Impact of Fatherlessness

I just spent a delightful weekend away with my family. We were away in the mountains, with no internet, and lots of time together. It was great! We played games, talked, and relaxed as a family. I tried to spend individual time with each of the five who made it (our oldest lives on the East Coast), and was grateful for the meaningful ways we connected. With the warmth of the weekend on my heart and mind, earlier today I was reflecting on some startling stats about kids who don’t have a dad in their lives.

Did you know the United States is the world’s leader in fatherless homes? The impact is breathtaking: 63 percent of youth suicides come from fatherless homes, and 75 percent of all adolescent patients in drug treatment centers come from homes without a dad.

In his book, It’s Better to Build Boys than Mend Men, Truett Cathy offers some other insights about the trouble children from fatherless homes experience. They are:

• 5 times more likely to commit suicide.

• 32 times more likely to run away.

• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

• 14 times more likely to commit rape.

• 9 times more likely to drop out of school.

• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.

• 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.

• 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

Such revelations should drive every wayward father home and cause every dad teetering on divorce to do whatever he can to salvage his marriage.

And if you ARE home, Dad, those statistics should push you to spend time – quality and quantity time – time with your children. You should do that because it is the right thing. Because your child needs you. And because it is wonderfully rewarding!

Have a little boy? Or maybe a teen boy? For a father who really wants to shape his son’s future, let me suggest there is an outstanding set of resources from my friend Robert Lewis. His book, Raising A Modern Day Knight, has been wonderfully helpful to me in bringing up three boys, and I’ve recommended it for years. Additionally, let me suggest a cool – free! – smartphone app to help you be more intentional in training your boy to become a man of integrity with a rock-solid faith. Find a link to some videos, as well – check out these resources and hear an interview with Robert Lewis right here.

I might also add that regardless of your stage of parenting, in my book First Time Dad I tried to capture some of the common challenges – and joys – every father, especially new dads, encounter.  Intended to encourage and inspire, the book reflects my experiences as a Dad for the past 23 years. You might consider it as an early Father’s Day present?

 

Top Five Books – I Didn’t Read – For 2011

In the spirit of the season, with everyone and his brother making “Top This” and “Top That” lists of new and notable items in the past twelve months, I humbly offer my own list. Here are the five books I didn’t read in 2011 – but wish I would have. Don’t misunderstand – I like books, have a lot of them, and seem to receive new ones almost daily from publishers and friends. I cannot read every book on my shelves, and at times feel guilty for having so many unread books. Still, there are many good books I intend to read…some day.

So, the following are the starting point for a “Top Books of 2012 – Which I Actually Read” list…which I’ll try to post in about twelve months.

  1. All is Grace, Brennan Manning  – Memoirs of a fascinating man who found God’s grace…everywhere. I am eager to get to know Manning better.
  2. Prayer, Philip Yancey – Started, just need to finish this fine book. Philip has been a favorite writer since I started reading his columns in Campus Life magazine during high school. That’s quite a long time!
  3. The New Testament – Various (human) authors. Chuck Swindoll has challenged believers to read through the New Testament this year. I think that’s a great idea – and plan to add in the Psalms and Proverbs, as well (see this reading plan). Why not join me?
  4. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy’s epic. If three of my kids have read it, why haven’t I?
  5. The Meaning Of Marriage, Tim Keller – We’ll be interviewing Tim and his wife Kathy for a Focus broadcast soon, and I am always glad for an opportunity to read this wise man’s perspective on life.

I’ll try to gather up the best books I’ve read this past year in a future post. Meantime, what books are on your “didn’t read – yet” list?

ADDENDUM: Just today Danny Heitman writes in the Wall Street Journal (subscribers only, sorry) about this very matter. I appreciated his perspective, which affords some comfort:

The truly cultured, (author Gabriel Zaid) says, “are capable of owning thousands of unread books without losing their composure or desire for more.”

Further, Heitman adds,

Unread books…can be noble evidence of aspirations not yet met but still worth embracing.

Somehow, such thinking gives me permission to go through those stacks of books which I have not yet cracked open, or which was started but never finished, on bookshelves both at home and at work, and dare to pick one up…and read.

Here’s to a growing collection of unread books, and to a year ahead of great reading!

Penn State and Doing The Right Thing

Despite knowing Jim Daly for 20 years, I had never heard about the encounter, which happened when he was only 10 years old. And when Jim shared that short personal story on today’s Focus on the Family radio program, I was rather shocked. It revealed yet another reason why he is such a passionate advocate for children.

Tune in on your local radio station, or listen here, and you’ll also hear some unique perspectives about the Penn State situation from our guests Bob and Dannah Gresh. They live in State College, PA and also have a son who is a student at Penn State.  They’ll tell about the reaction of the local community, and offer insights about the need for every one of us to stand up and do the right thing when we see — or even when we suspect — evil-doing.

Finally, Focus on the Family offers counseling and resources for those who were a victim of childhood sexual abuse. You’ll find those, along with blog entries from Jim, Dannah and others about Penn State, right here and also here.

 

Inspiring Adoption Advocates

John and Kelly Rosati have adopted four children through foster care. They’ve traveled an incredible road, full of challenges and joys. They don’t sugarcoat the difficulties, nor do they despair. They are inspiring advocates for orphan care, and you can listen to their story right here.

 

New Study: Dad Matters

My colleague Glenn Stanton has a piece in National Review Online in which he summarizes some new research about the importance of fathers. Here’s how he frames the findings:

The bad news: More children are living without the tremendous advantage of having daily access to their fathers in the home.

The good news: Of those who do have a father in their home, their dads are 2.5 times more likely to be closely involved in their children’s care than live-in fathers were in the 1960s.

It seems a new generation of dads are more involved than ever in the lives of their young children. Unfortunately, there are fewer men living at home with those children.

The good news for those fathers who are trying their best:

“These (latest) results appear to fit with previous findings indicating that pro-social behaviors such as altruism and generosity in children were related to active involvement in child care by fathers.”

In other words, Dad, you DO make a difference, especially in the long run, in shaping your child’s character and values. At times the parenting role is exhausting. Moms – and Dads – get tired from the constant training and on-going challenges. Take hope, however, that you are making a difference! Let me encourage you to show up and give parenting your best today!

Parents: Show Up

I had to read the letter published in the paper a second time. Had I gotten that right?

Really?

“Dear Abby: I am a 12 year-old girl who is dating a senior boy in high school. One night, we went to a party and then back to his place. His parents and sister were out of town, and he was really drunk. As soon as we got to his house, he started drinking again. That led to a big fight. I was literally walking out the door when he grabbed me and told me if I ever leave him, he’ll hunt me down and kill me!” Scared in NC

I have a 12 year-old daughter. I cannot fathom allowing her to be dating, let alone handing her off to some 17 or 18 year-old guy. I hoped Abby’s reply would reflect a bit of my anger…and it did just that.

“Dear Scared, Tell your parents or guardian about the young man’s threat. You are too young to deal with this yourself and to be dating a boy that much older than you. He clearly has problems and not enough supervision – and the same is true of you.”

That’s a disturbing letter, and while it was in the newspaper back a few years ago, it reflects a trend in parenting that I find appalling. Maybe we should call it “not showing up” parenting.

What in the world are that poor girl’s parents thinking? Why in the world would they let her “date” a guy five or six years older than her? Why is she even dating at age 12? What’s going on?

We live in a world in which parents are disengaged and hands-off. We live in a world in which kids have more freedoms – and face more dangerous influences – than ever before. We live in a world in which cultural pressures abound, influencing our parenting decisions and necessarily influencing the kinds of adults our children will become.

My friend, Janet Parshall, speaking to a crowd of concerned parents, said that their clear responsibility – a mandate from God – is to train their children. In essence, she said:

If you don’t work to pass along your values to your children, the culture will!

There’s a lot of truth in Janet’s clarion call to latch onto and own the responsibility to raise our kids with intentionality. As parents we MUST be active – relentless, really – in the spiritual training of our children.

We are responsible to pass along a passion for God to our children, and we are to be intentional about that process, as Deuteronomy 6: 6-7 clearly indicates:

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Impress.

Talk.

Walk.

Lie down, get up.

Note that there are a lot of verbs in these two verses.

This is action-oriented stuff. This isn’t an optional, work-it-into-your-busy-schedule-if-you-can suggestion. This isn’t a call to be a passive parent. Instead, it is a charge to have an on going, continual, interaction with your child about your God.

What are you doing – today – to ensure that your kids are going to have a constant exposure to your faith, and to learn about God? What’s one thing you can do this very day to make sure that your values are being communicated to – and grabbed onto by – your child?

As a parent, are you going to show up today?

Fatherhood Lost

The program earlier this week about how men are affected by abortion touched many listeners. Here’s the summary from one of our phone reps of a particularly poignant comment:

An anonymous caller shared that she was touched greatly by the broadcast “Fatherhood Lost.” She always had a hardened heart against women who had had an abortion because she has struggled with trying to conceive unsuccessfully. Now she sees it from another view. With tears streaming, her heart has now been softened by what these women go through as a result of their mistake.

Another caller said that

he has been affected by abortion several times throughout his life, and appreciates (the broadcast).

Listen here.

Are You Relevant?

We have a problem: far too many self-identified Christians are increasingly irrelevant in today’s world.

George Barna is a social researcher, and his “mega themes” from recent research are telling a troubling trend: Believers are more inward-focused, making less impact in the lives of those around them.

Some of the findings indicate that Christianity’s influence on the wider culture – and individual lives – is “largely invisible.” He notes that:

Christianity has arguably added more value to American culture than any other religion, philosophy, ideology or community. Yet, contemporary Americans are hard pressed to identify any specific value added.

Partly due to the nature of today’s media, they have no problem identifying the faults of the churches and Christian people.

Barna goes on to suggest:

The most influential aspect of Christianity in America is how believers do–or do not–implement their faith in public and private.

This is a pretty interesting talking-point. I’m not advocating a social-Gospel, good-works approach to our faith. But I do think we’ve dropped the ball on some pretty important cultural matters, and that many believers have been too silent, for far too long, and that a result of our disengagement is that we’re considered irrelevant – and even more importantly, our faith is seen as disconnected from the world, its needs, its people.

To be sure, there are many, many good Christians doing great works for God. Addressing injustice, the needs of the down-and-out, the value of life and more, these believers are engaging and relevant. In future days I’ll try to highlight some of those good deeds – showing a vibrant, living faith – and better, a living God who cares.

Meantime, here’s the link to that Barna study. It is worth reading. And praying about.

Halloween – Observe or Ignore?

As October 31 approaches, Dena and I are talking about our plans for that night. We’re thinking some movies, games, and sweet treats. But not costumes and trick-or-treating.

We’ve never “celebrated” or observed Halloween, due to personal convictions. We don’t judge families who do allow the kids to dress up and go door-to-door. We just decided early on that we’d not participate in the rituals. We usually don’t do the “Harvest Festival” that many churches host, either. So, we offer our kids a fun alternative at home. They’ll tell you that through the years we’ve had some really fun, memorable times together on October 31st.

In this Wall Street Journal piece the writer suggests “most people love Halloween.” Does that include you? Will you be sending the kids out in the neighborhood to collect candy? Will you be passing out treats – or tracts? – to the masked kids who come to your door? Will you have some other activity for your kids to engage in instead?

Check the responses below that best fit your family’s approach to Halloween (multiple answers allowed).

Do you observe - or ignore - Halloween activities?

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School Struggles?

Reading this blog post/article about school struggles, I couldn’t help but think of our youngest, who is really having a difficult time this school year. Zane is bright, but has some behavioral issues making for a very rocky time at the nearby elementary school. The administration and teaching staff there is wonderful, but they can only do so much. Talking with my wife, I observed that the boy is trying to get out of the pressures of the classroom, but of course, we can’t let him win that battle. She agrees, and we’ll have a meeting with the school in the next couple of days to discuss an action plan.

Meantime, I’d appreciate your prayers. In the scheme of things, this is a temporary problem, but we’re calling on God to bring His presence and wisdom to bear. We need it. And maybe you can relate…let us know how Focus on the Family can help.  We have a lot of resources, and even could arrange for a counselor to give you a call.

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