Helping Families Thrive

I thought you’d find this note encouraging. These kind words are reflective of what many have felt about Focus on the Family over the years:

“I am at a loss for words to adequately express how much it means to my husband and me to know that there is an organization like Focus that is rooting for us.  Just today I was reading Psalm 37 and thinking about how your ministry provides ways to ‘dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.’  We have two teenagers and an 8-year-old in our household.  Adventures in Odyssey got us through the grade school years, but now our adolescents’ faith is being tested by all the entertainment options that the world offers.  Plugged In Online has become a significant compass for our family.  All three of our kids are dedicated to their walk with Christ but they still encounter challenges.  Thanks for all of your research and persistence in helping us navigate through stormy waters.”

This is exactly what we’re about: coming alongside and helping families thrive. It’s a privilege to be part of what our heavenly is doing at and through Focus on the Family. If you have a story, let us know, please. All to the glory of God!

When Is Parenting Over?

Three years ago we said “Goodbye” to our oldest, sending him off to college. I’ve written here before about that transition. Truthfully, it was a hard season. I wasn’t prepared for the meaning of the event, and the lingering difficulties associated with having a child out on his own. We missed our son and his presence in the home!

I’m reminded of that process of raising a child, then saying goodbye as we did that very thing – once more – this morning. I was up at 4:20 a.m. to take Dakota and also his younger brother, Seth to the airport.

Taken at 5 a.m. today, at the Colorado Springs airport. Seth and Dakota are off for adventure!

As I write this, they are en route to two destinations 1,000 miles away from home. Big brother now tackles his final year at Hillsdale College in Michigan. Son #2 is off to Portland, Oregon to stretch his wings a bit. So the transition is happening yet again. My sons are now men, and our relationship is changed forever. Life in our home will be very different without these boys – we love them dearly, and will miss their help, conversations and humor.

So today, especially, I’m feeling the loud “tick tock” of the clock. It is really hard to believe that we’re already pretty much done with the training of two – two! – kids. While they’ll likely seek out wisdom from time to time, we’re watching them make life work out on their own terms. Now we only have four left in the home – wow!

As I reflect, I think back to the earlier years of sleepless nights, emotional outbreaks, temper tantrums and such. About those bleary-eyed days and nights, another parent wondered,

“When is my work as a parent done?”

From what I can tell, the parenting journey is a life-long marathon. It certainly doesn’t end with a child’s 18th birthday or their move out of the house. It changes, then, of course. But our work as Moms and Dads begins before that baby enters the world and ends…when? Based on observation and the on-going trials some parents I know are enduring – with their adult kids – truth be told, probably never!

Parenting is one tough, lifelong job. As to the importance of the role, the late Adrian Rogers observed,

Home is the university of life, with parents as the professors, children as students and life as the lab.

You may not be able to grasp how quickly time flies past, especially if you are stressed by raising young children right now. Those early years can be hard – and, in fact, the entire parenting journey can be hard! But you are training your child – intentionally or not – and soon enough he or she will head off for “life.”

As the old song said,

Teach your children well…

While I ponder these past years with our now grown boys, I feel compelled to encourage parents with younger kids to make the most of these years of “education.” Maximize the opportunities – while you have them! Make memories. Give parenting your all. Pour into that child and keep your eyes set on the goal: to have a healthy well-adjusted adult who has character and loves God. Seize the moment, and drink in the gifts God gives to you today as a mom or dad. You’ll always be  parent, but one day you’ll have a different relationship with that child, that of friend. Do the early years well, and look forward to having kids that you can enjoy when they are adults.

So, your job as a parent is not over – ever. Decide today to run this race with endurance and hope, and with joy! I’m committed to do so as today, and will let the day’s emotions and reflections push me to be a better dad.

A Daddy’s Influence

From a journal entry about five years ago, the following captures the value of investing in the life of your child – especially as he or she enters the turbulent teen years.

~~ ~~

It was a day to spend some time with my oldest daughter.

We started with our weekly “Bagel and Bible” time, in which we head to a local coffee shop and have some breakfast. Along the way, as we conversed, we opened the Scriptures and interacted about a particular passage…and yesterday we tackled a hard one – Lamentations. All of it. I gave an overview of what the writer was trying to convey, the historical setting and also some thoughts about how we might apply some of the truths in the book to our lives today. The “weeping prophet” needed some contextualization for an 11 year-old, but I think it was a pretty meaningful conversation. I benefited from the reminder of right living and God’s forgiveness.

Several hours later, I ended up being the driver to pick her up from an after-church event. That made for a nice drive home with her – and nobody else in the car – during which we discussed the activities and people involved. She shared from her heart, and I felt a great privilege in offering some encouragement.

Mid-afternoon found us headed on another errand. Casual, it became a little chit-chat time for us.

Late afternoon she called when I was at the grocery store, and asked me to bring home some Cheerios for a dessert recipe she had started. This was a treat to take on a forthcoming trip. Dutifully, I grabbed a box. When I got home, she thanked me…not an overly meaningful exchange, but she expressed her gratitude for helping her out in a small way.

All in all, a number of little interactions with an 11 year-old daughter who still looks up to me and values my attentions.

So…this morning. As I head out the door, on my desk I find a small item, some  of that dessert she made with the Cheerios wrapped carefully in foil, along with a handwritten note. It was a nice little gesture. And it reminded me that the payoff was not just today, in getting a sweet treat from my daughter.

The payoff really was yesterday. Time invested wisely. Not always overly purposeful. Didn’t have to be. The point for my adolescent daughter was that she spent time with her Daddy. And that I cared enough to be there for the little rhythms of life. I had made time to be with her.

Her note was simple and to the point. And it made me tear up.

“To my father who loves me.”

What a welcome reminder…of the power God has given me as a Daddy.

~~ ~~

That daughter is now a vibrant 16 year-old. I’m happy to report that I still have her heart…she still looks up to me, and she’s still open to my fatherly advice and guidance. I’m a fortunate man!

Here’s hoping I make good use of that “Daddy power” today in her life, and in the lives of my other children.

Parenting Dos and Don’ts

A recent post about “helicopter parenting” was pretty eye-opening for many readers – in the post I included a poll, and most respondents admitted they hover over their kids way too much. How about you?

If you’d like to be a better parent, give a listen to this excellent conversation with Chip Ingram about how to approach the joyful task – he offers some great insights and wisdom.

Also, if you haven’t done so, take a few minutes to give your input at our broadcast survey here.

Advice For Moms

It’s my observation that moms like to share thoughts, perspectives and suggestions about parenting. If you have kids, you’ve undoubtedly been helped by advice from other moms. This radio series, featuring Shelly Radic from MOPS, is full of great ideas for Moms – especially those of younger children.

I’d enjoy hearing from listeners who benefited from our conversation with Shelly. Leave a comment mentioning something specific that you appreciated – or even something with which you disagreed – and maybe you’ll receive a copy of Shelly’s book, Momology. I’ll select a couple of winners on Friday.

Super-Involved Parents

I know a mom who is taking off work all week long to prepare for the upcoming school year.

I know a mom who drives 100 miles a week – or more – to ensure her children are involved with all the right activities.

I know a mom who does her teenager’s laundry – she just wants to help out.

She'll go to great lengths to be with her child, to do whatever it takes to help that child succeed!

She'll go to great lengths to be with and to help that child succeed in life!

Are these moms healthy in their approaches to parenting? I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with these illustrations – although I wouldn’t want my wife doing laundry for any of our teenagers. I’m simply wondering if there are boundaries to over-involved parenting? If perhaps some mothers do too much?

Here’s an article about “helicopter parents,” specifically addressing some of the indicators that a mom might be over-involved in her child’s life.

What do you think?

Am I a "helicopter parent?"

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Post-Vacation Re-Entry

I’ve been traveling most of the past three weeks, a combination of business and travel trips. Last week was time away in the mountains with my wife and our four youngest kids. Today, as I re-enter the “normal world” of active children and engaging work, I’m reflecting…

John and Zane enjoyed fishing for trout.

Zane and I enjoyed fishing for trout in Western Colorado last week. No bites, but still fun time together!

If you have a minute, read Focus President Jim Daly blog post about his family’s time last week at K-Kauai Family Kamp.  And listen in here to a conversation I had with two gentlemen who are deeply committed to helping families through Christian camping (its one of the last segments of the show).

Also, if you’ve been on a family vacation this summer, I’d like to hear about your experiences.

Seven Years Ago

I’ve been reflecting today on our youngest son’s birth. He turned seven today, and while he is happily playing with his new Legos and Buzz Lightyear gear, I’m struck by how normal Zane is in so many ways. He loves to play, roughhouse, read books, swim, run around at the park, and eating fruit. He blends into a crowd of kids pretty well. He is pretty strong. He talks a lot about Star Wars (Legos) and can beat me in boxing on the Wii. Zane’s life is pretty routine by most accounts.

Dena and Zane at the orphanage

Dena and Zane at the orphanage

His start in life wasn’t easy, nor usual. Born at 26 weeks, weighing just over two pounds, he spent his first days in neonatal intensive care. Somehow his tiny body pushed through that challenge, and he went on to an orphanage in eastern Russia. We met him when he was eight months, and brought him into our family shortly after that.

We’ve been blessed to have Zane in our lives! The Lord has brought him so very far, and there’s promise and spark in his life that is clear evidence of God’s grace and mercy.

God has also used that boy to teach us much about Himself, and about ourselves. And while I don’t know much about the circumstances surrounding his birth seven years ago, or his first seven months of life, I’m really glad I’ve been part of the past six years, three months.

Not Yet

The junk mail started arriving about two years ago. I promptly threw it out, without even opening it. I’m not sorry. In fact, I’m offended. And yet, it still comes monthly.

For context: It was only a few years ago that I decided that I’m now qualified as a “middle aged” man. Yes, I “decided.”

If you think about it, there’s really no commonly accepted definition of just when “middle age” begins for a person. Is it in your 40s? Maybe. 50s? Probably not, at least for most folks…because that’s when the dreaded, offensive junk mail starts coming.

Unable to find a consensus on how to define middle aged, I determined that I was about there, as I had a child in college. That seemed reasonable, and I’ve since told many friends that, with that family marker achieved, they’d arrived at “middle aged.”

Any way, as I had really just started to settle into “middle age” only a few years ago, it was really hard to start receiving solicitations to join the AARP. I mean, really. I’ve only just begun the middle years, did they have to start pushing me toward “senior” status? And the benefits of joining  – discounted hotel rooms, prescriptions and eye glasses…why, that’s hardly enough to entice me to enter my “golden years.” Then there’s the association’s agenda, which reflects values that are decidedly different than mine. That’s a huge reason I’ve never, ever join that august group.

So I’ll keep putting that mail from AARP into the recycle bin, and enjoy my middle aged years longer. A lot longer, like another 12 years…since our six year-old son will be home for at least another 10-12 years.

Okay, rant over.

Now, maybe you’re identifying with my plight, er, decision, to stay middle aged for a while. Maybe you can’t fathom being in this stage of life (just wait, it’ll happen all-too-quickly). Or perhaps you’ve entered a season of being an “empty nester” – no kids at home. Just the two of you. For those who are getting close to the empty nest, here’s an enjoyable Focus on the Family conversation with two knowledgeable ladies about the pros and cons of such a season, and solid advice about how to prepare for and make the time fulfilling and rewarding.

WIR, June 4, 2010

The week we’ve had some great Focus radio programming!

Marriage: Greg and Erin Smalley compared the early years of their marriage to the ancient Israelites’ experience in the book of Exodus — wandering through the wilderness and dreaming of the Promised Land. The Smalleys say it felt like they would never achieve the marriage of their dreams; that they were “stuck” in a seemingly endless cycle of unhealthy conflict.  What most couples do to stay in the wilderness:

“We stop doing the things that we should be doing. We start doing things that are probably unhealthy for our marriages, and all of a sudden, we feel stuck … and we don’t know what to do.”

The conversation with the Smalleys is here.

Parenting, Life and Faith: Art Linkletter’s book Kids Say the Darndest Things is one of the best-selling titles of all time, and his interviews with young children have entertained millions. Listen in as we pay tribute to the entertainment icon who passed away last week, with some great laughs as Linkletter shares more of the hilarious things kids said on his hit TV show House Party. The program takes a serious turn as Linkletter talks about his daughter’s suicide and describes how that tragic event helped take his life and personal ministry in a different direction. Through it all, he kept perspective:

“Living a happy, productive, long life calls for the ability to laugh at yourself a little … If you can laugh at the world and laugh at yourself, it [helps take] away the hurts.”

Meaning In Life: Monday we aired a message from Don Coble, who described his former life as a hardened military man who was addicted to work and alcoholism, and explained how he was transformed by God’s love and grace.

And we enjoy getting feedback from folks. With the summer movie season here, I thought you might find this recent comment by one friend of Focus on the Family particularly helpful:

“Thank you so much for your ministry at Plugged In.  My husband and I are very particular about what we let our four children see.  We have found that even though a movie may have a PG or PG-13 rating, many of these films may be just as unsuitable as R-rated ones.  Vice-versa, a (very) few R-rated movies, if seen with our guidance, may be more suitable than some PG or PG-13 works.  (These are films we would only see with our oldest child, and typically only those dealing with war).  We generally check with Plugged In before we see any movie, and that has served us well.  From a family who greatly appreciates what you are doing, please stay the course!  In an age where innocence is on the line every day, thank you for helping us fight the battle for the sake of Christ and our children.”

Thanks for allowing us to be part of your family!

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