Choose The Good Path

In Colorado, where our family makes its home, there are fifty-four “14ers” (mountains 14,000 feet or higher). Some outdoor enthusiasts make it a goal to climb all fifty-four. I recently heard about one man who was climbing Mount Princeton with his son.

As they neared the summit and the father scanned the trail, the boy shouted out from behind,

“Choose the good path, Dad; I’m coming right behind you!”

That little fellow was instinctively reminding his dad to live the words of Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV).

Or consider the apostle Paul’s blunt admonition to the members of the church at Ephesus:

“Fathers,” he said, “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).

Isn’t that the whole point? You don’t want to be a good father just for the sake of being a good father. You want to be a good father because you want to teach your son how to be a good man!

As I’ve worked at being an intentional, engaged dad, one of the more effective tools I’ve used is a milestone event to mark the various passages of life.

When my boys hit age eleven or so, I took them off for a special weekend to get ready for the turbulence of the adolescent years. We enjoyed some great guy time, with outdoor adventures, good food and some special times of father-son instruction.

Dena and I commemorated their 14th birthdays with a adults-only special dinner. Spending the evening with a few select couples, enjoying some great steaks and conversation, I charged them to be men of God. It was a casual – and quite Christian – adaptation of a bar mitzvah.

At 18 we celebrated high school graduation and the official start to their adult lives. I read some Scriptures, we gave them some small gifts, and we all turned the corner to their journey on the road of life.

If you strive to be a good model for your kids, and if you want to really make their transition to adulthood meaningful – and memorable – there are some great resources. A new book, Rite of Passage, written by Jim McBride, caught my attention. Jim is the executive producer of the films released by Sherwood Pictures (he pastors at Sherwood Baptist Church). Their newest project, Courageous, is in theaters September 30.

Father to four children, Jim has lived out a powerful approach to setting his kids on a right path. A good path.

What I liked about Rite of Passage is the way it records Jim’s dedication to his daughters and son, and to his God. He planned and then held ceremonies to mark the maturing of his kids, and to help them know God’s intent for their lives, as they became adults. He worked hard, and succeeded in bringing together memories messages involving significant people in his children’s lives.

The book is easy to read, full of personal anecdotes and quotes. Jim includes practical suggestions, and even tackles some common challenges in setting out to mark your child’s road to adulthood.

I was really glad to read this book right now because in our family we’ll celebrate yet another 16th birthday in just a few months. Our fourth child, a beloved daughter, will hit “Sweet Sixteen,” and we want to make sure we celebrate richly. Even though in previous years we’ve marked the occasion for her three older siblings, or perhaps because we have done so, this girl needs something really special. Jim McBride has given me some great ideas to incorporate as we begin planning!

Dad, you love your kids. You long to model “the good path” for your kids. Get a dose of inspiration from out Courageous – and Rite of Passage.

And, if you’re a new father, grab the free download of chapter one from my book, First Time Dad, from the sidebar on the right. Maybe it’ll encourage you in these early days of parenting.

A Rich Twenty

A favorite memory from our final days in Tyler. My oldest child, age three at the time, walking with my niece.

In late July 1991, I was pondering a job change. I was happy with managing two Christian radio stations in Texas. Our circumstances were close to ideal. We lived two blocks from my wife’s sister and her family. One set of grandparents—we had one child at the time—lived only twenty minutes away. We belonged to a good church, had some wonderful friends, and loved our neighborhood.

To accept the new job would mean moving to Colorado and leaving all we had known as a young family. There’d be some tears if we took on the challenge of a new job in a new city and state.

That was a lot of upheaval to consider.

As a complicating factor, we were expecting at any time the birth of a second child.

Weighing the opportunity, we sought counsel from trusted friends. After considerable prayer and thought, we decided to go for it.

Within hours of making the decision, Dena went into labor. In fact, Seth was born just eight hours after I called to accept the offer to join the Focus on the Family broadcast team. Six weeks later, I was in Colorado starting the new job.

And today, September 13, marks my 20th anniversary with the organization. The time has flown!

I’m so grateful for the opportunity to work at Focus, and haven’t regretted the tumultuous move we made to be here in Colorado. I thank God for the many great things that I’ve experienced these past two decades!  Of course, I thank my wife Dena for faithfully supporting and praying for me through these years. I’ll also offer a public thank you to the many who have helped me grow and serve more effectively at Focus. I’ve served under some superb leaders!

Now, let me get a tissue to wipe my eyes…

NOTE: The above thoughts are adapted from the last chapter (“Blink!”) of my book, First Time Dad, The Stuff You Really Need To Know. Download the first chapter, and find additional material, from the links to the right side of this blog. It is available in paperback and e-reader formats, and I’ll have an audio book out soon, as well.

And, as I consider the past 20 years at Focus, five quick reflections:

  1. There have been lots of hellos and goodbyes. Staff, guests, friends in the business. Transitions are part of life, aren’t they?
  2. I’m surrounded by truly amazing people. My co-workers have heart, depth, commitment, passion, business savvy, wisdom, talent, and a love for Christ that are really inspiring!
  3. God has shown Focus on the Family incredible favor, with outstanding open doors, audiences, partnerships and impact. Literally thousands of lives are changed through Focus on the Family every year.
  4. My favorite times include our in-studio conversations with guests, and meeting friends (and partners) of the ministry. There are so many terrific people who have a desire to help families!
  5. The most gratifying aspect of my work over the years has been the opportunity to share the Good News with folks, knowing God is reaping an eternal harvest through us. I am humbled to know He sends our radio programming around the world, and that many broadcasts have helped individuals better understand His grace and mercy in Christ. Awesome!

Help For Blended Families

Blended families present husbands, wives, moms, dads, and children – regardless of age – special opportunities and difficulties. A lot of angst, emotion…and special graces can be seen in the “mashing together” of individuals into a family.  At the Focus Marriage Forum, the most active conversation centers around blended families, kids and priorities.

Today’s Focus radio program addresses blended families. Our guests, Danny and Rayna Ortlie, speak openly about the joys – and challenges – of their rather unique situation. By the way, Danny’s book, Mommy Paints The Sky, is a tender account of his the marriage to and loss of his first wife, and how God graciously brought Rayna into his life.

Struggling with tough issues in your family? You’ll find a helpful list of trusted resources here. If you’d prefer to talk with someone, Focus on the Family Help Center counselors are here to listen and pray with you. You can arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time. Last year this compassionate team helped 66,000 individuals – so be aware that you’ll probably need to leave your name and number for a counselor to return your call.

Escaping the Kids

I doubt that he anticipated the response when he wrote about it on his blog. Obviously, though, my colleague (and boss) Focus President Jim Daly touched a nerve when he shared his thoughts about McDain’s Restaurant and Golf Center in Monroeville, Pennsylvania. The eatery had just recently implemented a new rule that  bans children under the age of six. There was some press coverage about the policy, sparking some sharp comments.

Some parents were offended. How dare a business ban children! Others – even parents, or perhaps especially parents – said they are fine with a “kid free” zone, where they can enjoy a meal without a crying child (maybe even their own!).

Here’s the link. Read Jim’s thoughts, and if you have a few minutes, browse the comments by his readers – almost 900 people have weighed in so far!

And tell me: Do you favor a place where you can “escape kids?” Or do you find a rule like the one at McDain’s offensive?

By the way, I’m for a business being able to exclude kids. Even my own.

New Study: Dad Matters

My colleague Glenn Stanton has a piece in National Review Online in which he summarizes some new research about the importance of fathers. Here’s how he frames the findings:

The bad news: More children are living without the tremendous advantage of having daily access to their fathers in the home.

The good news: Of those who do have a father in their home, their dads are 2.5 times more likely to be closely involved in their children’s care than live-in fathers were in the 1960s.

It seems a new generation of dads are more involved than ever in the lives of their young children. Unfortunately, there are fewer men living at home with those children.

The good news for those fathers who are trying their best:

“These (latest) results appear to fit with previous findings indicating that pro-social behaviors such as altruism and generosity in children were related to active involvement in child care by fathers.”

In other words, Dad, you DO make a difference, especially in the long run, in shaping your child’s character and values. At times the parenting role is exhausting. Moms – and Dads – get tired from the constant training and on-going challenges. Take hope, however, that you are making a difference! Let me encourage you to show up and give parenting your best today!

Parents: Show Up

I had to read the letter published in the paper a second time. Had I gotten that right?

Really?

“Dear Abby: I am a 12 year-old girl who is dating a senior boy in high school. One night, we went to a party and then back to his place. His parents and sister were out of town, and he was really drunk. As soon as we got to his house, he started drinking again. That led to a big fight. I was literally walking out the door when he grabbed me and told me if I ever leave him, he’ll hunt me down and kill me!” Scared in NC

I have a 12 year-old daughter. I cannot fathom allowing her to be dating, let alone handing her off to some 17 or 18 year-old guy. I hoped Abby’s reply would reflect a bit of my anger…and it did just that.

“Dear Scared, Tell your parents or guardian about the young man’s threat. You are too young to deal with this yourself and to be dating a boy that much older than you. He clearly has problems and not enough supervision – and the same is true of you.”

That’s a disturbing letter, and while it was in the newspaper back a few years ago, it reflects a trend in parenting that I find appalling. Maybe we should call it “not showing up” parenting.

What in the world are that poor girl’s parents thinking? Why in the world would they let her “date” a guy five or six years older than her? Why is she even dating at age 12? What’s going on?

We live in a world in which parents are disengaged and hands-off. We live in a world in which kids have more freedoms – and face more dangerous influences – than ever before. We live in a world in which cultural pressures abound, influencing our parenting decisions and necessarily influencing the kinds of adults our children will become.

My friend, Janet Parshall, speaking to a crowd of concerned parents, said that their clear responsibility – a mandate from God – is to train their children. In essence, she said:

If you don’t work to pass along your values to your children, the culture will!

There’s a lot of truth in Janet’s clarion call to latch onto and own the responsibility to raise our kids with intentionality. As parents we MUST be active – relentless, really – in the spiritual training of our children.

We are responsible to pass along a passion for God to our children, and we are to be intentional about that process, as Deuteronomy 6: 6-7 clearly indicates:

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Impress.

Talk.

Walk.

Lie down, get up.

Note that there are a lot of verbs in these two verses.

This is action-oriented stuff. This isn’t an optional, work-it-into-your-busy-schedule-if-you-can suggestion. This isn’t a call to be a passive parent. Instead, it is a charge to have an on going, continual, interaction with your child about your God.

What are you doing – today – to ensure that your kids are going to have a constant exposure to your faith, and to learn about God? What’s one thing you can do this very day to make sure that your values are being communicated to – and grabbed onto by – your child?

As a parent, are you going to show up today?

Parents: Assess The Past

If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will. Every parent does.

It is a rather abrupt, startling, odd sense. You stop for just a moment.

“I sound just like my dad.”

Or, “That was just how my mom would have done it.”

“Where’d THAT come from?”

For good or bad, we’re products of our parents and their personal characteristics. We tend to emulate – intentionally or not – the approach to raising kids that we saw modeled as we grew up. If they were strict in discipline, we’re likely to be the same with our kids. If they were “strong, silent” types who didn’t engage with children, we’re prone to continue that legacy. If they nurtured and showed grace, our own kids are probably going to experience that in their lives, as well.

If you are about to become a parent, or are fairly new to the role, it is important to recognize that heritage you’ve received (whether you like it or not).

Understanding who you are – and why – is a critical first step in being a better dad.

Now, some of us have or had a good relationship with our parents. For others, that relationship is strained. For some, it was broken so early, or irretrievably, that there’s just nothing there. Still, like some dormant illness the patterns are there, the tendency is just waiting to be repeated.

What to do? Well, Ken Canfield is an expert on fathering, and he suggests the following six questions to determine what baggage you’re bringing into your role as a new dad (full article here).

  1. In reflecting on your relationship to your father or father figure, how would you describe his support of you?
  2. Did he regularly show you affection?
  3. Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  4. Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  5. Did he abuse you or another family member?
  6. Would you say he was a good example?

I’m glad for these questions that Ken raised. They are good starting points to help you consider who you are – and “from whence you came.”

The past does affect the present, and if you’re going to choose the right future, you need to understand the road you’ve been traveling. On the Focus on the Family radio program we addressed the issue of baggage, and other facets of fathering, as we talked about my new book, First Time Dad. Listen here.

Download the first chapter, get the discussion guide, read my “Ten Friendly Warnings” for new dads and buy the book by clicking on the links to your right.

Connecting With Focus

“Why am I here? Because Focus on the Family has been part of my life for the past 20 years. You’ve helped me in my marriage and in raising my kids. I’m grateful for all Focus has done, and it just seemed like I had to be here today!”

It is something we hear frequently. Focus on the Family is indeed a special ministry, and God has enabled us to really connect with people in many deep ways. That comment was from a woman I met while in Vancouver, BC last weekend for the dedication of a new headquarters for Focus on the Family Canada.

The new building – paid for at move-in! – is phenomenal in every way, but as I told FOF Canada president Terence Rolston, what really makes the place special is the staff. Energetic, enthusiastic, dedicated to the mission and obviously appreciative of and affectionate toward each other, the folks who make up Focus Canada are a terrific group.

During Friday’s ribbon cutting ceremony, a private banquet that evening and then during Saturday’s open house, I met some wonderful friends of the ministry. There were some folks who flew across the country to participate in the events. One family we greeted drove 10 hours to the Vancouver area. A woman I met said she made a four hour drive to join the festivities. Along the way there were many similar reminders of the doors God has opened for Focus to speak into the lives of men and women, boys and girls.

Why do folks feel such a connection to Focus? I believe it is God’s doing, a response to our prayers that He use our efforts in significant ways. We ask Him often to touch lives through what we do.

Every day we hear reports and stories about just that – ways in which Focus has been used by God to make a lasting impact on someone.Here’s a particularly poignant account of a life changed:

“I am one of Focus on the Family’s silent supporters. I’m silent in the sense that you don’t know that I’m here, but I am. I first heard your program on the radio when I was an eighteen-year-old runaway. Your broadcast, and others like it, helped me to return to my faith and family. I am now reconciled with my family (which I thank God came about before my father’s sudden death), happily married, and expecting our first child. Your wisdom and guidance have been invaluable to me over the years. As I have struggled to reestablish my faith, you have provided a refreshing guide to ‘practical’ Christianity that I have desperately needed.”

If God has used Focus in YOUR life, would you please let us know? Make a comment below. Visit our Facebook page and leave a story (or at the least, “Like” us). Call us (800-232-6459). Or drop a note to Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995. (if you are in Canada, our contact info is here).

Finally, as this is really a spiritual effort, would you please pray with us? We have specific ways you can pray for Focus on the Family here.

Thanks again to the talented, hard-working staff in our Canada office, to the many who participated in the events last week, and most of all, to God for His on-going goodness and work.

Father’s Day Contest Winners

Thank you to everyone who entered the First Time Dad contest! It was great to hear your questions and stories about first-time parenthood.

Congratulations to the contest winners!

Daily winners received an autographed copy of my new book First Time Dad:

Jerry
Angel
Paul
Lori
Timothy
Kayse
Shirley 

And now, announcing the grand prize winner: 

JORDAN

will receive a first-time dad tool belt, an autographed copy of First Time Dad, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, a Starbucks gift card, and a Ryrie ESV Bible.

And as you celebrate Father’s Day tomorrow, I want to encourage you with some favorite verses:

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon. 

“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

God bless!

Dads and Work

(And in honor of the upcoming holiday on Sunday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?

My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.

“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”

I was stunned by the revelation. I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and to be available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.

For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin building their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to home. All too often, work wins out.

What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? Famed Christian scholar C.S. Lewis offered this insight:

Men tell not only their wives but themselves that it is a hardship to stay late at the office or the school on some bit of important extra work. But it is not quite true. It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, “Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow” … A terrible bore … Ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons, but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.

There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids, but a fear of being deemed insignificant is, sadly, very high on the list.

A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.

Fatherhood, on the other hand, rarely offers measurable results or clear indicators of success, and the payoff for all that effort may not come for many years. 

So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task. The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.

Listen to John Fuller talk more about being a dad on Part 1 and Part 2 of the broadcast titled “New Dads: Embracing the Journey Ahead.”

This article first appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was originally titled “Tug-of-Work.” Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com

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