Time Changes Things

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

The late Andy Warhol said that, but is it really true? I’ve found that time DOES change many things.

For instance, late last month the toll of time caught up with my father-in-law, who had battled serious physical declines for several years. Having lived a full life for many, many years, and nearing his 90th birthday, his body started to shut down just before Christmas.

Finally, on December 31st he passed away.

Time caught up with him, and in an instant everything changed.

Richard was a good man, a great husband and father, and loved by many for his many fine qualities. He was a man of faith, and of deeply held values. He lived out those core beliefs daily, showing decency, generosity, integrity, loyalty and love to everyone around him.  He was an example to many, and we miss him dearly.

The past several years, though, left him chiefly unable to interact with others. A series of medical challenges took away his strength, mobility, and his vitality. Contrary to Mr. Warhol’s observation about changing things ourselves, Richard was unable to change that physical brokenness. I’m quite certain that if he could have, he would have done so! He would have gone golfing, fishing and hunting again. he would have gone to church, for a visit with friends, for a bite out. He could not overcome his unwilling flesh. Time, however, changed what the man couldn’t.

On that Saturday morning, the last day of 2011, Richard’s body finally gave up and his spirit left “this old world” for an eternity with God. He experienced a release from the sorrow and pain, the burdens of this life. The truth of eternity became his reality in an instant. Time released Richard from the shackles of this life, and freed him to enjoy life in heaven forevermore.

As we start a new year, many of us seek to improve. We make resolutions. We endeavor to lose weight, curtail spending, get our priorities in line, be a better employees. We try to do what Warhol suggested: change things. I’m not against personal improvement. I’ve got some parts of my life I’d like to get better at. But what if we find time changes things for us?

Psalm 139:16 says that all of our days were ordained and written in God’s book before one of those days ever came to be. God knows what this day holds, and what external forces will do to me. He is working His plan for our lives each moment, even when we don’t see His hand. We live in a world made up of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. And I believe that God is the giver of every moment of our lives. Ultimately, He sets the dates of our birth and our death. Albert Einstein said that

To know time as gift is to know that its basic rhythms and inevitable passing are beyond our control. And to know time as gift is to recognize time as the setting within which we also receive God’s other gifts, including the fruits of nature and the companionship of one another.

Perhaps in the coming year I’ll try a little less to make changes, and try a little more to see how time makes change happen. At the start of 2012, may time be a gift to you. May it change things you cannot. And may you see every day as one ordained long ago by God…a gift from His hand.

Top Five Books – I Didn’t Read – For 2011

In the spirit of the season, with everyone and his brother making “Top This” and “Top That” lists of new and notable items in the past twelve months, I humbly offer my own list. Here are the five books I didn’t read in 2011 – but wish I would have. Don’t misunderstand – I like books, have a lot of them, and seem to receive new ones almost daily from publishers and friends. I cannot read every book on my shelves, and at times feel guilty for having so many unread books. Still, there are many good books I intend to read…some day.

So, the following are the starting point for a “Top Books of 2012 – Which I Actually Read” list…which I’ll try to post in about twelve months.

  1. All is Grace, Brennan Manning  – Memoirs of a fascinating man who found God’s grace…everywhere. I am eager to get to know Manning better.
  2. Prayer, Philip Yancey – Started, just need to finish this fine book. Philip has been a favorite writer since I started reading his columns in Campus Life magazine during high school. That’s quite a long time!
  3. The New Testament – Various (human) authors. Chuck Swindoll has challenged believers to read through the New Testament this year. I think that’s a great idea – and plan to add in the Psalms and Proverbs, as well (see this reading plan). Why not join me?
  4. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy’s epic. If three of my kids have read it, why haven’t I?
  5. The Meaning Of Marriage, Tim Keller – We’ll be interviewing Tim and his wife Kathy for a Focus broadcast soon, and I am always glad for an opportunity to read this wise man’s perspective on life.

I’ll try to gather up the best books I’ve read this past year in a future post. Meantime, what books are on your “didn’t read – yet” list?

ADDENDUM: Just today Danny Heitman writes in the Wall Street Journal (subscribers only, sorry) about this very matter. I appreciated his perspective, which affords some comfort:

The truly cultured, (author Gabriel Zaid) says, “are capable of owning thousands of unread books without losing their composure or desire for more.”

Further, Heitman adds,

Unread books…can be noble evidence of aspirations not yet met but still worth embracing.

Somehow, such thinking gives me permission to go through those stacks of books which I have not yet cracked open, or which was started but never finished, on bookshelves both at home and at work, and dare to pick one up…and read.

Here’s to a growing collection of unread books, and to a year ahead of great reading!

Advice For First Time Dads

I’m very pleased that the Focus on the Family radio program about my book, First Time Dad, re-airs today as part of the “Best of 2011″ series. What a privilege to share from my own experiences with new fathers. Here’s a reflection on some early memories as we anticipated the arrival of our first child.

If you visit the Amtrak level of New York City’s Penn Station, you’ll notice a large schedule board that hangs from the ceiling. At rush hour, crowds gather there, sometimes several people deep, to await their train’s track assignment. People are eager to make a beeline for the train to get a good seat. Just prior to the boarding announcement, a voice bellows from the speakers: “Ready! Ready! Ready! Ready!” The passengers grab their bags and brace themselves for the sprint downstairs.

That’s a lot how we felt in those days leading up to Dakota’s arrival. We were ready. Our bags were packed, and we had one in each hand.

If having a child is akin to a college final, we were prepared to ace the exam. Within months we were set to take on the biggest responsibility we’d ever known, the most significant work a person can do. We knew that raising a child is a fearful and wonderful job, one that never really ends, but one for which we were as prepared as we could be.

Or so we thought.

Simply thinking, reading, and talking about our new roles of dad and mom wasn’t enough. Looking back, I realize just how little I really knew about being a dad when our firstborn entered the world.

If you’re feeling confident, or even if you have some reservations, about becoming a new parent, I’ll encourage you to listen to the conversation, download the free materials (over there on the right side of this page) and maybe even get a copy of my book.

And maybe you can share a story from your early parenting experiences here in the comments section? Thanks!

“Glory,” Michael W. Smith’s New Release

I’m listening right now to a review copy of Michael W. Smith’s new instrumental album, “Glory.” It is a beautiful mix of reflection, inspiration and calm.

There are a number of tracks that seem to be right from a film score (Forever, Glory Battle). Others stand alone as songs that seem to be borne out of a quiet moment the composer enjoyed with God (Joy Follows Suffering, The Blessing). The final track is one you likely already know, “Agnus Dei,” with a refreshing new take on the melody.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be hearing this a lot in the days ahead. Every morning my wife spends her devotional time curled up, Bible, journal and cup of tea in hand. She also has some meditative instrumental music playing softly in the room. “Glory” is going to be a most welcome addition to her collection – one that is certainly going to be a favorite in our home, enjoyed when we need to refresh, retreat and reflect.

Pre-order “Glory” here.

 

Taking A Look Ahead

Looking ahead...what do you see?

It was loaded on my iPod, and while I had heard it dozens of times – often cranked up loud on my first “real” stereo system back in my college days – I’m not sure I ever really listened to the lyrics. That particular morning, though, as I walked along the road in the middle of Gunnison County, surrounded by beautiful mountains and enjoying some solitude, I listened and heard the meaning of the song. And on this lovely day I thought they were pretty profound.

Back in 1976 the band Boston released their debut album. It was a highly successful project. An ardent follower of the pop and rock music scene, I played this album a lot — probably a hundred times a year. One song, “Peace of Mind,” has been a staple for classic rock stations, and I’ve heard it often over the years.

I’m not sure why I never noticed the point of “Peace of Mind” prior to this particular morning walk. Despite my familiarity with the guitar riffs and even the chorus, for some reason I had never dialed into the meaning of the lyrics. As I enjoyed the sunshine and trees, though, the message came through clearly. And it grabbed me! I found myself completely agreeing with lead singer Brad Delp as he sang with conviction:

Now you’re climbin’ to the top of the company ladder

Hope it doesn’t take too long

Can’tcha see there’ll come a day when it won’t matter

Come a day when you’ll be gone

~

I understand about indecision

But I don’t care if I get behind

People livin’ in competition

All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead. Look ahead.

Walking along that rural highway with my iPod cranked up, it suddenly seemed as though Solomon had packaged one of his proverbial sayings or a line from his ancient writings in Ecclesiastes to some good electric guitar and driving drums. There were timeless themes that are as relevant today as they were back in the 70s. Notions of success, competition, climbing the corporate ladder, striving to get ahead…that’s what Delp was singing about. And I realized there was – and is – an application for my life from this song.

Chasing after temporal values, wrestling with decisions about where we invest our time and energies, overlooking internal peace as we go for the gold…these are ultimately empty and meaningless pursuits.

When we look at what really matters, considering matters with a more eternal perspective, it becomes clear that a lot of what we value is temporal in nature. Unfortunately, as well, is that much of what we ignore or at least treat with less enthusiasm and respect is really quite important. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong in working hard and doing well, but misplaced priorities can sidetrack us from the really meaningful aspects of life.

So, I need to stop and take a look ahead. Look down the road and consider what I believe is important. Will it last?

Will my efforts last into eternity?

In some ways, the work I do at Focus will last. It has an eternal message, and many lives around the world have been touched by our radio efforts. This is a great job, and I am deeply grateful for it. However, as I told Dena last night, “I’m not irreplaceable.”

In the ten years I’ve been co-host of the Focus on the Family radio program, I’ve only missed being on a handful of broadcasts. But in my absence…”the show must go on” – and it does. Whether I am here or not, our team produces great programming, and if someone needs to handle my duties while I am away, they get that taken care of. I’m replaceable at work.

But, as I tell folks with some frequency, despite the joys and fulfillment I find here at Focus, my REAL job is right at home as a husband and father. In these roles I am irreplaceable. I’m the guy. There isn’t a substitute. The responsibility to love my wife and kids is solely mine. It isn’t something someone else can step in and do until I get back.

How about you? You work hard, and you might have a great job. But its temporal compared to the eternal investment you are called to make in your family.

Are you taking a look ahead? Taking a “long view” of things, and making sure your priorities are right? It’s not too late…

Reflections

Beautiful view - and time to think - at 12,000 feet on top of Bowers Peak in Seguache County, Colorado.

Where’ve you been?

In the past month I’ve been to Delaware, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland, Washington DC, and Dallas, Texas. I had a few days at home to recover and prep between several of those trips, although during one particularly busy season I was home for only 12 hours before heading again to the airport. I kept a suitcase at-the-ready for the past several weeks!

I’m grateful for God’s grace while gone so much: For safety and patience in traveling, for keeping me healthy despite all the airplanes and running, productive meetings and conversations, and that my wife and children somehow survived the grueling schedule and my absence.

In the midst of that hectic pace, I did have quiet moments for reflection and prayer. I thought about life, relationships, priorities. I prayed for my family, co-workers, friends and for myself, too. Most of that quieter time took place far, far away from airports and hotels.

Just a week ago Saturday my second son, Seth (that’s him in the picture) enjoyed some peace and refreshment in a spectacular setting. Along with some friends, we had gotten up at 4:30 or so to hike to the top of Bowers Peak, a mountain surrounded by tremendous expanses and scenery. As we watched three moose in a meadow below us, the sun came up and we sat quietly for almost an hour, not really speaking, just drinking in the glorious beauty of God’s creation. It was a special shared moment, one I won’t soon forget.

It is good to be still. I don’t stop long enough, usually, to listen to the sounds of the wind and wildlife. To absorb the sunshine and enjoy its warmth and brightness. To feel my fingers get a bit numb from the cold and to thank God for the way He designed our bodies – and for warm gloves. To be away from electronics and the distractions of calendars and email.

Somehow last week we slowed down enough to be be still and to know that He is God. And it was very, very good to do so.

As we leave autumn behind and head into the busy Thanksgiving and then Christmas seasons, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I capture some of the same “down time” we experienced in the mountains. I think it makes me a better husband, father and man. In fact, I’ve already penciled in a few days of out-of-office time so I can keep the right perspective on life.

Let me encourage you to do likewise.

He’s Pretty Busy

Lately, Zane’s been struggling a bit with telling the truth. This is pretty typical for kids, of course. But this boy does make some rather unbelievable statements. Sometimes I just wonder what is going on in his little brain. He can come up with some real zingers!

Yesterday in church Gwen came up to share about an interesting conversation she had during Sunday School. In all seriousness, Zane told her,

” Justin Bieber is my brother.”

Now, Gwen knows our family, and she knows Zane. She was a bit puzzled by this statement, though. Before  she could reply, he continued:

“Yeah. He doesn’t come around much, because he’s pretty busy going around singing and stuff.”

Ah, of course.

I was wondering why I haven’t seen Justin around the house for some time…

Choose The Good Path

In Colorado, where our family makes its home, there are fifty-four “14ers” (mountains 14,000 feet or higher). Some outdoor enthusiasts make it a goal to climb all fifty-four. I recently heard about one man who was climbing Mount Princeton with his son.

As they neared the summit and the father scanned the trail, the boy shouted out from behind,

“Choose the good path, Dad; I’m coming right behind you!”

That little fellow was instinctively reminding his dad to live the words of Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV).

Or consider the apostle Paul’s blunt admonition to the members of the church at Ephesus:

“Fathers,” he said, “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).

Isn’t that the whole point? You don’t want to be a good father just for the sake of being a good father. You want to be a good father because you want to teach your son how to be a good man!

As I’ve worked at being an intentional, engaged dad, one of the more effective tools I’ve used is a milestone event to mark the various passages of life.

When my boys hit age eleven or so, I took them off for a special weekend to get ready for the turbulence of the adolescent years. We enjoyed some great guy time, with outdoor adventures, good food and some special times of father-son instruction.

Dena and I commemorated their 14th birthdays with a adults-only special dinner. Spending the evening with a few select couples, enjoying some great steaks and conversation, I charged them to be men of God. It was a casual – and quite Christian – adaptation of a bar mitzvah.

At 18 we celebrated high school graduation and the official start to their adult lives. I read some Scriptures, we gave them some small gifts, and we all turned the corner to their journey on the road of life.

If you strive to be a good model for your kids, and if you want to really make their transition to adulthood meaningful – and memorable – there are some great resources. A new book, Rite of Passage, written by Jim McBride, caught my attention. Jim is the executive producer of the films released by Sherwood Pictures (he pastors at Sherwood Baptist Church). Their newest project, Courageous, is in theaters September 30.

Father to four children, Jim has lived out a powerful approach to setting his kids on a right path. A good path.

What I liked about Rite of Passage is the way it records Jim’s dedication to his daughters and son, and to his God. He planned and then held ceremonies to mark the maturing of his kids, and to help them know God’s intent for their lives, as they became adults. He worked hard, and succeeded in bringing together memories messages involving significant people in his children’s lives.

The book is easy to read, full of personal anecdotes and quotes. Jim includes practical suggestions, and even tackles some common challenges in setting out to mark your child’s road to adulthood.

I was really glad to read this book right now because in our family we’ll celebrate yet another 16th birthday in just a few months. Our fourth child, a beloved daughter, will hit “Sweet Sixteen,” and we want to make sure we celebrate richly. Even though in previous years we’ve marked the occasion for her three older siblings, or perhaps because we have done so, this girl needs something really special. Jim McBride has given me some great ideas to incorporate as we begin planning!

Dad, you love your kids. You long to model “the good path” for your kids. Get a dose of inspiration from out Courageous – and Rite of Passage.

And, if you’re a new father, grab the free download of chapter one from my book, First Time Dad, from the sidebar on the right. Maybe it’ll encourage you in these early days of parenting.

A Rich Twenty

A favorite memory from our final days in Tyler. My oldest child, age three at the time, walking with my niece.

In late July 1991, I was pondering a job change. I was happy with managing two Christian radio stations in Texas. Our circumstances were close to ideal. We lived two blocks from my wife’s sister and her family. One set of grandparents—we had one child at the time—lived only twenty minutes away. We belonged to a good church, had some wonderful friends, and loved our neighborhood.

To accept the new job would mean moving to Colorado and leaving all we had known as a young family. There’d be some tears if we took on the challenge of a new job in a new city and state.

That was a lot of upheaval to consider.

As a complicating factor, we were expecting at any time the birth of a second child.

Weighing the opportunity, we sought counsel from trusted friends. After considerable prayer and thought, we decided to go for it.

Within hours of making the decision, Dena went into labor. In fact, Seth was born just eight hours after I called to accept the offer to join the Focus on the Family broadcast team. Six weeks later, I was in Colorado starting the new job.

And today, September 13, marks my 20th anniversary with the organization. The time has flown!

I’m so grateful for the opportunity to work at Focus, and haven’t regretted the tumultuous move we made to be here in Colorado. I thank God for the many great things that I’ve experienced these past two decades!  Of course, I thank my wife Dena for faithfully supporting and praying for me through these years. I’ll also offer a public thank you to the many who have helped me grow and serve more effectively at Focus. I’ve served under some superb leaders!

Now, let me get a tissue to wipe my eyes…

NOTE: The above thoughts are adapted from the last chapter (“Blink!”) of my book, First Time Dad, The Stuff You Really Need To Know. Download the first chapter, and find additional material, from the links to the right side of this blog. It is available in paperback and e-reader formats, and I’ll have an audio book out soon, as well.

And, as I consider the past 20 years at Focus, five quick reflections:

  1. There have been lots of hellos and goodbyes. Staff, guests, friends in the business. Transitions are part of life, aren’t they?
  2. I’m surrounded by truly amazing people. My co-workers have heart, depth, commitment, passion, business savvy, wisdom, talent, and a love for Christ that are really inspiring!
  3. God has shown Focus on the Family incredible favor, with outstanding open doors, audiences, partnerships and impact. Literally thousands of lives are changed through Focus on the Family every year.
  4. My favorite times include our in-studio conversations with guests, and meeting friends (and partners) of the ministry. There are so many terrific people who have a desire to help families!
  5. The most gratifying aspect of my work over the years has been the opportunity to share the Good News with folks, knowing God is reaping an eternal harvest through us. I am humbled to know He sends our radio programming around the world, and that many broadcasts have helped individuals better understand His grace and mercy in Christ. Awesome!

Dads and Work

(And in honor of the upcoming holiday on Sunday, click here for more details about my Father’s Day contest!)

When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?

My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.

“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”

I was stunned by the revelation. I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and to be available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.

For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin building their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to home. All too often, work wins out.

What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? Famed Christian scholar C.S. Lewis offered this insight:

Men tell not only their wives but themselves that it is a hardship to stay late at the office or the school on some bit of important extra work. But it is not quite true. It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, “Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow” … A terrible bore … Ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons, but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.

There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids, but a fear of being deemed insignificant is, sadly, very high on the list.

A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.

Fatherhood, on the other hand, rarely offers measurable results or clear indicators of success, and the payoff for all that effort may not come for many years. 

So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task. The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.

Listen to John Fuller talk more about being a dad on Part 1 and Part 2 of the broadcast titled “New Dads: Embracing the Journey Ahead.”

This article first appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was originally titled “Tug-of-Work.” Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com

Next Page →