocence is on the line every day, thank you for helping us fight the battle for the sake of Christ and our children.”

Thanks for allowing us to be part of your family!

Is There A Favorite Parent?

Until this morning, I’d always thought that kids go through seasons when they naturally tend to pick one of us parents instead of the other. Specifically, for the first several years my children have been “all Mommy, all the time.”  If I wanted to hold them, the answer was something like this: “No Daddy, but MOMMY can hold me.” I attributed such preferences to Dena’s natural nurturing personality. And it was okay.

As they’ve aged, my kids have made me the “go to” guy for a lot of things, and I know they like spending time with me.  So it has seemed reasonable to view such preferences as somewhat seasonal and related more to our giftings and strengths as parents.

I’ve not really thought much about these things, until I saw this rather provocative headline: “Are You The Favored Parent?” Author Ellen Weber Libby suggests there are many reasons that Moms and Dads actually seek out the “favored parent” status, and that such approaches to parenting might be more related to our own adult insecurities or emotional needs, and less to the preferences of children. She says,

“Why can it be so important for one parent to feel favored? …It is normal to want to be chosen or selected. Some parents are deliberate in the desires to be the favorite parent.”

Libby goes on to say that such intentional efforts to be “number one parent” could be tied to rejection we felt from our own parents, or from feelings of inadequacies within our marriage.

So ow I’m examining my own approach to parenting the six kids we’ve been blessed with, and to ask myself about the motives for my own behaviors. Not a bad thing…a little self-examination is usually helpful in sorting out those  underlying reasons for doing what I do.

What do you think? Are you a favored parent? Are you trying to be one?

Twitter: Yeah, We’re There

You may not know it, but Focus on the Family has a growing commitment to social media. For instance:

Followers of @MyFocusRadio will see who and what are being discussed on our daily Focus on the Family broadcast.

My personal Twitter account is @FullerJohn.

Focus’ President and CEO Jim Daly is @DalyFocus.

Our marriage department offers daily tips for strengthening your marriage on Twitter (@focusmarriage). Tweets include quotes for encouragement, reminders for your marriage and links back to Focus marriage resources.

Young married couples can get updates on new content by following @YoungMarried.

The Focus parenting department (@FocusParenting) offers weekday tips for discipline, passing your faith, protecting your kids and strengthening your family relationships on Twitter. Tweets include links back to parenting articles, questions & answers, audio, video and discussion threads.

@ThrivingFamily is our brand new, beautiful bi-monthly magazine.

New blog posts, articles and podcasts geared for young adults here: @BoundlessTeam.

Newly married couples can get updates on new content by following @YoungMarried.

@FocusLeadership is the feed for our semester-long program for college students, with daily tweets that include leadership quotes as well as what the FLI students are doing, from classroom topics and guest speakers to activities.

@TheTruthProject is also on Twitter.

Also on Twitter: @WaitNoMore, with events and information about caring for orphans.

If you like to keep up with policy news and issues, follow @CitizenLink and @DriveThruBlog.

If you live in or will be visiting Colorado Springs, follow @FocusBookstore to learn about sales, events, book signings and more!

Even Focus on the Family International Offices are on Twitter!

And if you prefer other social media platforms, around 35,000 people follow us on Facebook.

To learn more, see the links here.

WIR, April 16

This past week we enjoyed some great radio conversations:

In addition, our radio team was in Dallas, Texas earlier this week for some live radio. Here’s a slideshow of just some of the activities from that time. We’ll be doing this a number of times in the coming months, and you can see if we’re coming to your city here.

Protecting Your Marriage

Earlier this week we had a great conversation on Focus on the Family with author Jerry Jenkins. While I’ve personally appreciated a number of the 170 or so books he has written, the topic of conversation was his classic, Hedges. In it, Jerry offers some practical, common-sense ways a person can build hedges – protective barriers – to keep his marriage strong and solid. While his ideas might seem “prudish,” as Jerry describes them, I’ve got to say I’ve found his suggestions invaluable. And I’ve tried to live out those very things, trying to make sure my relationship with Dena stays solid.

Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve added to Jerry’s excellent advice – and here are some additional “hedges,” or perhaps, “John’s personalized hedges.” I offer them here with the hope that you’ll want to know more about the concept, and that you’ll go listen to the broadcast and that you’ll also buy Jerry’s book. With that, my own hedges:

Proudly wear my wedding ring, especially when I travel. I know this sounds silly, but I often try to keep it between me and the folks I am visiting, as kind of a shield to protect me from stupid thoughts, and to remind others I am married – and glad for it.

When on the road, I try to call home every evening. After the meetings are over and I go back to my hotel room, the loneliness sets in. That’s when I want to talk with my beloved wife and be reminded of her love and my commitment to her.

I display family photos on my cell phone and computer screen. I like to show others pictures of my kids and wife. And it is always good to be reminded of my love for them, and my true desire to live a life of integrity for them.

I tell stories about my kids. Lots of stories. That reminds me of my unique role as their dad, and it keeps me connected to my family.

I follow Jerry’s advice, which he calls the Billy Graham Principle, of never dining, traveling or being alone with another woman. Once I became quite uncomfortable when, at an out-of-town meeting, I almost found myself having lunch alone with a woman – the rest of the party didn’t show up. I frantically called my wife, and when she didn’t answer, I called my assistant back at the office, because I wanted someone to know what had happened. Fortunately, the others did finally show up. Still, this is a powerful concept, and a matter which I do not take lightly.

I talk regularly and honestly about potential temptations with an accountability partner. And several key co-workers. And my wife. Shining the light of day on temptations seems to rob them of their power.

Alright, that’s most of my list. And I’m really grateful to Jerry for his insights and advice in this book and conversation. What about you? Do you have any protective barriers in place to keep your marriage strong and undefiled?

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