Parenthood and Autism

I just read a blog post about the new NBC television series, Parenthood. The writer deals specifically with one of the show’s story lines, about one couple who learn their child has Aspergers, a condition that is one of many Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD). While I’ve not seen the show, evidently its portrayal of the condition and its effects on a family is rather accurate and very compelling.

As the father of a boy with autism, I’m intrigued. I know firsthand about the difficulties and challenges of parenting such a child, and also about the stress that journey can have on a marriage. So I’d like to know more: I wonder if you saw the television program and have any reaction? Let me know.

And if you need some starting points to learn more about ASD, Focus on the Family has some links here, and I’d also (humbly) suggest this audio conversation I had with Bob West, founder of Need Project, about my family’s situation.

What Do You Recommend?

Sitting in a conversation with Rob Kirkpatrick, the Executive Producer for our daily Focus radio program, we talked about parenting. We touched on several key resources and perspectives about child-rearing that we naturally rely on, day in and day out. For me, those include Dr. Dobson’s classic, New Strong Willed Child. And Dr. Kevin Leman’s book about the role of birth order in how children behave. And then there’s Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages. And if I took a few more minutes, I could probably list several more books and videos that have been essential for me to use and apply as a parent.

I’m wondering what resources YOU might suggest to people - over and over again - as you go through the parenting journey? Give me a list of your favorite items - and some links, too.

First Grader In Handcuffs?

What do you think? I don’t know what to make of it all. I’ve followed this story with some real curiosity. A Florida first grade student had an angry outburst so disruptive that the local sheriff’s office actually handcuffed her and drove her away in a squad car. The next day, this same six year-old student was once again out of control, and was subsequently removed from the school and admitted to a mental health facility for evaluation. Her parents maintain she has no mental illness and only suffers from a “temper problem.”

It seems obvious that there’s something going on behind the scenes that we don’t yet know. This isn’t typical behavior for a first grader. As a parent of a special needs child, I wonder if little Haley might have an undiagnosed condition which leads to these outbursts. Thinking back, before we really knew what we were dealing with in our son’s erratic behavior (autism spectrum disorder) we had to deal with some pretty intense and physical tantrums, so I’d be curious if this girl might have an undiagnosed special need.

It is reported that she had a history of behavioral issues, and that the school was trying to work with the parents, so it is likely that things have escalated over time. I don’t want to take sides here, but it does seem rather extreme to take a six year-old child off the school premises in handcuffs, and also to commit the child to a facility - both actions apparently taken without parental involvement. Still, what is a school to do with such physical expressions of rage? What would you do if you were in the classroom witnessing this kind of outburst?

I’m sympathetic to everyone involved, and hope that the parents and school officials will be able to work together in correctly identifying the real issues - and that eventually they can help this young girl with what is, at the least, an “temper problem.” Haley obviously needs some sort of intervention.

If you have an angry child that you’re trying to deal with, here’s an article offering some common-sense ways to approach the situation and find solutions. And here’s a conversation with a psychologist offering insights about how you as a parent can cope with an angry child; his book has much more information for parents.

Healing From Sexual Abuse

We aired a two-part broadcast earlier this week featuring the Walt Larimore family. You’ll recall that “Dr. Walt” was on staff here at Focus for several years, and that he is a gifted communicator. He and Barb shared a story of great pain with us, one that was, for years, untold. Their children, Kate and Scott, showed tremendous courage in detailing the trauma and pain they experienced years ago after being sexually abused by a babysitter.

We had quite a significant number of responses from listeners, many of whom told us they needed to hear what the Larimores shared. Here’s just a sample:

~ When my son was 4 he was abused by a 10 year-old boy while at a daycare. Please tell the family that did the broadcast thanks for talking about such a sensitive issue.

~ I have NEVER heard anyone address this issue and not only is it so prevalent in our society; but I’ve been through it myself, starting at age 5. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 18, and then my parents had a very hard time believing me. They really did nothing about it. I don’t think either one could deal with it.

~ Thank you for airing a program on such a difficult topic. I have waited all my life for someone to address this so I could sort of feel understood and “stood up for”!
God bless everyone involved in the Focus ministry.

~ Thank you for the broadcast today. It is timely, and very helpful for my family. Thank you for being there, and for being so gracious in serving my family.

We’re grateful that the broadcasts could touch hearts and be used in the healing process, and pray many more will hear the Larimore’s story and be helped. I’ll suggest that if you know someone who needs to hear this amazing family’s journey, send them a link, or get a CD for them. Or, call our 800 number and ask for someone on the counseling team.

Focus is here to help.

Too Soon For Facebook?

My brother and I were talking the other day. We get along famously, and I really enjoy our conversations. He asked me about Facebook, as he isn’t a user and wonders about when he should allow his oldest to get an account. Since I just allowed our 15 year-old to have a Facebook account of her own, I told him that 15 is about right.

I think a child needs to be able to deal well with external disciplines for online, social media activity. I also believe our kids need to demonstrate some good internal sensors before having “Facebook freedom” as there is a tendency to waste time, share overtly sensitive information and engage in childish behaviors when online. BTW, just today I’ve had to suspend one of our children’s FB accounts for a while, due to misuse. Nothing really terrible, but unauthorized and thus in violation of the rules we jointly wrote up for its use. I’m not real popular for that action, but my goal isn’t to be a popular parent, it is to help develop my kid’s, their minds, hearts and character, as well as their spiritual well-being.

Maybe I’m being overprotective, but I don’t think so. I’m not an ogre, just doing the “dad thing” - and I wish more parents would join me.

Learning the Truth

What do a shotgun and a watermelon have to do with teaching and learning about Truth? Here’s a great story by Dr. Del Tackett, over at his blog, about that very thing. Every parent should read this powerful insight and take away an appreciation for the need to help our kids grab onto Truth.

Help Your Kids Process Haiti

Here’s a downloadable PDF with advice for parents who who want to help their children process what they are seeing and hearing about the terrible Haiti earthquake

Another PDF here for those who are grappling with the unanswerable questions in life.

Birth Order Insights

This week I had the privilege of recording some programs with Dr. Kevin Leman. He is an insightful, highly engaging and humorous friend to have in the studio! While we didn’t talk about the topic directly, one of his “specialties” is addressing birth order and how that affects us - and our families.

I think it is pretty amusing to hear Dr. Leman talk to someone about their place in the birth order, and then go on to describe their personality and sometimes even specific characteristics of their mate! In fact, he shared with me that recently he was chatting with someone at an event, and Dr. Leman told the fellow that - just from their conversation - he had determined the man is a first-born, married to a last-born. And he was right!

Here’s a blog entry at the Wall Street Journal about birth order and marriage in which Dr. Leman is cited. Check it out - and be sure to see some of the reader comments, too.

If you’d like to learn more, watch this video of Dr. Leman talking generally about birth order; get his newly updated classic about the subject; order his book, First Born Advantage (which is on sale for a very good price); or go to his official website.

Driven To Distraction?

Last week it was time to mark another milestone. I took my daughter for the rite of passage that is…a driving permit. She passed the test, paid the $14 and posed for her photograph. And so the process begins, again.

For the third time now I’ll be training a teen driver the ways to navigate the road. Fifty hours - minimum - and a year’s wait, and she could be slipping in behind the wheel of an automobile, all by herself. Meantime, we’ll cover a variety of basics, I’ll make sure she knows how to change a tire, and we’ll have some quality time together.

Safety, of course, is the primary goal. I want my kids to become good drivers, in a variety of weather conditions and with different circumstances like heavy highway traffic and everyday distractions. I want them to demonstrate confidence and competence as they tool around in several tons of sheet metal.

But what to do about those ubiquitous cell phones? Here in Colorado, there’s a new law banning teens from texting while driving. I’m alright with the concept of discouraging risky driving habits, but from what I can tell, that is a very general law, one which might be hard to enforce (how can a patrolman tell if the individual was texting, or just dialing a number, or perhaps checking the GPS for directions?). Matters not, as my new drivers already have a no-cell-phone-while-the-car-is-moving policy, so texting isn’t supposed to happen anyway. And I’ve told my older children that they will have to pay for increased premiums resulting from any accident that they cause.

Still, who can separate a teen from their phone? That wasn’t a problem for me when I was 16, because the phone cord couldn’t even reach out the door, let alone into the car! Seriously, though, while technology battles for a driver’s attention, you may be tempted to think this is a rather new phenomena. Well, you’d be wrong! “Car phones” date back to the 1960s. If you doubt my word, check out this dated photo and the accompanying article about the telecommunication industry’s plan to bring drivers and phones together. I’m glad phones have gotten a little more sophisticated, aren’t you?

My daughter is really looking forward to this process, and truth be told, so am I. While we’re out learning how to drive well, I’ll make sure that neither of us is talking or texting. Any other readers in agreement with me?

Choosing A College

These days I’m sure the postal delivery person (aka mailman) is not overly happy with us. Every day he drops off seven or eight pieces of mail from colleges. Headlines on the envelopes are written for Seth, our high school senior, trying to convince him that they know just where he should spend four years and thousands of dollars:

Truth be told, most of this mail is going into the trash can, but we can’t slow the tide down. We only hope that the mailman doesn’t mind the extra work - it is seasonal, in many ways, and eventually the offers of interest will come to an end.

Hard to believe, but our oldest son is already a junior in college. We felt his absence acutely last week as our family gathered for Thanksgiving, but are grateful that on such holidays when he can’t be home, he does have an established community there in Michigan of which he can be part. While it was three years ago, I recall some good discussions and decision-making associated with the college application process.

Back to Seth: He has a good idea of where he’d like to go next fall, but he is keeping his options open. He has dismissed some schools, is intrigued by others and is indifferent to many. I was prompted by an article in the Wall Street Journal to consider the present Fuller Family hunt for a college. I’ll admit that I’m leaving a lot of the search up to my son, but from what I can tell, there are many parents who are much more engaged in that process.

The WSJ article mentions moms who quit their jobs to make college visits with their prospective son or daughter, and others who lament how time intensive the whole application is. Really?

Maybe I’m missing something here. I don’t want to dismiss the significant expenses associated with college, but isn’t this kind of the start of a parent’s send-off? Don’t we help our kids if we point them in the right direction and then let them choose the landing spot, the place they’ll make that transition from dependence to independence?   Maybe parents who complain about college applications and such are owning too much of that process? I think we need to let go and let our kids make this decision - and live with the consequences, good or bad.

Let me know what you think, especially if you disagree with my assessment.

And for those with a high school senior, here’s a good perspective about this season of parenting from Chip Ingram, some advice from Dr. Dobson, advice for the college-bound, recollections by some parents about saying goodbye to their college-bound daughter, and information about the Focus Leadership Institute (keep it in mind for your child’s junior or senior year - a college semester spent here at Focus on the Family).

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