Can I Earn Some Money?

A common question in our home revolves around finances. With some frequency my children ask, “How can I earn some money?” The occasion prompting such a question is usually something which requires cash for entrance (like a movie, mini golf, or a theme park) or at which they’ll want to buy some treats (junk food). While my children have an allowance, they don’t always manage the monies well, and thus the question. If I were to write out an equation, it’d be (with apologies to real math people, of which I am obviously not one):

Felt Need = (Motivation To Work) + (Instant Cash)

Or something like that.

Anyway, our children have various funds to manage, to spend on clothing and frivolities, for giving, for saving. I’ll admit, though, that beyond real-world teaching opportunities like an invitation to an event that requires money which they don’t have, we’ve been a bit lax on how to practically help them in this.

All this came to mind as I read a Wall Street Journal article about how to approach kids and money. One person offered an “earn everything they get” perspective in which doing chores brings money, while another suggested giving money apart from chores to helps kids better understand finances.

The first view is described as follows:

There are two types of chores in a house: Citizen of the Household, without pay, and Work for Pay.

Citizen of the Household chores are personal things: brushing teeth, keeping your own space clean, putting your toys away, etc.

Work for Pay are all chores in a home—setting tables, doing laundry, etc. Those jobs are paid for with a salary on a weekly schedule.

Citizen of the Household chores are “good behavior,” and if not done, the punishment is behavioral, taking away a privilege, like TV. If Work for Pay jobs are not done, there is no pay.

Here’s the latter approach as expressed by one expert:

Allowances and family chores have different purposes.

Allowances help children learn to manage money and control the need for instant gratification. Family chores help children learn to develop a work ethic.

Paying for extra chores sends a healthy message: Money and hard work go together.

I guess we’re somewhere in between these two views. We’ve given the kids a certain allowance based upon their age, and independent of chores. We also pay extra for extra work – the “above and beyond” kind of help that shows initiative and responsibility. We want to give money because they are part of the family, and eventually they’ll need to take care of their own spending. We also want to reward mature choices.

How about you? How do you handle kids, chores and allowances?

 

Seeing Through The Lens Of Autism

Temple Grandin is one of the most well-known individuals with autism. She has a doctorate in animal science and is a professor at Colorado State University. Additionally, Dr. Grandin is a bestselling author and respected consultant to the livestock industry on animal behavior.

From a radio essay on NPR a few years ago, here are some insights from Dr. Grandin about how autism affects the cognitive process:

Because I have autism, I live by concrete rules instead of abstract beliefs. And because I have autism, I think in pictures and sounds. I don’t have the ability to process abstract thought the way that you do.

Here’s how my brain works. It’s like the search engine Google for images. If you say the word love to me, I’ll surf the Internet inside my brain. Then a series of images pops into my head. What I’ll see, for example, is a picture of a mother horse with a foal, or I think of Herbie the Love Bug, scenes from the movie Love Story, or the Beatles’ song, love, love, All You Need is Love…

…I built a library of experiences that I could refer to when I was in a new situation. That way, when I confronted something unfamiliar, I could draw on the information in my homemade library and come up with an appropriate way to behave in a new and strange situation.

These are fascinating perspectives and I’d encourage you to find the full transcript and audio here. With 1 in 88 children being diagnosed with autism, sooner or later you’ll encounter an individual who has autism and thinks “in pictures and sounds” like Dr. Grandin.

 

Dealing With Autism: Starting Points

As Autism Awareness Month wraps up, I’d like to offer some additional  resources and starting points for understanding and embracing ASD (see previous posts for other suggestions).

One of the most helpful approaches we’ve found, widely embraced by the medical and special needs communities, is “ABA Therapy.” Pioneered by Dr. O. Ivar Lovaas, this is an especially effective treatment for autism. Here’s his site and links to a significant number of studies about ABA Therapy.

There are many organizations offering information and networking for the autism community. We’ve found Autism Society of America (a national organization with state chapters) to be especially helpful. Your awareness of autism may have been increased by the effective advocacy work of Autism Speaks.  And my friend Bob West has a wonderful website – dealing with a variety of special needs and offering hope to families, Need Project.

For inspirational encouragement, see www.ChosenFamilies.org. My wife, Dena, appreciates http://childrenofdestiny.org, a site featuring a daily prayer for families with special needs members.

There are many more sources for parents raising a child with autism. I’d welcome your suggestions.

When The Diagnosis Is Autism

When we heard the news from a child neurologist, my wife and I were shell shocked. While relived that we had a name for the behavioral challenges we had experienced with him, we were also confused and distressed. We didn’t know what it meant when the physician said that Zane is clearly on the autistic spectrum. Unfortunately, the doctor didn’t offer much help. So we spent the first few months wondering what to do next.

We soon found ourselves immersed, however, in learning as much as possible about Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). We read a number of books. We found a lot of information online – but how could we know what to believe and trust?

I’ve had countless conversations during the past few years with people who are dealing with a recent diagnosis of ASD for their child or grandchild. In the interest of helping other families I’ve compiled a list of resources. Here are just a few which I have found very helpful.

There is a great book that’ll give you an idea of the types of twists and turns you’ll encounter in the journey ahead. Written with compassion and some rich humor along the way. Get a copy of DANCING WITH MAX: A MOTHER AND SON WHO BROKE FREE by Emily Colson Boehme with her father, Chuck Colson. Emily’s (now) adult autistic son, Max, has been an unexpected a pathway to joy for their family, and this is an inspiring account of their experiences.

I’d also recommend THINKING IN PICTURES (and other titles) by Temple Grandin. She is a professor at Colorado State University, bestselling author, and consultant to the livestock industry on animal behavior. As a person with high-functioning autism, Grandin is noted for her work in autism advocacy.

There’s a wonderfully touching film about Temple Grandin’s life that we loan out to folks – and the overwhelming response is quite positive. This is perhaps one of the best depictions of how individuals with ASD think and relate to the world around them.

Focus on the Family has some helps. Here’s a brief video series (part one and part two) addressing how one family coped with a diagnosis of autism for their young son. Each segment is only a few minutes in length, and you’ll hear some encouraging perspectives.

More resources in the next post. For now, if you are new to the diagnosis of autism, I’ll offer a word of encouragement. Your child is special and deserving of all your love and energy. The road ahead is likely full of disappointments and difficulties. If you’ll hold onto God and His sovereignty, trusting Him each day for the strength and wisdom you’ll need, the steps on the journey will be a little bit easier, and richer.

 

Seeing God In Autism

During National Autism Awareness Month, it is a privilege to have an article about our journey with autism featured in the Washington Post’s blog, Guest Voices. While I recount some of the painful, even disorienting steps we’ve taken along the way, there are some rich moments and lessons:

I’ll admit that while it is with some reluctance that I’ve embraced our status as a special needs family, God has used our precious boy in many profound ways. The lessons have been difficult, but the rewards have been far greater.

I hope you’ll read the full article here.

Also, keep an eye out at for families with special needs…we need some extra grace and patience…as we learn those lessons God has for us. Thanks.

Impact of Fatherlessness

I just spent a delightful weekend away with my family. We were away in the mountains, with no internet, and lots of time together. It was great! We played games, talked, and relaxed as a family. I tried to spend individual time with each of the five who made it (our oldest lives on the East Coast), and was grateful for the meaningful ways we connected. With the warmth of the weekend on my heart and mind, earlier today I was reflecting on some startling stats about kids who don’t have a dad in their lives.

Did you know the United States is the world’s leader in fatherless homes? The impact is breathtaking: 63 percent of youth suicides come from fatherless homes, and 75 percent of all adolescent patients in drug treatment centers come from homes without a dad.

In his book, It’s Better to Build Boys than Mend Men, Truett Cathy offers some other insights about the trouble children from fatherless homes experience. They are:

• 5 times more likely to commit suicide.

• 32 times more likely to run away.

• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

• 14 times more likely to commit rape.

• 9 times more likely to drop out of school.

• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.

• 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.

• 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

Such revelations should drive every wayward father home and cause every dad teetering on divorce to do whatever he can to salvage his marriage.

And if you ARE home, Dad, those statistics should push you to spend time – quality and quantity time – time with your children. You should do that because it is the right thing. Because your child needs you. And because it is wonderfully rewarding!

Have a little boy? Or maybe a teen boy? For a father who really wants to shape his son’s future, let me suggest there is an outstanding set of resources from my friend Robert Lewis. His book, Raising A Modern Day Knight, has been wonderfully helpful to me in bringing up three boys, and I’ve recommended it for years. Additionally, let me suggest a cool – free! – smartphone app to help you be more intentional in training your boy to become a man of integrity with a rock-solid faith. Find a link to some videos, as well – check out these resources and hear an interview with Robert Lewis right here.

I might also add that regardless of your stage of parenting, in my book First Time Dad I tried to capture some of the common challenges – and joys – every father, especially new dads, encounter.  Intended to encourage and inspire, the book reflects my experiences as a Dad for the past 23 years. You might consider it as an early Father’s Day present?

 

Attack of the iPods

Last week, in two separate packages, the delivery truck dropped off two new iPods at our home. The beautiful little (really little!) pieces of technology magic are already the pride of their new owners, two of my teen daughters. So now all three of our girls have “portable music devices” with white ear buds that will be a constant companion, a friend when they are lonely, and also a source of entertainment and distraction.

My wife isn’t the happiest about iPods and the music they hold. I understand her concerns. After all, what music is on those things, and what kinds of messages are our daughters hearing time and time again?

I’ve been a little more lax on the matter, probably because when I was about 13 I started discovering pop and rock music (I wasn’t yet a follower of Christ, so “Christian” music wasn’t part of my record collection) – and it quickly became a permanent part of my world. The teen years aren’t exactly easy. Music soothed a hurting soul, was a common denominator among friends, was even motivational and inspirational. Mostly, though, I found music gave voice to my turbulent emotions – it said things I couldn’t quite express. It still does to this day. I love how music paints pictures, moves my heart and causes me to think.

Probably because it meant so much to me all those years ago, I understand the power of music in my daughters’ lives. Dena and I are on the same page as to having some limits on what they listen to. We have general house guidelines and rules about “screen time” and music listening for our children. We try to model good consumption patterns. We talk through the impact of lyrics and lifestyles of the artists. We rely on Focus on the Family’s Plugged In media reviews for reliable information about the trends and popular groups.

The older they are, the less restrictive we are. I want my kids to “learn to discern” and offer them growing amounts of trust with regard to their choices. Helping them process the “why” behind my affirmations and objections is a pretty important part of the process. Still, I’ll admit that I’m not always on top of their playlists and “most listened to” music. So perhaps this post is more for me than for you.

With that context, then, a few questions. How do you handle your child’s media consumption? Do you allow unrestricted access to electronic devices like phones and iPods? Do you have safeguards in place to ensure your younger kids are protected from crude lyrics and content? What is the most challenging parenting problem you deal with when it comes to your kids and media?

 

Searching For More

My friend Zeke Pipher has a new book out, and I found it to be candid, engaging, challenging, and also rather convicting. Its called, Man On The Run: Helping Hyper-Hobbied Men Recognize The Best Things In Life. Here’s a quick excerpt:

I’ve lived the first thirty-nine years of my life by Irishman Laurence Sterne’s creed: “A large volume of adventures may be grasped within this little span of life, by him who interests his heart in everything.”

“Everything” might be a slight overstatement. There are a few pursuits that I haven’t thrown myself into. But then, they involve knitting needles, scrapbooks, and shopping malls, so they don’t really count anyway, right?

I’m a simple case, really. Like many men, I don’t handle inactivity well. My lowest lows—the times when I feel blue or despondent—come to me when I’m sitting on my hands wondering what to do. I keep busy in order to keep sane. On my days off, I fish, exercise, or clean the garage. In the evenings, I write, wrestle with my kids, or play basketball at the fitness center. I even started cooking because it gives me something to do during that restless hour between when I get home from work and when it’s time to sit down for dinner.

Some people enjoy large blocks of time with nothing planned. I don’t understand those people.

I need more than busyness, though. I need to be challenged. An after-dinner stroll around the neighborhood holds little appeal. But I’ll walk for hours if there’s the chance a pheasant might flush or the next swing might be the golf shot of my life. Likewise, I can’t sit for fifteen minutes and do nothing. But I can plant my rear in a tree stand from sunup till sundown, listening for the snap of a twig, the faintest indication that a deer might be walking in my direction. In order to enjoy time, I need something to do, and that something must hold the power to thrill me.

Does that description of a busy, activity-filled life resonate with you?I think most of us have far too many hobbies – many good things – distracting us from the best things.

In my own book, First Time Dad, I wrote about the need for new fathers to put away the golf clubs and instead put their free time and energy into being a good dad. It’s a radical mind-shift for some men. It was for me, as I wrote in the following admission:

About the time of our first child, I took up an extra-curricular activity. I suddenly had a hankering to attend graduate school. It occupied a lot of my time during those first couple of years after Dakota was born. In my defense, this was something my wife and I had discussed for some time, and it was in many ways a labor of love that was intended to position me for a different job. But the timing of this effort was, in hindsight, awful. With a new baby, my wife needed me home more, not less. But there I was for about two years, commuting 250 miles twice a week to work on a graduate degree. Finally, circumstances changed and I had to abandon that pursuit.

Was I actively seeking an escape from the demands of being a new dad? Really, I was not trying to get away from those new responsibilities. However, I wish someone had told me about the importance of being more involved in my child’s life, especially during those early years. Old family photos and videos reveal that I was there for Dena and Dakota  – just not as much I now wish I had been.

And, lest you think setting the right priorities is an easy thing to master, despite the strains on our family from that earlier educational effort, I found myself back in grad school a few years later, pursuing that degree one more time. This time, though, we had four children. While the stress of that commitment damaged our marriage, it also took a bit of a toll on our children. I was an absent dad, in many ways. And I worked for a global family ministry!

Ouch. It is somewhat painful to revisit the wounds I caused with my pursuit of an advanced degree.But I hope it catches your attention and causes you to consider once again what is most important in your life. Does your calendar reflect your priorities?

Here’s a suggestion: As a man, you are driven. That’s not a bad thing. God wired men to seek adventure, challenges, victories. Driven men have accomplished much in this world. But as Zeke points out so well in his book, and I addressed this in mine, we have to channel that energy, passion and drive into the right things. Things that matter most. Ultimately, that means pursuing God and others more than a trophy catch, or a season championship, or a personal record. Instead, go after, with your whole heart, your family. Your wife and kids. You’re irreplaceable in their lives, and your investment in time, energy and heart to make them number one won’t be wasted.

By the way, download a sample chapter of First Time Dad here, or Man on the Run here.

Five Tips To Help Survive A New Baby

‘Tis the season…for babies! A number of co-workers and friends are welcoming new little ones into their families.While I think most will adapt well to being new parents, some of us have not made that transition to life with a baby so easily or quickly. I’ve often said that getting married was oh-so-natural, but learning how to be a new dad was a lot of work! This was especially the case when it came to my marriage. Dena and I re-centered our lives on our new son, and in the process I found that not only did the baby need new efforts – so did my wife.

From my book, First Time Dad, here are five quick tips for men to help with the many adjustments needed when “baby makes three” (or four, or five…), especially when it comes to keeping your marriage strong:

  1. Stay connected with your wife. Make room in your schedule for daily talk times and weekly dates. Do things together as a family. Hang out at the park with parents who also have younger kids. Develop routines like Thursday night pizza, or Sunday afternoons. Take family hikes or bike rides.
  2. Remember your wife is not your enemy. She is the love of your life, and you need to treat her as the shining jewel that she is for you. So don’t get angry with her. Don’t blow up when she is exhausted and needs you to really help out. Extend lots of grace. Follow the Scriptural admonition to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19 NIV
  3. Remember this child is not your enemy. You love this little baby, really, you do! So don’t for a minute think that she is an enemy to your marriage. Yes, she will demand a lot of you and she will extract a lot of your wife’s energies and attentions. But she’s your child, and you have a tremendous responsibility to raise her well. It’s your job to allow her needs to dictate a lot of your life’s choices and activities – for now. And that’ll impact your marriage.
  4. Share the load. Now is the time to show your wife you love her by sacrificing your pride – or your stubbornness – and really stepping up the contribution you make to her life. Clean the kitchen, or her car. Empty the trash. Change that baby’s diaper. Make dinner. Those domestic duties that you’ve let her handle need to be shared, as she is pretty tired from being a Mom. That means you have to come alongside her and help. Look around, find practical things that need to be done, and get to work. Trust me, your wife will notice, even if she doesn’t say anything right now.
  5. Get some sleep. Suggestion: Take turns wearing earplugs. Seriously. Buy some Mack’s Silicone Earplugs and learn to love ‘em! I didn’t want to consider these things, but Dena started using them and it became apparent that she was sleeping well – while I didn’t, because our son kept waking me up during the night. So when you are desperate for sleep, wear earplugs. Alternate turns, so at least one of you gets a good night of rest, every night.

Guys, what other tips would you offer?

Love Your Wife More?

Ted Cunningham, a pastor, speaker and author, made the audience of around 1,000 people in Dallas gasp. Audibly. He wasn’t particularly dramatic about it, and I’ll admit that I didn’t think much about his comment at the moment. But there it was – and people did have some strong reactions.

Ted told a sweet story about a conversation with his five year-old daughter who asked him a rather innocent question.

“Daddy, who do you love more? Mommy or me?”

Even as you read the question, you’re likely forming an answer of your own. Something a bit vague, but reassuring. Affirming of your love for both. Not too specific…because it seems like kind of a loaded question the more you think about it.

To a man it likely seems like one of those no-win propositions. The old dilemma of answering your wife when she asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Of course, there’s no apparent “right answer!” Reply the wrong way and there could be a really tough time explaining why you said what you said. Dismiss the query and you might crush a heart. How in the world do you answer a question like that?

Despite the apparent conundrum, Ted’s response to his daughter seemed quite reasonable to me. In fact, I thought it was a fine response. It wasn’t particularly shocking – but there were verbal reactions of “Oh my!” from many in the auditorium. And it was mostly women, it seemed, who took exception to his words.

“Well…you’ve got to know, sweetheart, that while I love you a whole lot, I love your Mommy even more.”

What?!

In the minds of hundreds in the audience, a rush of thoughts. I could almost hear them.

“Wait a minute, Ted. Are you telling me that you love your wife more than your child? C’mon, man, that’s not what your girl wanted to hear! You’ve crushed her heart.”

Or perhaps, “Yikes, you mean I CAN love my wife more than our kids?”

How did you react when you read Ted’s candid, albeit somewhat unexpected answer to his little girl? Did his response startle you?

Truth is, in every family there are relational priorities. For many couples, the children become the central rallying point for everything – “it’s all about the kids,” you know. That’s what we often hear. It seems that is an approach to family life that is most valued in our culture.

And while it is a commonly accepted norm to make the kids the focus of all our attention and efforts, I think that is wrong and short-sighted.

I’d suggest that the healthiest things for a family man to do is to take Ted’s advice: Love your wife more than your kids. And let your kids know why.

Here’s a radio recording of that moment when Ted caused a lot of folks to gasp. I’d suggest you listen to the entire discussion to catch the context of what Ted was trying to teach, but if you’re in a hurry, start around the 13-minute mark.

 

 

 

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